When people think of a marriage breaking down, their minds often go to sudden, dramatic events: cheating, money issues or blow-out rows. But often, the demise of a relationship is altogether slower and smaller: an erosion of trust, respect and intimacy that’s much harder to spot.
So what are the subtle signs to look out for when it comes to a marriage breaking down? We asked top relationship expert and author of Unapologetic, Annalie Howling, to delve into some of the issues she often sees in the latter stages of a partnership. Below are nine signals that you or your partner might have checked out of your relationship, and what they mean going forward.
Living together, apart
Everyone needs their own space, and it’s normal to want some ‘alone time’ to decompress. But Howling explains the issue is when you’re ‘actively avoiding’ your partner, or ‘relieved’ when you don’t have to spend time with them.
‘This can be subtle things like going to bed before them, and making sure you’re asleep before they come in. Where you used to sit together and watch boxsets, now you’re actively changing your routine to avoid them.’
‘There might be excuses that you use to justify sleeping in another room: things like they snore or they’ve been ill. Then, you just never address it or return to your marital bed. There’s no conversation about it, and you’re making excuses because being around them feels suffocating.’
‘There’s also a feeling of absolute relief when they’re out. You might start managing your diary, so when they’re in, you make sure you’re out and vice versa. This avoidance removes any sense of intimacy between you.’
‘You become two people living under the same roof, but ultimately you’re living separately. You sweep all of this under the rug, until eventually, the rug can’t cover all the things you’re trying to sweep under it anymore.’
Death fantasies
Yes, it sounds dramatic – but Howling says almost ‘every single person who’s thought about separating or going through a divorce’ has fantasies of their partner dying. It’s not because you ‘wish they were dead’, but because it would provide the freedom you’re longing for, and is an opportunity to imagine a life without them.
‘It basically offers an easier way out,’ she says. ‘Imagine your partner got hit by a bus. He would be a hero, and you wouldn’t have to do anything terrible. You wouldn’t be a homewrecker, and you wouldn’t have to have the difficult conversation and say: “I don’t love you anymore.”’
‘It’s a way of exiting a marriage in which nobody’s in the wrong. It’s a way of fantasising a new life: a bit like trying on a ballgown, you’re trying on a life without them. Everyone would save face, and everyone would avoid the difficulties involved in a separation.’
Not buying romantic cards
In the early days of a relationship, birthdays and anniversaries are an opportunity to spoil your loved one, and write them long, gushing cards about how much you love them. But one of the signs your relationship is over is this excitement dissipating, and you feeling like a ‘fraud’ if you write something romantic.
‘I speak to lots of clients who start to view buying a card for their partner like buying a card for their colleague,’ Howling explains. ‘There are no cute nicknames and no gushing, because it just no longer feels right.’
‘Overly romantic cards that say ‘My darling husband’ are also a no-go. You’re almost looking for a plain brown card, because that best expresses what you’re feeling. This isn’t passive aggressive – it just no longer feels congruent to say these things given how you feel about the person.’
Distancing from mutual friends
Lots of married couples will have tight-knit ‘couple’ friendship groups, who they’ll often go to dinner or drinks with. But when one person becomes ‘noticeably absent’ from group settings, it’s a huge indicator they’ve checked out of the relationship.
‘Many women will stop wanting to be around mutual friendship groups,’ Howling explains. ‘Not because they dislike the people, but because they’re thinking about how it will translate into life post-separation. This is particularly common if they were originally your husband’s friends, and you’re trying to create space between your lives.’
‘With mutual friends, it can also feel too exposing in a group that’s known you as a couple so well. I can never lie, and when I found myself in this situation, I ended up deflecting, asking loads of questions and never talking about what was going on with me.’
‘Afterwards, my friends said to me: “We had no idea you were going to split,” and I said, “I didn’t let you know. I wasn’t ready to tell the truth.” So that kind of distance can be a huge tell-tale sign.’
Starting new friendships without your partner
It’s completely normal to have friends ‘separate’ from your relationship. But when it becomes a pattern of creating new friendships and deliberately excluding your partner from them, it’s a warning sign that you’re creating a new life away from your marriage.
‘If you’re in a marriage and start saying: “I’m off out with a work colleague” your partner doesn’t know, it can be a sign you’re developing new, separate relationships with other people,’ Howling explains.
‘You also might feel differently when you’re out with new friends, as they have no connection to your relationship, and you feel like you can be yourself more fully. You’re trying on what it’s like to be an individual, rather than a wife.’
Saving your best for others
‘People can have a glow-up long before they leave a relationship,’ Howling explains. ‘And this can manifest in different ways, whether they’re physical, or just saving your best for other people.’
‘This can be quite straightforward, like surgery or a big physical transformation,’ Howling says. ‘Of course, you should never do this for a partner – but when doing so it’s definitely not for your partner but for other people suggests you’re placing your energy elsewhere.’
‘But it can be smaller things, too. You might be saving outfits or making a huge effort to go out with the girls, and no longer excited enough to dress up or make an effort for dates with your partner. It ultimately shows you’re saving those moments when you feel really good about yourself to share with other people.’
Suspecting your partner is cheating and feeling relieved
In a loving relationship, the idea of a partner cheating on you feels devastating. However, if you suspect your husband may have met someone else and you feel relief rather than sadness, it suggests you’re already mentally checked out of the marriage.
‘It’s common to feel relieved by the prospect of your partner cheating,’ Howling explains. ‘You don’t feel jealous, because you don’t feel like there’s a relationship for the other party to be a threat to.’
‘It’s a bit like the ‘death fantasy’ situation. You feel relieved that you have a reason to exit the relationship, without you being the bad person. It’s as if the work has been done for you.’
‘I spoke to one client who said she wished her husband had left her for another woman. In that situation, you become the victim: people rally around you and support you. And you don’t have to be the one to deliver the final blow, so you avoid being the ‘bad guy’ and feeling guilty.’
Not fighting
This one might seem counterintuitive: surely the less a couple fights, the healthier they are, right? But as Howling suggests, this isn’t always the case – it can simply mean one or both parties have resigned to the relationship’s failure.
‘The opposite of love isn’t hate,’ she explains. ‘Hate is actually closest to love, because it requires passion and energy. The opposite of love is apathy: a feeling that you can’t be bothered, and simply don’t care about the outcome anymore.’
‘I remember before my divorce, my husband said: “We’re getting on better, we’ve not been arguing as much.” And I was thinking: “Yes, because I’m checked out.” There’s no point rising to an argument anymore, because there’s nothing left to fight for. Because fighting suggests you still want to improve a situation, while apathy means you don’t care about it anymore, or don’t think it can be saved.’
Keeping score
‘In a long-term relationship, stuff evens out,’ Howling explains. ‘One of you works late and the other has to look after the kids, and vice versa. You know over time this settles to an equal split.’
‘The issues arise when one partner starts insisting that everything is level, and keeping score of the balance. If it turns into: “You went out on Tuesday, so I have to go out next,” that indicates you’re no longer facing things as a team or couple. It can also suggest there’s an expiry date on the relationship, and you don’t want to be short-changed should you separate.’
