When it comes to maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships, even the most loving couples can fall into patterns that damage their connection.
From treating sex as just another item on the to-do list to assuming you know everything about your partner’s desires, certain missteps are common no matter how well you know your other half.
The good news? Most issues in the bedroom stem from simple communication gaps and forgotten fundamentals than deeper incompatibility issues.
Understanding these pitfalls is the first step toward rekindling the spark that brought you together in the first place.
So we asked Lovehoney’s relationship expert, Annabelle Knight, to identify the nine most damaging bedroom mistakes that couples make – and, more importantly, how to go about fixing them.
Treating sex as a chore
Outside pressure and expectation can quickly become a drain on a relationship.
‘Sometimes couples feel they should be having sex,’ Knight says, ‘rather than experiencing a natural desire to be intimate.
Lovehoney’s relationship expert, Annabelle Knight, identifies the nine most damaging bedroom mistakes that couples make, and how to go about fixing them
‘Intimacy is not something you should tick off like a to-do list; it’s a moment to reconnect as a couple and feel close to each other emotionally and physically.
‘If the desire is not there, you certainly don’t need to force it. Sex must be comfortable and consensual for both parties.
‘Quality is more important than quantity with intimacy: if it’s little effort but often, you’re potentially doing more harm than good to your connection. It’s best to focus on quality experiences, when you can each take your time and enjoy it.
‘Remember, while there’s so much emphasis on sexual intercourse in relationships, there are other forms of intimacy. To avoid treating sex as a chore, shift the focus away from sex itself, and schedule time to focus on being close.
‘Many couples find ‘scheduling’ time feels too official or rigid, which may cause awkwardness or seem counterintuitive. But in my opinion, scheduling time for connection can feel more natural.
‘Don’t make it about sex and the pressure evaporates. Just leave a slot for quality time, even if that just means a deep conversation.’
Sticking to a routine
In long-term relationships, couples often fall into patterns or expected routines when it comes to sex.
‘It’s true good sex doesn’t have to look a certain way,’ Knight agrees, ‘but routine sex, where you stick to the same process and positions every time, can become a little too comfortable as the novelty wears off.
‘You don’t have to be overly adventurous or pushed out of your comfort zone every time you have sex, but adding a little novelty can really enhance your intimacy.
‘New experiences boost our dopamine [pleasure] hormones; they’re fun, exciting and keep the spark alive.
‘Adding novelty to the bedroom doesn’t have to be drastic or scary. It could be the introduction of a cheeky game, testing out some new positions, or trying a little role play to add some character to your intimacy.
‘Exploration can be extremely beneficial to long-term relationships, as long as you keep it consensual, lighthearted, and fun.’
Neglecting love language
‘Many people think love languages are just another buzzword,’ Knight says. ‘But they’re actually a fantastic way to identify how we give and receive love.
‘Having misaligned love languages doesn’t mean you can’t feel loved or make your partner feel loved, but it does need acknowledging to avoid conflict.
‘Physical touch is a big one, and it doesn’t have to be designated to the bedroom. Many long-term couples forget that physical touch is how we show affection in day-to-day life, and affirm that you desire your partner in a non-sexual and sexual way.
‘Increasing everyday affection can be extremely helpful to keep the connection strong and help engaging in the bedroom feel more natural.
‘When couples neglect touch in everyday life, touch during sex can feel less comfortable. Holding hands, cuddling and touching each other in passing can all be ways to strengthen that bond inside and outside the bedroom.’
Disregarding emotional intimacy
When focusing on physical connection, sometimes feelings can be pushed to the background.
‘In reality, emotional intimacy is paramount,’ Knight says. ‘Many couples get comfortable in long-term relationships and start to neglect the emotional intimacy that is often integral to their physical intimacy.
‘For many people, emotional intimacy helps them feel seen, heard and appreciated. Like the saying “foreplay begins outside of the bedroom”, many of us crave emotional foreplay, without which we don’t desire sex.
