This article is taken from the February 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
Communism is the only guarantee of human happiness. It has always worked wherever it has been tried. One need only consider the progressive reforms of Joseph Stalin in Russia in the mid-20th century. Those who refused to sign up to Stalin’s ideas tended to die young, which just proves that Communism saves lives.
Now that we’ve reached 2026, surely it’s time to try this system again. Our new era has already begun, with Zohran Mamdani taking over as Mayor of New York. For those who don’t know, Mamdani is a devout Muslim who has promised to make New York a “sanctuary city” for the LGBT+ community. It’s what the Prophet Mohammed would have wanted.
If it’s a choice between being warm or frigid, I know which I’d prefer
Some bigots have argued that homosexuality is incompatible with the Islamic faith. But in fact, homophobia is extremely rare in Muslim-majority countries. This is why there isn’t a single LGBT+ community centre in the whole of Afghanistan. Everyone is so tolerant that there is simply no need for them.
Since taking power, Mamdani has declared that “we will replace the frigidity of rugged individualism with the warmth of collectivism”. No sane person could possibly argue with this logic. If it’s a choice between being warm or frigid, I know which I’d prefer. Indeed, during Stalin’s time he built a range of holiday camps called “gulags”, where residents often slept shoulder-to-shoulder in crammed rooms. Just imagine how warm and non-frigid that was.
Communism is the philosophy of the masses. Whilst careerist right-wing politicians have wasted years studying for degrees in PPE at Oxford, all of the greatest left-wing leaders of history have been out there working in the real world. Nicolás Maduro was a bus driver. Nicolae Ceaușescu was a shoemaker’s apprentice. Mao Zedong was an assistant librarian. Zohran Mamdani was a rapper whose lyrics promoted intersectional social justice activism.
Oh, and Zack Polanski was a hypnotherapist who specialised in enlarging women’s breasts through the power of suggestion. These truly are men of the people.
As Mamdani made clear in his inaugural speech, the ultimate goal of communism is diversity. And this will only be achieved once we embrace the warmth of the collective and ensure that everyone ends up exactly the same.
