Anyone who has ever spent time in the orbit of a person with narcissistic personality traits knows how hard it can be, but a Reddit post has claimed that such people might come to recognise their toxic behaviour.
A US-based Reddit user who goes by the handle @Party_Programmer_453 has revealed the moment he realised he is a narcissist and wants to change.
The 26-year-old confessed that his ‘wake-up call’ came after having an argument with his mother about a drink he spilled on her carpet.
He wrote in a post titled, ‘HELP, I’m a narcissist’: ‘So, I’ve been crashing at my mother’s place recently after some stuff went sideways in my life.
‘Last night, I was walking through the living room with a drink in my hand, not really paying attention, and I tripped.
‘The glass slipped, spilled all over the carpet. The first words out of my mouth were: ‘Why would you even put that there?”
The Redditor explained that he was referring to a side table his mother keeps near her sofa, and he had automatically blamed her for something that was ‘clearly my fault’.
‘And as soon as I heard myself say that, it was like a switch flipped in my head. It hit me how messed up that reaction was,’ he reflected.
A US-based Reddit user has opened up about the moment that made him realise he had narcissistic traits and was using them to push blame onto other people, including his girlfriend (stock image)
‘Not because I spilled something, but because of how automatic it was to blame someone else.’
He then started thinking about situations in which his girlfriend, 28, had pointed out he would ‘twist’ things in order to ‘flip blame’ onto anyone other than himself – including on her, which would ‘make her feel like she’s always doing something wrong’.
Admitting she was ‘right’, he continued: ‘I always brushed it off as her being dramatic or sensitive.
‘But standing in my mother’s living room with iced tea soaking into her carpet, I realised she was right. And it wasn’t a one-time thing.’
The Redditor, who has been with his girlfriend for three years, divulged that the couple had ‘constant little fights’, but he would ‘always have a reason why it isn’t my fault’.
Recalling several instances during which he was a self-described ‘garbage of a human being’, the user wrote: ‘Three months ago, she got home from a long shift and the kitchen was a mess.
‘She asked why I didn’t clean up, and I snapped, ‘You didn’t ask me to’. Like I needed a chore list instead of just being considerate.
‘I said, ‘You think I don’t have stuff going on too? The difference is that you always complain and I keep things to myself’ instead of just listening.
The ‘wake-up call’ occurred after he spilled a drink on his mother’s carpet as he wasn’t paying attention and tripped – but proceeded to immediately blame his mother (stock image)
‘Another time, she got emotional about something she was going through, and I made it about me. I flipped it, every f***ing time,’ he realised.
‘I always accuse her of ‘overreacting’ any time she brought up how I made her feel. Then I’d get mad at her for ‘starting fights which I now see was just her trying to communicate.’
He admitted that his girlfriend had told him ‘more than once’ that he had a habit of ‘[manipulating] the situation so it always looks like [she’s] the problem’.
The Reddit user added that, previously, he ‘honestly thought she was just being unfair’, but upon reflection has realised that he was ‘deflecting, blaming, stonewalling, all the classic signs of narcissistic behaviour’.
‘It wasn’t about being a villain, it was just… my default,’ he said.
Circling back to the drink he spilled on his mother’s carpet, the user described it was his ‘wake-up call’.
‘I spilled something. I blamed someone else. And in my head, it made perfect sense until it didn’t.’
He also realised that his behaviour didn’t just affect his girlfriend and his mother, but that he had also ‘done this exact thing over and over’ with co-workers and friends.
‘I weaponise logic to avoid blame, I gaslit people without even realising it, and I always make myself the misunderstood one.’
Upon his epiphany, the author of the post said he was turning to Reddit for ideas and suggestions on where he can start changing his behaviour, and how to seek help to do it.
‘Now I don’t know exactly what to do with this. I’ve been reading a bit about narcissistic tendencies and it’s honestly terrifying how much of it fits,’ he confessed.
‘I don’t think I’m a monster, but I can’t ignore this anymore. I don’t want to keep hurting people close to me, or keep lying to myself especially after my mother gave me that look of disgust.’
He added: ‘I want to change. I just don’t know where to begin. Please help.’
Dozens of other Reddit users offered advice to the post author, suggesting he begins therapy to discover the root of his behaviour and begin making steps towards real change.
Many acknowledged that his self-realisation was the first step towards becoming a better person and encouraged him on his journey.
‘Finally seeing all this is very hopeful for the future. Do not allow yourself to avoid/ignore it moving forward,’ one person said.
Another added: ‘I just came here to say that you even acknowledging this about yourself is huge.
‘Good for you. More people need to take accountability for their actions and behaviour.’
Several people said the first thing the post author should do is apologise to his girlfriend for all the times he made her feel like she had done something wrong even though she had not.
‘Go to your girlfriend and tell her you’re sorry. That she’s been right all along. That you never realised despite all the times she’s talked to you about these things, how you’ve been treating her,’ one Redditor said.
Another chimed in: ‘Assuming you want to keep your girlfriend, I’d start with an apology.
‘You can tell her about the iced tea, and how it’s made you realise some things you don’t like about yourself.
‘If she’s stuck around this long there’s a good chance she will continue to stick by you if she sees you actually trying to better yourself.
‘And while it is not her job to fix you, she may be willing to help or at least be a cheerleader.’
Some recommended that the post author seek an official diagnosis for narcissism in order to clarify what therapeutic work he will need to do in order to be successful in his quest for change.
‘I have a good friend who is a diagnosed narcissist. He’s done a lot of work in therapy to keep his impulses from affecting others,’ one person wrote.
‘There’s been a lot of good advice in here, but once you get a handle on your responses and reactions, I think it’s important to remember that there’s no finish line to being a better person. It’s always active and ongoing.’
Another added: ‘Therapy, therapy, therapy. You don’t sound like a full blown narcissist but you are definitely walking the path.
‘The biggest thing you are gonna have to face is the why. Narcissist Personality disorder is a maladaptive response to your upbringing.
‘Your brain wired itself this way for a reason and unlearning and undoing that is what your goal should be. You will learn tricks and hacks to undo the behaviour in the moment, but you have to unpack what got you to that point as well.’
Another suggested that the original user find a therapist who is experienced in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as they would have the best expertise to help him.
‘It took a long time to grow this way, fortunately it will take less time to unlearn it, but still, often several years,’ they continued.
‘Totally worth it! You’ll notice yourself wanting to pick apart and blame the therapist, too.
‘The sessions will be good practice. It’s so great that you want to change and grow! You are choosing well for yourself.’
According to the British Psychological Society, people with narcissistic tendencies often put their own interests ahead of others and constantly show off, as well as taking credit where it’s not deserved.
They also tend to agree with self-aggrandising and controlling statements, and feel less concern for others in distress.
In the UK, it is estimated around one in 20 people have NPD. However, the number of undiagnosed cases could be much higher.
