In the UK, around 42% of marriages end in divorce.*
Knowing the warning signs while things are still unravelling can make the difference between beating those odds or your relationship coming to an end.
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“You can learn a lot about keeping things together by watching how they fall apart,” says James Sexton, New York divorce lawyer and author of How Not To F**k Up Your Marriage.
“I’ve had hundreds of people sitting across from me telling me very candidly what went wrong in their marriage.”
Through decades of conversations with divorcing clients, James has identified ways to “reverse-engineer” failing relationships and bring back the joy that first sparked them.
Of course, for some married people, he admits divorce can be the best option.
“The goal isn’t to stay miserably married,” he says. “I don’t see marriage as an endurance race.
“The goal is for marriage to add value to us, to help deepen our connection to ourselves, to the world, to each other, to our family.”
Here, James shares his biggest predictors that your marriage will fail, and tells you exactly what to do to save it.
You’ve stopped noticing your partner
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“If I could give one piece of advice to anyone in relationships, it would be two words: pay attention,” says James.
“It’s so easy to stop seeing your partner because they’re there all the time, and to stop hearing them because they’re always talking around you.”
When we stop noticing our partners, we don’t show them they’re appreciated. “Feeling love towards someone is great, but acting towards that person with love is important.”
James uses the example of a client who realised her relationship was over when her husband stopped buying her favourite granola, which was only available in one shop.
“Every time I ran out, there would just be a new bag,” James’ client told him, explaining that she felt loved every time she saw it. “Then, one day, the granola ran out. He didn’t replace it.”
How to fix it: Only you know – or should do – the small things your partner loves. Keep doing them to show your other half you always remember them.
For James, that means sprinkling cinnamon on his partner’s morning coffee.
For her, it means sharing a picture with James whenever she lands at the airport after a trip.
It could be leaving a thoughtful note in the morning before leaving for work.
“This tells someone: ‘I still like you, I’m thinking of you.’ It’s such a low-percentage investment,” says James. Plus, it often leads to reciprocity.
Criticism is a reflex
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Criticism makes your partner clam up and get defensive. It can cause any problem to snowball – and that includes constructive criticism.
James says: “I’m not saying that when our partner is doing something we think should be changed for their good, or for the good of the relationship, that we shouldn’t do something about it.”
However, being able to see your partner as your own personal cheerleader and a safe space from the daily criticisms of the workplace or general hardship, is how relationships thrive.
How to fix it: “Raise the positive,” says James. “Try to shift your partner’s behaviour or perspective in a way that doesn’t feel like criticism.”
That means reinforcing positive behaviour through compliments, rather than focusing on the negative behaviour you want to see altered.
James gives the example that if you prefer your partner freshly shaven, rather than endlessly telling them how much you hate their stubble, wait until they have just shaved and pile on the compliments, avoiding criticism and creating a sense of closeness.
You’ve lost yourself
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Something James always hears people say when they’re getting divorced is: “I lost myself in this relationship, I don’t remember who I am any more.”
When we spend all our time with one person or only act in one role (as a wife and/or a mother), it is easy to lose sight of our own wants and needs. Long-term, this can fuel resentment and complacency.
“Part of the fun of another person is the mystery of them,” says James. “It’s really fun to be interested and interesting.”
Maintaining a life and identity outside your relationship can help keep this interest alive and build deeper connections.
How to fix it: Dedicate time to yourself. “Learn something from happily divorced people – there is time when you’re the parent, time when you’re a single person, time for all those multitudes inside you.
You don’t have to give up a relationship to have that.”
Allow yourself that Saturday once a month to go and do the thing you love.
Monogamy has become monotonous
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You know what you like, and you do it every time – is it any wonder you don’t do it that much then?
“Even with good intentions, people ruin their own sex lives when they are monogamous,” says James.
“I’m a fan of monogamy, but I think that people unintentionally make monogamy into monotony.”
When you figure out what your partner enjoys in the bedroom, things become more “efficient” and sex becomes routine.
How to fix it: Switching things up sexually can be tricky when you’ve already established the script of your relationship.
James says that telling your partner outright what you wish you had more of in bed can feel like criticism.
Instead, he suggests finding ways to talk about your sex life indirectly.
“One of the things I suggest is saying: ‘Oh my god! I had a sex dream about you last night,’” says James.
And using that as a way to share your fantasy.
If your partner doesn’t seem on board, this also gives you space to backtrack.
“It’s a dishonesty, but one with really honest intentions – the intention is deepening connection, sharing our authenticity with our partner in a strategic way.”
You’re not doing relationship maintenance
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Amid the gestures of goodwill and intimacy chats, James says the strongest marriages also continuously evaluate and address any issues as they arise.
Otherwise, you run the risk of letting things reach crisis point before realising a lot of work needs to be done.
“Preventative maintenance is everything, it should really be the subtitle for my book,” says James.
“It’s a whole lot easier to keep something good than it is to let it fall apart and then try to fix it.
“It’s really easy to maintain your weight, it’s much harder to gain a load of weight then try to lose it.
“Think of it like having the oil changed on your car – it’s not sexy, it’s not complicated.”
How to fix it: You can make working on your relationship a conscious practice by checking in with one another on a regular basis, and being curious about what role you can play in improving your relationship.
James suggests going on a “walk and talk” regularly with your partner, where you can share things that made you feel loved that week and any issues that arose.
“It’s kind of a praise sandwich, with some good alongside things to work on,” he says.
The positive news? There’s hope. “Out of 8 billion people, you picked each other.”
- Source: *ONS
- How Not To F**k Up Your Marriage by James Sexton (£10.99, Vermilion) is out now.
