Few will forget who they were when they heard that Kemi Badenoch was dramatically reshuffling the Conservative frontbench. Opposition insiders say the Tory leader believes that after a difficult few months, this is the team that will get the party back into third place. But just who are the big names preparing to take the fight to the government? The Critic is proud to-bring you the complete list of what some observers are calling the most astonishing opposition since the days of Michael Foot.
Shadow Minister of Memes — Sleve McDichael
A rising star of the Tory benches, McDichael, 78, is taking a frontbench role after a mere 20 years in parliament. McDichael won plaudits from parliamentary observers earlier in the year for asking Keir Starmer if he would list his appointments for the day. Will be working on policy.
Shadow Bench Secretary — Onsom Sweemey
Fresh-faced Sweemey, 56, is tasked with taking the fight to the government on the airwaves, as well as policy development. A charismatic figure who came a close eighth in last year’s leadership contest, she has been repeatedly tipped as a future junior minister for Wales. Very much a rising star.
Shadow Stairmaster General — Darryl Archideld
Strong performer Archideld, 43, will lead on developing the Tory policy programme as conference approaches. A rising star, he is a former SpAd to George Osborne and subsequently Theresa May and served as a levelling up minister under Boris Johnson. He is one of the most prolific new thinkers in the now-influential online right.
Shadow Chief Owl — Anatoli Smorin
Smorin, 37, widely seen as a rising Tory star, caught Badenoch’s eye after leading last year’s successful campaign to get Earl Grey teabags removed from sale in Parliament. Has been asked what similar polices can be developed.
Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy Originals — Mario McRlwain
Known in the Commons as “the funniest man in Daventry”, 61-year-old McRlwain, a star on the rise, is a former accountant who moved into politics after failing to get a parking ticket overturned. Now developing policy ahead of next year’s local elections.
Shadow Chief Health to the Equalities — Rey McSriff
It’s no surprise that McSriff, 34, whose star is rising, has been given a big new brief. She is a key ally of Badenoch’s, advising the Tory leader on Candy Crush strategies as well as lunch options. Will now take on a role developing policy.
Shadow Minister for Offending — Raul Changerlain
A regular on the What’s Up South Shropshire? podcast, where he reads the popular Last Month’s Weather segment, 53-year-old Changerlain was described by a source who answered his phone as “a real rising star”. It’s believed his will chiefly be a policy role.
Shadow Minister Without Briefs — Glenallen Mixon
Mixon, 81, was one of the first people to endorse Badenoch for the Conservative leadership, praising her as “the best of a bad lot”. Will be responsible for seeing policy developed as the party goes into Michaelmas. Rising star.
Shadow Parliamentary Undersecretary for Prevention — Bobson Dugnutt
Known for his catchphrase “Will the honourable member give way?”, 57-year-old Dugnutthas been marked as a star on the rise ever since his three months as treasurer of Warwick University Conservative Association. He now takes on a big role coming up with policy.
Shadow Senior Parliamentary Oversecretary for Juniors — Shown Furcotte
One of a wave of veterans who came into Parliament in the last election, Furcotte, 53, is a former member of the Royal Logistic Corps who was badly wounded at the time of the invasion of Iraq when, stationed in Salisbury, he dropped a pan of hot soup onto his foot. Quickly identified as a potential rising star, he is now working on policy development.
Shadow Chief Minister for Freedom of Thinks — Mike Truk
“Kemi is passionate about free speech,” said her spokesman, explaining the new role created for Truk, 31, one of the party’s brightest rising stars. A former special adviser to Oliver Dowden, his role will be ensuring that Conservatives stay in line with policy as it’s developed.
Shadow Lord President of the Dragon — Dwigt Rortugal
Universally seen as going nowhere, 74-year-old Rortugal was given this job in an effort to put off for six months the moment when he denounces the leadership. Sources in Badenoch’s office said he’ll be kept so far from policy choices that he won’t even be allowed to choose how he takes his tea.
Shadow Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government — James Cleverly
OK, you got us. We made that one up.
