Yes, it’s Adam Curtis time again, as the British left’s favourite conspiracy theorist once again pulls archive clips out of a hat to prove that the freemasons staged the moon landings in order to provoke 9/11.
But why should TV have all the fun? In a bold publishing experiment, The Critic is proud to bring you The Adam Curtis Magazine Experience.
Simply read this article to yourself over the course of an hour and ten minutes. That’s right: 70 bloody minutes. Don’t worry, it’ll feel longer. To fully recreate the experience, we advise you to perform a small task after reading each caption. Perhaps you could go and make a cup of tea or clean the bathroom. Or get a head start on your tax return. But don’t have so much fun that you get distracted. Only by completing the article can you gain the kind of inner wisdom that’ll make you the toast of dinner parties.
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SHIFTLESS
Episode: well, it could be any of them.
Screen: Black.
Audio: Won’t Talk About It by Beats International
Caption: “THERE COME MOMENTS IN SOCIETIES WHEN THE FOUNDATIONS OF POWER BEGIN TO MOVE”
Video: Two women dressed as Jane Austen, walking through Bath.
Caption: “1990”
Video: Customer buying iPhone 3 in an Apple Store.
Caption: “NEIL KINNOCK’S LABOUR PARTY IS WILDLY POPULAR”
Video: Young people dancing in a frenzy at a rave.
Audio: U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer
Caption: “THE QUEEN MAKES FREQUENT LATE-NIGHT CALLS, BEGGING HIM TO FORM A GOVERNMENT”
Video: An elderly farmer slowly picks potatoes.
Caption: “THEN MARS DECIDES TO REBRAND “MARATHON” BARS AS “SNICKERS’”
Video: Footage of the first day of the Somme, played in reverse.
Caption: “THE COMPANY KNOWS THIS WILL DESTROY LABOUR”
Video: John Major pulling a pint in an Essex pub.
Audio: Kinky Afro by the Happy Mondays
Caption: “MORE AND MORE PEOPLE IN BRITAIN HAD BOUGHT COLOUR TVs IN THE 1980s”
Video: Poll tax riot in Trafalgar Square.
Caption: “AS MEN ABANDONED FLARED TROUSERS AND FLORAL SHIRTS”
Video: A knobbly knees contest at Butlins.
Caption: “BUT THERE WERE OTHER FORCES UNLEASHED BY DISCO’S DECLINE”
Video: US troops land in Panama.
Audio: Unbelievable by EMF
Caption: “IN JANUARY, ITV AIRED A NEW TV SERIES: MR BEAN”
Video: Men dressed in tailcoats play football on the roof of a tower block.
Caption: “NO ONE HAD PREDICTED IT”
Video: Gazza crying.
Caption: “‘SNICKERS” HAD ALWAYS BEEN “MARATHON” IN BRITAIN, TO THE FURY OF INTERNATIONAL CAPITALISTS”
Video: The first McDonalds opens in Moscow
Caption: “NOW, IN A MOVE PREDICTED 57 YEARS EARLIER BY PROFESSOR HYMAN ZYWONSKY AT YALE, THE NOUGAT-PEANUT-CHOCOLATE BAR WOULD BE ‘SNICKERS’”
Video: Morris dancers outside a pub in Chester.
Audio: Nothing Compares 2U by Sinéad O’Connor.
Caption: “THANKS TO THE MARS COMPANY, JOHN MAJOR WINS THE 1990 GENERAL ELECTION”
Screen fades to black.
Audio: I Wish It Would Rain Down by Phil Collins
Caption: “NEXT TIME: MADE TO MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER, BUT ARE “STARBURST” REALLY “OPAL FRUITS”?”
