The whole nation is going VE-Day crazy, as we celebrate the fifth anniversary of that time we sat in our front gardens wondering whether the neighbours’ scones would give us Covid. It is also the 30th anniversary of John Major trying to make spam fritters happen, and, of course, the 80th anniversary of Steve McQueen jumping his motorbike over the wire and into Berlin.
The week has already seen a display of Britain’s military might, with the Coldstream Guard and the Blue And Royal marching down the Mall to the Buckingham Gate Pret, where they split a cheese and ham sandwich and enjoyed a flypast from the Red Arrow. On Thursday the King will go to Portsmouth where the crew of the Royal Navy’s remaining seaworthy ship will salute him while the Band of the Royal Marine plays a stirring solo rendition of What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor?
The success of these uplifting patriotic moments has led the government to draw up plans for future commemorations, and we at The Critic are pleased to have obtained a copy. So read up and prepare yourself for more flag-waving fun.
2026 The Somme — 110 Years On. Holly Willoughby joins an AI-generated David Attenborough to host a solemn medley of Princess Anne frowning, some dressage, and the signing of Britain’s trade deal with the Western Sahara. To be attended by Prime Minister Lisa Nandy and Tory leader Chris Philp.
2027 Marking 220 years since the end of the War of the Fourth Coalition, ITV presents a very special edition of I’m A Celebrity, with visitors to the jungle including Prime Minister Jonathan Reynolds and leader of the opposition Victoria Atkins, as well as Tess Daley and the new Doctor Who [tbc].
2028 It’s A Royal Peace-Out. Britain’s new state broadcaster GB News celebrates the end of First World Great War One with a very special show: 110 Years, 110 Facts You Didn’t Know, presented by Darren Grimes and Richard Tice. After the break, Running Man Rupert Lowe Hunger Games, live (for now) only on GB News.
2029 Marking 390 years since the Treaty of Berwick, Prime Minister Zarah Sultana invites Scottish First Minister Kate Forbes to join her in an all-political edition of Strictly Come Dancing. While Sultana’s foxtrot impresses judges, they are bowled over by Forbes’ steamy tango with Deacon Blue’s Ricky Ross.
2030 In Washington, President-for-Eternity Donald Trump hosts a joyous celebration of the 10th Anniversary of the Storming of the Capitol, culminating in a show trial of the World’s Biggest Traitor And Total Loser And Really Not Very Nice Man Mike Pence.
2031 Back in Britain, Prime Minister Nigel Farage will oversee a month of commemoration to mark the 90th anniversary of the start of the Great Patriotic War, including a speech from JD Vance, professor emeritus (Columbia) explaining how the Poles started the whole thing.
