IT used to be a slur for predatory older women – but not any more.
Fabulous investigates why more and more Millennials are proudly dating younger men (and it’s not just about the sex). . .
THE restaurant table was immaculate, the food exquisite, and she couldn’t fault the man sitting opposite her.
Yet, Mel Moon had barely smiled all evening.
On paper, her date was exactly who she, at 38, should be seeing – someone just a few years older than her, with a successful, well-paid career and a spacious home.
Her dad would love him. And yet, she was bored. Worse, she felt stifled.
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“I’d said to him that I didn’t want to go for dinner, just drinks,” says Mel, now 46, from Pendle, Lancashire.
“When I arrived, he’d booked this flash table, so we ate dinner. But I didn’t laugh once.”
Mel dated a string of similar Millennial and Gen X men.
“There was just this life rigidity about them, like: ‘This is who I am and I’m probably not going to change’,” she explains.
All that ended when she met her husband Alfie. He was different. He was also just 27.
When they met in 2020, Mel was 40, making her 13 years his senior, but the pair, who now live in Cyprus, married within a year. No one was as surprised as Mel herself.
Listing his best traits, she says: “He’s energetic, open-minded, impulsive, spontaneous and exciting.” She also admits that sex with Alfie is: “The best I’ve ever experienced”.
She adds: “The younger generation have ironed out a lot of the issues my generation struggled with, and are embracing different sides of themselves.”
‘He had the principles I looked for, but hadn’t closed his mind off in the way older men do’
Mel is certainly not alone among Millennial and Gen X women in finding successful relationships with younger men.
While just a few years ago, the term “cougar” was a derogatory slur aimed at older women thought to be “on the prowl” – a taboo not mirrored when the male partner was older – one glance at TikTok today presents a very different image.
The hashtag #Cougartok is trending, together with #Cougarsoftiktok and #Cougardating, and these posts are widely created by Millennial women in their 30s and early 40s who have either found love with a Gen Z man in their 20s, or are openly, proudly seeking it.
With over 113k video views, the cougar hashtag now makes it seem aspirational, rather than a guilty secret.
Think about it – these younger men were raised by women who started going to therapy, so of course they’re more emotionally intelligent
Mel Moon
“Think about it – these younger men were raised by women who started going to therapy, so of course they’re more emotionally intelligent,” posts one self-proclaimed TikTok cougar.
Another jokes: “Benefits of dating a cougar in the winter? Our huge granny pants will keep your hands warm!”
The growing number of real-world celebrity couples demonstrating a healthy older-woman-younger-guy union is also accelerating the demise of any lingering embarrassment.
Take pop star Harry Styles, 31, and his actress partner Zoë Kravitz, 37 (not to mention his ex, director Olivia Wilde, 41, who he dated for nearly two years until 2022).
Actress Priyanka Chopra, 43, and musician Nick Jonas, 33, have been married for seven years, while 16 years separate Heidi Klum, 52, and her husband Tom Kaulitz, 36.
And presenter husband-and-wife team Emma, 49, and Matt Willis, 42, embody their couple goals by hosting Love Is Blind: UK.
Then there’s the increased visibility of older women’s sexuality, such as movie portrayals by Nicole Kidman in Babygirl, and Anne Hathaway in The Idea Of You.
Mel, a comedian and online content creator, vividly recalls a conversation with a friend during which she categorically ruled out dating much younger men – but had no upper age limit.
She’d been single for a few years after finishing a same-age relationship with the father of her three sons, aged nine, 15 and 20.
“I remember having this idea that older men would have it all figured out,” she laughs. “I thought: ‘What on earth would I have in common with someone that much younger?’”
It was a mutual friend who connected her over social media with Alfie, now 32, from south London, who’s a fencer and also produces comedy online, and they planned to write and film a sketch together.
Mel was amazed they had so much in common. “We ended up talking for hours about everything you can think of. He had the best of both worlds – the principles I looked for, but he’d not yet closed his mind off in the way older men do.”
‘Sex with him is the best I’ve ever had – he can go, and go, and go!’
Alfie asked to kiss her, and later messaged to say he’d fallen for her. “Men of my generation are just not that upfront,” she says. “But for him, it wasn’t a big deal. He felt it, so he said it.”
And the sex? Mel says she’s never had better.
“He allows me to be open. Whatever I suggest, he’s like: ‘Yeah, I’ll try it’. I wouldn’t say my previous partners were bad in bed, but they were set in their ways.”
And, she adds, it goes without saying that Alfie has “100% more stamina. He can go, and go, and go!” she adds.
Yet for five months, Mel could not bring herself to introduce Alfie – who has three sons from a previous marriage, aged eight, 12 and 13 – as a boyfriend, fearing she’d be judged harshly.
It was only when he urged her to make a decision that she asked herself how she truly felt and decided to go for it. He moved in soon afterwards.
What Mel quickly noticed was the lack of any traditional gender-role expectation.
“He loved the fact I was so ambitious and he never flinched at housework. Within a week, he was doing all the laundry. He wakes me up with a cup of tea. If he knows I haven’t eaten, he’ll make something and bring it upstairs for me when I’m working.”
