Boomer Laurentianus is a Canadian subspecies of Boomerus Senectus, so named because he models himself on the so-called Laurentian Elite, Canada’s governing class that inhabit the “Laurentian corridor”, the narrow strip of land along the saint Laurence river between Montreal and Toronto that, for a certain kind of Canadian, is the only bit of the country that matters.
In spirit, he is a child of the sixties and still believes he is a radical at heart. Despite this he expects to be treated with the deference reserved for those awarded the Victoria Cross, despite his closest experience to combat being glancing longingly at pictures of the cancelled Avro Arrow or campaigning to defend the local parking lot from being turned into affordable houses.
Naturally, he lives in neighbourhoods untouched by the crime and addiction that are the direct result of the policies he supports
Like his British and American cousin, he supports progressive policies like safe supply of drugs, lenient sentences and bail conditions for criminals, and whatever economic policies keep his pension fund high and his property values increasing. Naturally, he lives in neighbourhoods untouched by the crime and addiction that are the direct result of the policies he supports.
It is important to note that while his modes of thinking and beliefs are those of the Laurentian Elite, his mind is shaped by the institutions of the Laurentian Elite: The Canada Council for the Arts, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the Governor General’s Literary Award, various other high-minded organisations that form the intellectual life of Laurentian Canada, Boomerus Laurentianus is not necessarily “of” them.
Molson Canadian is the spirit of his patriotism. In 2000, Molson released a beer advertisement in which a typical Canadian played by actor Jeff Douglas shouts into a microphone to an audience of Americans, dismissing various Canadian stereotypes (we say aboot, drive dogsleds, are all lumberjacks and fur traders et cetera) and notes some of the differences that make Canada not the US. “I have a Prime Minister not a President… I believe in Peacekeeping not policing… I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack while travelling”. The advertisement is something of a cult hit in Canada and has been parodied by just about everyone including William Shatner.
This one-minute advertisement swells at the heart of the Boomer Laurentianus view of his country. It is both superficial and, in places, factually incorrect (the equivalent of the US president is not the Prime Minister but the King or Queen of Canada). But he has built his entire sense of nationalism around myths such as peacekeeping or being liked by foreigners more than Americans. This last point is sacred to his sense of identity.
Boomerus Laurentianus exists in a superposition state usually reserved for Schrödinger’s cat wherein he is both completely American and not American at all. It was often claimed of Rhodesians that they were “More British than the British”. Boomer Laurentianus is more Yank than the Yanks. Despite his reverence for the CBC, he gets his recipes from the New York Times and his opinions from CNN. He watches American television, travels to the US frequently, may even own a second home there. He can almost convince himself that they are the same country, sometimes to the point of putting up signs supporting, Democratic political candidates, seemingly unaware that he cannot vote in foreign elections.
This was until Donald Trump exploded the myth that “The World Needs More Canada” — the myth of Peacekeepers and Canadian flags on backpacks, and being a strong participant in several international systems of alliance, a well-respected player on the international scene. When Donald Trump speaks of annexing Canada, the world is silent. Boomerus Laurentianus was confronted with the uncomfortable truth that he lives in an insignificant country in the northern hemisphere, which is now best known for the last Prime Minister’s socks and a euthanasia regime that would make Philip Bouhler envious. Far from being America’s oldest and most valued ally, Canadian sovereignty continued only at the sufferance of the Americans. The world did not “need more Canada”. The world, as it turned out, could not care less about Canada.
Enter Mark Carney. When Justin Trudeau’s resignation triggered a leadership race in the Liberal Party, Carney became the runaway favourite, and Boomer Laurentianus pick to be the next Prime Minister. Mark Carney is Boomer Laurentianus ideal Prime Minister: an impressive bureaucrat and central banker with multiple degrees from prestigious, international, universities. Intelligent, prime-ministerial, serious, urbane, a world leading economist this was the man to cry “Elbows-up” and be Captain Canada. The media, heavily subsidised by the government, lapped it all-up and played the marching music for Carney when he called an election. Here was a man who would stand up to Trump and fight for Canadian independence.
Jeff Douglas released a new video in March, stuffed to the brim with all the other cultural detritus Boomer Laurentianus thinks makes Canada Canada: the same inanities about kindness and peacekeeping, a truly atrocious pun about preferring a cheesy poutine to a cheesy Putin, Canada as the inventor of peanut butter and yoga pants. No mention was made that since 2015, Canada’s GDP per capita grew by 1.4 per cent total, or that the homicide rate rose 53 per cent since 2015. The video is silent on the fact that 63 per cent of Canadians who do not own a home have given up on ever owning one, or that the Canadian Residential property market is three times the size of Canada’s GDP, or that 4.7 per cent of Canadians who died in 2023 died by doctor assisted suicide (aprox. 15300 people). These are not thoughts that trouble Boomer Laurentianus.
Is it any wonder that Boomer Laurentianus despised Pierre Poilievre and his message that Canada is broken? Why couldn’t Pierre Poilievre’s Conservatives be more like the old Progressive Conservative party? He never would have voted for them, but he has a certain nostalgie for their sensible policies of vehement opposition to gay rights, mass privatization of government assets, and attempts to bring back the death penalty (1987) and to ban abortion (1990).
The generation that shouted “Hope I die before I get old” are now old and near death. Boomer Laurentiani have been eclipsed by millennials as the largest voting age group. Like the mighty mastodon or the megalodon before him, Boomer Laurentianus is nearing extinction. This may be the last election in which he has any significant voice. Let us hope that, come the next election, the damage his vote has done is not so great that it cannot be reversed.
