DEAR DEIDRE: SHOULD I risk losing my son after falling in love with his friend? My head is in turmoil and I don’t know what to do.
I’m a 45-year-old divorced mum. My son recently left to start a job abroad. He’s 22. He’d been living with a friend the same age he met at university.
This friend visited me one evening to return some of my son’s belongings.
He is an incredibly polite and attractive young man. As we chatted, I found myself offering to cook him dinner.
He readily agreed, and to my surprise, offered to return the next day to help me clear out the shed.
After finishing the shed he came in to freshen up before heading off on a night out with friends.
My mouth nearly hit the floor when he whipped off his top in front of me to change.
Looking up, he laughed and then, quick as a flash, pulled me into him. We started kissing in the middle of my kitchen and went straight upstairs where he eagerly undressed me.
It reminded me how passionate and virile younger men are. I felt so wanted and young again. Since that night, he has been coming to my house regularly.
We always have the most intense sex and sometimes he stays over.
I’ve fallen completely in love with him, and genuinely believe he could be my life partner.
My son is coming home in a month and although I’m really looking forward to seeing him, it does put my relationship with his friend in a different light.
Should I risk my relationship with my son, potentially losing him, for another chance at love or do I walk away from what feels like an amazing connection?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you are flattered by this young man’s attention. Relationships with big age gaps can work, but it’s vital to think about the different life stages you are both at.
The impact on your son is a huge concern. It is likely he would be deeply upset and perhaps even shocked by a romantic relationship between you and his mate, who may have seen you as a temporary fling while his friend is away.
It’s easy to get lost in the passion, but it’s important to realistically assess whether this truly has the makings of a stable, long-term partnership.
Are you prepared to jeopardise your strong relationship with your son for what might ultimately be more about infatuation than a lasting bond?
My support pack With A Younger Man? will help you look at this realistically.
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I’M JUST TOO TINY FOR GIRLS
DEAR DEIDRE: BECAUSE my penis is only five inches long when I am aroused, I’m struggling to find a girlfriend.
At college I noticed after football that it wasn’t as big as my mates and I’ve struggled with relationships since.
I am 24 and have only had one girlfriend and that lasted just two months. When we went to bed I was so anxious I couldn’t maintain an erection.
I panicked, pretended I was drunk and fell asleep. I never saw her again.
Now I feel like I’ll never be able to have an intimate relationship again because of my size. The fear of being rejected is always on my mind and affects my confidence.
This worry is always at the back of my mind that I am not physically up to the mark which makes me feel worse.
I think it’s a myth that size doesn’t count. I wish I could do something to change it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being rejected must have been extremely upsetting but a large penis is not what makes a man a good lover.
Sexual satisfaction doesn’t come from the manhood alone. A good lover is someone caring and considerate, who wants to ensure their partner is fully satisfied.
Be assured that most women reach orgasm when the clitoris is stimulated in the right way.
Since this is outside the vagina, it is not directly stimulated by the penis.
My support pack, Penis Size, will reassure you.
BLOCKED FROM BEING DAD TO BOY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY world was turned upside down two years ago, all because of a one-night stand.
The woman I slept with became pregnant, but told me she was engaged and her fiance would raise the child – which he is doing.
However, I would love to be a part of my son’s life.
I am a 29-year-old man. The woman told me her fiancé, a man I don’t know and have never met, was keen to step up and become my son’s dad. He has been there for him since day one, and he is the only father my son has ever known.
This decision was made without me. I know my son has a stable life, but think about him every day and would love to be a part of his life now.
I have never had the chance to know my son and would love to connect with him, but I am not sure how to go about it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Contact her again and express your wish to be an active part of your son’s life. Her circumstances may have changed since you last spoke to her.
Many children thrive with two father figures and your involvement could be incredibly beneficial to your son’s wellbeing.
If she’s still with her fiancé, it is vital to approach the situation with your son’s best interests at heart.
For support on how to have this conversation contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
TIRED OF BEING ACCUSED BY HIM
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEEL suffocated by my boyfriend’s constant suspicion that I’m being unfaithful.
My every move is being scrutinised by him. He even checks my make-up and clothes when I go out without him, commenting if he thinks my look is “too much” or “too revealing”.
I’m 26, he is 29 and we have been together for a year. His ex-wife cheated on him with his best friend and this has always overshadowed our relationship.
While I understand how devastating it must have been, his accusations are groundless. He’s constantly paranoid that I’m talking to other men, but it’s simply not true.
Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he shuts down the conversation, blocks me and refuses to listen. We live 30 miles apart and in the week the distance is definitely part of the issue, as we only see each other on weekends.
It seems to fuel his paranoia. Last weekend, I was using his laptop because I’d left mine at home. I stumbled upon his browser history. It was a list of escort sites. When I confronted him, he lied, insisting it was just porn.
His behaviour is a rollercoaster of contradictions.
One minute, he’s controlling, calling me names, and making me feel small, the next, he’s showering me with affection and charm, as if nothing happened. His changeable moods are exhausting. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend’s insecurity is likely down to being cheated on by his wife but his controlling behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
Even if he alternates his controlling behaviour with being lovely, you must not put up with this.
He may be suspicious because of what he is up to himself. It’s possible you might never be able to stop him from being suspicious of you.
Tell him this has to end – the paranoia, the looking at escort sites, the lies – and set a time limit for him to change.
Unless he takes a leap of faith and tries to build trust he will always bring you down. My support pack Dealing With Jealousy explains more.