However, occasionally Mel noticed differences in their emotional maturity levels.
Alfie would flare up more quickly over things she found inconsequential, like a friend not phoning back for a few days, or if the kids were misbehaving, though that has improved over time.
“The difference is there,” she admits. “Men generally mature slower emotionally.”
Some friends reacted warily. Mel believes many thought she was having a midlife crisis, and social media was cruel. “I got a lot of: ‘Is that your son?’ and: ‘He’s only with you for the life insurance’. Really horrible stuff.”
Mel has noticed a distinct shift in the past year with the #Cougartok trend, though. “There are a lot more women saying they are in age-gap relationships than ever before,” she says.
Dating apps reveal it, too. Data from sex-toy brand Lelo shows more than 80% of people adjusted their age filters in the past year to include both older and younger options, with 14% of women aged 45-plus now open to dating younger men.
‘There’s a true equality in his approach to gender roles at home’
Relationship expert Rachel MacLynn, CEO and founder of Maclynn International matchmaker service, says after nearly 20 years in the business, she is noticing a shift.
She estimates that 10 years ago, 90% of women would tell her they wanted to meet someone their age and up to a decade older, but men said the opposite. In the last five years, up to 40% of women in their 30s want to meet a younger man.
Rachel believes Millennial women’s focus on fitness is one reason why.
“There might be a 10-year age gap, but actually, when you put this couple side by side, they look a similar age and their lifestyles are quite similar, too,” she says.
Various factors then layer on top.
Men generally mature slower emotionally
Mel Moon
“The life stage at which people are choosing to start a family has massively shifted,” she says.
Many of her female clients have chosen to freeze their eggs, for example.
Millennial women no longer feel the need for an archetypal protector man.
“A lot of my clients are very successful and well-educated,” Rachel adds.
“There is less need for them to be seeking a partner who has a certain level of financial status.”
Al Dean, 37, from West Byfleet, Surrey, is not only in an age-gap relationship, she also sees the #Cougartok trend mirrored within her own friendships.
It’s become a bit of a badge of honour
Al Dean
She is in a WhatsApp group called The Presidential Cougars, with two university mates who are both also in relationships with younger men.
“It’s become a bit of a badge of honour,” she says.
The marketing director and mum of two daughters, aged four and six, met her partner Rob, 28, who also works in marketing, just a few months after her marriage to her high-school sweetheart ended, and they started dating in November 2024.
She admits that her Tinder profile said she was looking for “short-term fun”.
Initially, her parameters were set five years either side of her own age, but a friend encouraged her to go even younger. Al was “mind-blown” by the interest from Gen Z men.
Rob, then 27, was the first she invited home. The night became one long “deep and meaningful conversation”, much to her surprise.
“I would say Gen Z men are more emotionally intelligent, respectful and supportive. They’ve grown up with a better understanding of mental health and healthy communication,” she says.
Like Mel, she found a difference with sex, too. Rob was markedly more attentive, putting “effort” into pleasing her.
I would say Gen Z men are more emotionally intelligent, respectful and supportive. They’ve grown up with a better understanding of mental health and healthy communication
Al Dean
“I felt much more respected and admired,” she explains. “He was serving me, rather than the other way round!”
Rob moved in with Al two months later, from his parents’ home nearby. He had left for university but then returned, saving to buy with a previous partner, but not being able to afford it like so many of his generation.
Al admits it sounded “nuts” and acknowledges she worried the transition might be difficult.
There were some teething problems, like when Rob used rinse aid to wash up.
And the first time he attempted to change bed sheets, he was so bamboozled that she videoed him trying to tackle it.
But she sensed a true equality in his approach to roles.
“Many men in their 30s and 40s grew up watching their mums carrying the load at home,” she says.
“There’s this sort of mismatch between what Millennial women were expecting, versus what Millennial men were conditioned to deliver. Rob is just so much more respectful of it being 50/50.”
‘Midlife women are rejecting outdated stereotypes about age-appropriate behaviour’
She’s so confident in their future together that the pair are already expecting their first baby.
Psychologist at eHarmony, Dr Lalitaa Suglani lists this level of respect and equality as a key reason for age-gap compatibility.
“Younger men have grown up with greater exposure to mental-health conversations, therapeutic language, and modern views on masculinity.
“They are more familiar with the idea of shared emotional labour too, and less concerned with traditional, rigid gender roles,” she explains.
The #Cougartok trend was ignited, she believes, by the visible celebration of older women’s sexuality.
“Women in midlife are rejecting outdated stereotypes about age-appropriate behaviour,” she says.
“Social media has given women the power to represent themselves, rather than be defined by older cultural narratives”
Today, Mel does not shy away from talking about her marriage on TikTok.
She’s even had a fellow cougar thank her for normalising it.
She can see little downside, except perhaps when it comes to TV nostalgia.
Watching a Facebook reel on life in 1988 recently, she says she was “choking up”.
“It was a video of the Neighbours episode where Scott and Charlene get married, and Alfie looked at me and said: ‘I wasn’t even born yet!’”
Did he know who they were? “Did he hell!” she laughs.
