A psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience in the mental health sector has revealed the 12 subtle signs that someone you’re dating is a narcissist.
Nowadays ‘narcissism’ has become somewhat of a trendy buzzword, thrown at anyone who acts even a little selfishly.
But would you recognise a real narcissist if you encountered one on a date? Or be aware that the partner you believed was just ‘thoughtless’ sometimes actually has the personality disorder?
Narcissism isn’t just having a big ego. It is said to be an extreme level of self-absorption to an extent that makes a person ignore the needs and feelings of other people around them.
Dr Sarah Davies, a trauma therapist based in Harley Street, explained to FEMAIL previously that while many people have narcissistic tendencies, the key difference between this and having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is that most people with the former feel remorse when they do something they consider to be wrong.
It is estimated that around five per cent of the global population has NPD – although it is difficult to know the true number because narcissists rarely seek help and receive diagnoses for their condition.
Thankfully, London-based psychotherapist and counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin has revealed the subtle signs that you could be dealing with a narcissist.
Read on below to explore the tell-tale signs, as well as Margaret’s advice on what to look out for, how to handle a relationship with a narcissist and how to get help…
London-based psychotherapist and counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin (pictured) has revealed the subtle signs that you could be dealing with a narcissist
LOVE BOMBING
Margaret said: ‘Timing is critical. In romantic relationships, narcissists “love bomb” and rush things. They are charming, seemingly sensitive, caring, seductive and funny. What’s not to like?
‘In this early phase, you will be idealised. Narcissists are superficial and find it tedious to genuinely get to know someone and, as a result, endeavour to quickly gain access to your life, family, finances, and home.
‘By accelerating this learning about each other process, they have limited the opportunity to expose their true nature and can drop the act, sooner.
‘The narcissist is aware that with nothing to lose you are more likely to end the relationship and when finances are combined and children arrive, the chance of ending the relationship lessens because doing so comes at a heavy cost.
‘Narcissists rely on your being less able to leave them in these circumstances,’ warned the psychotherapist.
MAKING PLANS WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT
The counsellor added that another subtle sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist is that decisions over how you spend your time will be reduced or taken away from you.
She said: ‘You may be presented with a schedule for non-working time or expected to change your own arrangements without question. A specific example would be the narcissist making plans without your consent.
Narcissism isn’t just having a big ego. It is said to be an extreme level of self-absorption to an extent that makes a person ignore the needs and feelings of other people around them (stock photo)
‘When they present it as a surprise for you it might leave you confused and questioning why you do not feel grateful. This amounts to gaslighting yourself. If you feel something is off – heed the warning.’
YOUR SOCIAL LIFE STARTS TO SHRINK
Margaret warned that a ‘hostile takeover may be occurring’, adding: ‘It looks something like this: they are so into you that they do not want any time apart from you.
‘An example might be discouraging you from going away for that important weekend with your friends. They will miss you too much.
‘If you push back, you may be punished with the silent treatment or sulking or an emotional outburst.
‘As this is exhausting you become less likely to spend time away just to keep the peace. Your social life starts to shrink.’
THEY TRACK YOUR PHONE
The psychotherapist, who founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse, warned against letting a narcissist track your phone.
She explained: ‘They may say phone tracking is to keep you safe, but it means they always know your location. If your partner doesn’t allow tracking on their phone, that’s a red flag.
‘Similarly, following or monitoring you on social media might seem fine at first, but watch for criticism about photos you post or outings with friends.
‘Their intentions will become clear over time as they reveal their true self,’ insisted the counselor.
THEY WILL LIE – BUT THINK YOU’RE AT FAULT
‘They lie, compulsively,’ claimed Margaret. ‘However, in their mind, what they say is true.
‘For instance, they might withdraw a large amount of money from your joint account without discussing it with you. When you confront them, they argue that you’re too controlling, and the money is theirs.
‘They apologize, and out of fear or trauma bonding or desperation, you accept. They genuinely believe it is their money, so they don’t consider this lying. It is their firm belief that you are at fault.’
THEY’LL SEPARATE YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS
‘Your friendships are manipulated. They will manipulate you by suggesting that your friends are not good for you and insist they (the narcissist) knows best,’ claimed the psychotherapist.
‘They may even say your friend said something to them about you to get you to question your friendship. This tactic is intended to divide and conquer.
‘They will lie about what people say about you until you no longer know who to trust. They act deliberately to distress and confuse you,’ insisted the expert.
YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION IS ABUSED
‘Financial abuse is not always identified in a relationship as being an issue. This is because of the expectations for “joint” finances and the notion of a shared home,’ warned Margaret.
‘This specific type of abuse can involve restricting your ability to work, controlling your access to bank statements while demanding to see yours, and maintaining secrecy about their own finances.
‘The narcissist’s sense of entitlement leads to double standards. Regardless of economic status, wealth is used to exert control. They may use rage or righteous indignation to control you in response to your questions.’
