When you feel that one well-worn argument bubbling up with your partner, you know it’s going to go the same way as usual, right?
However, knowing how you react to conflict could actually help you get beyond it.
There are four types of nervous-system response: fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
Do you stand your ground and shout above your partner (fight)?
Or does your brain tell you to lock yourself in another room until it all blows over (flight)?
Do you feel overwhelmed and unable to formulate a response (freeze)?
Or are you apologetic and know that backtracking will soothe your partner’s anger (fawn)?
As humans have evolved, our nervous systems have needed all four responses to survive in the face of various dangers.
“The body will always prioritise safety and survival,” says Dr Clayton Ingrid, author of new book Fawning. “It remembers what worked in the past and doubles down on that strategy.”
It can become a problem when one response becomes your autopilot, or a chronic way of navigating the world.
This can occur if you’ve been living in a constant state of threat – from childhood trauma, extreme stress or a toxic relationship, for example.
“Our nervous systems are designed to fight, rest, and recover, not fight, fight, fight,” says hypnotherapist Zoe Clews.
Find out what your “F-response” is to conflict, and how to change this when needed.
FIGHT
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It’s all guns blazing when your partner has angered you.
“Fight breeds anger, rage and hostility. In its healthiest form, it is good for establishing boundaries and fighting for justice,” explains Zoe.
“Fight types can make great campaigners, leaders and activists, as long as they stay in balance and don’t tip over into the negative aspects of continual aggression and control.”
The fight response is an instinctive way to attack perceived danger. “It can be likened to a lion, the king of the jungle,” says Ingrid.
“They don’t have any problem setting boundaries or using their voice. But a chronic fight response can create a constant sense of fear in the other person.”
Being stuck in fight mode as a way to control the world around you can also leave you angry, irritated and frustrated.
“It looks and feels like continual defensiveness, rage, low-to-no patience, hostility, snapping at others, frustration, revenge, lashing out, and wanting to flip a table or throw things,” says Zoe.
TIP: Wait 24 hours before you respond to triggering texts or words. “Learn to release your anger in healthy ways such as punching a pillow, rather than lashing out at your partner,” says Zoe.
“You may feel ridiculous when you first do it, but the release is massively cathartic.”
FLIGHT
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Our flight response is the instinct to flee danger. “Flight sends us into panic, anxiety and sleeplessness,” says Zoe.
“We need this response in times of genuine danger to act quickly and with urgency. If we didn’t have the flight response, we would all be sticking our hands in fires or walking in front of cars.”
But how can this make conflict sticky? “It can look like avoidance,” says Ingrid. “People in a flight response can run circles around the issue instead of addressing it.”
You may have anxiety within your relationship, as well as catastrophising, hypervigilance and panic.
TIP: “Practise mindfulness, slow down and stay present,” says Ingrid. “Yoga or other grounding techniques can help.”
FREEZE
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If mentally checking out and isolating is your go-to, you‘re reacting with the freeze response.
“It’s shutting down and withdrawing,” says Zoe. “It’s not a silent treatment out of malice – it’s more like: ‘I literally can’t respond,’” says Ingrid.
Signs include apathy, dissociation, depression, low-to-no motivation, duvet days becoming duvet weeks and numbing habits like drinking alcohol.
“A freeze response shows the person has likely gone through a lot of pain, and it has been too much for their system,” says Zoe.
TIP: “Coming out of freeze is about re-engaging with the world and life,” explains Zoe. “This can be painful if you’ve been stuck in withdrawal, so taking your time to do this is vital.”
FAWN
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The fawn response, according to Ingrid, is “hiding in plain sight”.
She says: “It looks like you’re saying: ‘I agree’.
“There’s this feeling in the argument that we’re getting small and the other person looms very large. So we prioritise their opinions, their needs and feelings. It’s conflict avoidance.”
The danger is that as you fawn (people-please, be hypervigilant and powerless), you become further away from who you are as a person, and lack boundaries and self-esteem.
“Being stuck in fawn mode can come from growing up in a home where you constantly had to please and mediate, and be a ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy’, where your legitimate needs for love and affection weren’t met or there was abuse or neglect,” explains Zoe.
TIP: “Coming out of a chronic fawn response is turning this outward focus inward, and becoming curious about what you feel, or what you would feel if you could,” says Ingrid.
“Can you start to assert opinions when the stakes are low? For example, when someone says: ‘Where do you want to go to eat?’, ask yourself: ‘Do I have a preference, and what am I afraid would happen if I asserted it?’”
WHAT NOW?
So you’ve discovered your typical F-response – now it’s time to switch things up.
The causes and solutions for each type differ and working with a therapist can give more personalised solutions, but by being more aware, you can regain control.
When you feel your F-response fire up, try to calm your nervous system. In fight and flight modes, the nervous system is hyper-aroused and needs to be down-regulated, says Zoe. “This means lots of grounding activities.
Try long walks in nature, a massage to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol, mindfulness, meditation, slowing down, rest, good sleep and connecting with supportive friends.”
Meanwhile, freeze and fawn responders may work better with “up-regulation”. Watch some comedy or laugh with friends, listen to uplifting music or do a HIIT class to get an endorphin release.
And now that you know your F-response, if you are in a safe, reciprocal relationship, you can explain to your partner how you instinctively respond to conflict – why it happens, how you’re working on it, and how they can help you, too.