‘Just because you’ve been together long-term, it doesn’t mean you can’t reintroduce all those flirty messages, compliments and little moments of warmth from the honeymoon period.
‘Tell your partner that you appreciate them, that they look sexy, that you love them… little comments can go a long way, especially if you’re trying to rekindle physical intimacy.’
Assuming you know your partner’s desires already
People often say their partner could do nothing to surprise them. But ‘knowing each other for a long time doesn’t mean you’re a mind-reader,’ Knight suggests.
‘In fact, assuming you always know how they’re feeling, what they want, and what they like can stunt those ever-important honest conversations around sex and intimacy.
‘Needs change over time. Preferences and interests evolve with the relationship. Silence encourages frustration born from misunderstandings, so it’s time to get talking, openly and honestly.’
‘Creating a safe space to check in can be very useful for couples to find out what’s working and what can be changed.
‘Try using open questions like “I’m curious, what would you be interested to try more of in the bedroom?” or “How did you feel when I did…” is a great way to do this.
‘Questions like this don’t have to be serious or imply that something’s wrong. ‘It’s productive and sexy to talk about intimacy!’
Forgetting your own pleasure
‘Prioritising your partner’s pleasure over your own (or prioritising your own over your partner’s) is a recipe for disaster in any sexual relationship,’ Knight warns.
‘Sometimes, I find people are so focused on pleasing their partner, they sideline what feels good for them.
‘Healthy sexual relationships thrive when you are both fulfilled. Advocating for your own pleasure is not selfish; it’s important to feel satisfied in your physical intimacy. An unbalanced connection can lead to unfulfilled intimacy and resentment.
‘Even in long-term relationships, your partner can’t read your mind. It’s important to platform your pleasure by communicating what feels good for you.
‘Tell your partner what turns you on, what feels good for you and what makes you feel comfortable, and ensure you both have a space to express what’s working and what could work better.’
Adding too much pressure
So many conversations about and depictions of sex focus on mindblowingly good experiences with endless orgasms.
‘But not all sex has to be from-the-movies kind of sex,’ Knight advises. ‘Sex doesn’t have to be at the “perfect” moment where intimacy is performative and you’re high energy or high mood.
‘Life is messy and imperfect, and adding too much pressure to sex and thinking it has to look or be a certain way can make it unnecessarily stressful.’
‘Sex should be natural and comfortable, and there are ways couples can transition out of stress mode to create a less intense environment for intimacy.
‘Ease into it in a way that feels right for both of you. Creating rituals like having a warm shower – either together or separately – cuddling and dimming the lights creates space for both parties to relax, and that’s when intimacy comes most naturally.’
Using sex as a weapon or reward
Sure, this is often joked about in a lighthearted way. However ‘weaponising sex such as intentionally withholding intimacy to punish a partner can be extremely detrimental to a relationship,’ Knight warns.
‘Of course, if a partner has upset you or hurt you, it’s natural to withdraw from intimacy. But turning sex into a tool for control is a common bedroom misstep.
‘Keeping conflict resolution and intimacy separate is important. Open communication is key to resolving conflict, and remembering to attack the problem, not each other. Sexual closeness must remain a safe, mutually-controlled space, and disagreements should be resolved outside of the bedroom.’
Forgetting that wants develop and change
‘Desire evolves with the relationship,’ Knight says. ‘Something many people struggle to accept is that as a relationship evolves, desires will likely change with it and that’s completely normal.
‘Expecting you’ll have the same spark and sexual energy you had in the early stages of the relationship is often unrealistic. While sexual chemistry does have longevity, it’s called the ‘honeymoon stage’ for a reason.
‘To maintain a sexual connection and chemistry, it’s important to move with the times and adjust your approach.
‘Long-term desire is cultivated, but not constant. Desire fluctuates, and that’s natural, but building shared experiences and prioritising fun and adventure is a great way to keep that spark alive.’
