This article is taken from the May 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
The BBC has been struggling lately. With various abuse scandals and revelations of editorial bias, it needs to find a way to restore its former popularity. This is why I applaud its decision to start criticising dogs. I can see no way that this could possibly fail to resonate with the public.
There have been two recent BBC reports on the problem of dogs in public spaces, and how they can be so problematic. “Are we all becoming too dog friendly?” asked one BBC presenter. “One woman with the extreme fear of dogs told the BBC that she feels trapped and only goes out on special occasions due to the lack of dog-free zones.” I know how she feels. I can barely make it to my local Waitrose without being swamped by chihuahuas.
I call them deformed wolves with no respect for personal boundaries
A ban on dogs is long overdue. Whilst some people call them “man’s best friend”, I call them deformed wolves with no respect for personal boundaries.
Thankfully, the tide is turning against these savage slobbering beasts. Back in November 2024, a report commissioned by the Welsh government called for “dog-free areas” in parks to make them more inclusive for black and Asian people. Dogs, you see, are notoriously racist.
In fact, dogs are often deployed as guards because of their tendency to bark loudly at anyone caught trying to break into a house. What else is this but evidence of a deep-seated hatred of ethnic minorities?
Dogs are virulently Islamophobic as well. As former Labour advisor Scarlett MccGwire explained during a recent appearance on GB News, “A lot of Muslims find dogs very difficult.” This is because dogs are considered “impure” by Islamic scholars, which I think is a fair assessment. These creatures literally chew on bones, for God’s sake. They’re like a bunch of hairy Hannibal Lecters.
Worse still, very few dogs embrace veganism or have been active in social justice causes. They attacked Black civil rights campaigners in Alabama in 1963. They murdered austere religious scholar Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a cave in Afghanistan. And they also hate cats, which makes them inherently lesbophobic.
