Was it Sun Tzu or Von Clausewitz who said that, in war, you sometimes have to put on lipstick and a pink wig whilst your friend dresses up as a sausage? I’m fairly confident that one of them did. Ever since a bunch of Greeks jumped out of the arse of a massive wooden horse, camouflage and deception have proved essential in gaining advantage over an opponent with vastly superior strength.
The purpose of our deception at least year’s Pride event in Newcastle was to measure the willingness of Northumbria Police to embrace political bigotry. Our primary person of interest was Chief Constable Vanessa Jardine. She is the National LGBT Lead and the recent architect of the policy that allows male cops who have identified out of their maleness to conduct intimate searches on female prisoners — a betrayal of her own sex, deserving of thirty pieces of silver.
My co-conspirator, Linzi Smith, was disguised as a hotdog. If you recall, she is the lesbian Newcastle United fan who was investigated for posting on Twitter that trans women are men. Her job for the day was to capture the evidence on camera, to which end, she recorded the exact moment that a tubby man in an ill-fitting Polyester rainbow shirt and improbable wig sashayed alongside the Chief Constable whilst bellowing NO LGB WITHOUT THE T! Nothing about my presence was subtle. The cardboard sign, declaring damnation to the gender critical, included a comedy bell-end and a set of hairy gonads dangling from the letter G. Vanessa Jardine simply smiled at her fellow journeyman, in a beautiful acknowledgement of righteous bigotry.
Occasionally, we would step aside from the march to invite an officer to be photographed with our signs. The one that read “MAKE TERFS AND RACISTS AFRAID AGAIN!” was particularly popular. And at the static display near the Pride Market, we were invited to display our “ANTI TERF UNIT” sign alongside a police vehicle, freshly liveried in the baby pinks and blues of the trans flag. Oh, how we laughed.
Nine months earlier, Linzi was far from laughing. On a dark November night, she opened her flat door to a pair of uniformed constables who presented her with the Hobson’s Choice of accompanying them to the station for a voluntary interview, or be arrested. Under caution, Linzi was asked why, in her X Bio, she had placed a scissor emoji between the LGB and the TQI. In Northumbria, being a lesbian is not enough. You have to adopt the whole acronym salad into your identity or you are marked out for special attention by Vanessa’s Gender Cops. The hashtag #TwoTierQueer describes the situation accurately.
To grab the senior officer’s attention, I handcuffed myself to the flagpole
Fair Cop intervened and almost immediately, the investigation was dropped. We lodged a formal complaint with Professional Standards, arguing that the culture of discrimination against gender critical women was so prevalent in Northumbria that the arrest of Linzi was inevitable. A genuinely delightful detective completed her investigation within three months, after which the report was left bouncing between the office of the Chief Constable and her lawyers for the best part of a year. It was finally released last week and is best read whilst wearing soft mittens, as the urge to rip out one’s eyes is overwhelming.
Here are just some of the highlights. Linzi’s tweets are associated with the murder of Brianna Ghey. A sergeant expresses concern that youngsters exposed to Linzi’s views might be put off from transitioning, as though a period of reflection before cutting off healthy breasts were a bad thing. Newcastle United were informed that Linzi had committed a hate crime before any evidence was assessed (resulting in a three year ban from the stadium). When a junior officer urged caution by referring to the High Court, recent legislation and The Miller Ruling, he was told to put his big boy pants on and not be put off. A sergeant ordered a constable to confiscate Linzi’s phone.
The report also makes it clear that there was no victim. This is significant because in English law, without a victim, there is no crime. Officers who flagged this inconvenient fact were offered a creative work-around. Like a murder squad without a body, the officers simply drew a chalk outline of a corpse on the pavement and said, “That’s what a victim might look like. Now go arrest the Terf”.
The report admits to procedural errors but rejects any claim of discrimination. We are told that Linzi’s political views being entirely at odds with those of the Chief Constable had nothing to do with the investigation and is entirely coincidental; that such errors are unfortunate but to be expected in a busy police force; that the officers at all times displayed the utmost integrity and good intent. It’s a special kind of condescension that expects us to believe the best whilst being force-fed the worst. If a fish rots from the head down, then Vanessa Jardine is a rainbow trout. Even the apology, such as it was, carried all the humility of a greasy spoon restaurateur addressing a complaint by a truck driver about over boiled sprouts.
It is against this backdrop that Linzi and I staged a protest outside the Headquarters of Northumbria Police. To grab the senior officer’s attention, I handcuffed myself to the flagpole. Our demand was not excessive. The Chief was simply invited to step outside and stand with our sign that said “This Chief Constable Guarantees The Right To Say Trans Women Are Men” and uphold Article 10 rights. Did she accept out offer? Of course she didn’t. She’s Vanessa Jardine.
