Sex I had with my brother haunts me and I’m so worried history will repeat itself I can’t leave my own kids together

DEAR DEIDRE: THE inappropriately close relationship I had with my brother is now ruining my experience of motherhood.

I’m so scared that history will repeat itself that I can’t leave my young children alone together, and I panic when they touch each other.

When I was 17 and my brother was 18, we had a secret relationship — which I instigated.

What started as naive, teenage experimentation turned into an incestuously sexual relationship, which lasted until I left home.

I’ve never told a soul about it, and neither has he.

It wasn’t abusive but we are both aware it was socially unacceptable and against the law, and feel ashamed of what happened.

I can’t explain it, except to say that we were brought up in a strictly religious household where sex was considered to be a sin.

Neither of us was allowed to date or go out to parties and the like.

We were also exceptionally close, perhaps because we were so near to each other in age, without many friends.

I’m now 39 and married with two young children — a boy and a girl who are six and four.

He’s still single. We’re still in touch but we don’t talk about the past.

I didn’t dwell on it until my daughter became a toddler, and began to interact with her brother.

Suddenly, I felt terrified of what might occur if I didn’t prevent it.

I started keeping my kids apart, making them play alone in their rooms.

If I see them play-fighting, I pull them apart.

My husband is starting to notice. I know this isn’t normal, and I worry it’s harming their development.

Please help. All I want is for my children to have a happy, ordinary childhood.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re brave to admit what happened and to ask for help. You’re not a bad person.

Clearly you love your children and don’t want to damage them.

But, as you’re aware, it’s important they are allowed to interact normally.

What occurred between you and your brother was unusual – though not unheard of – and it’s very unlikely history will repeat itself, especially if your children aren’t brought up in the strictly religious way you were.

It sounds like you may be more traumatised by what happened – and more guilty about it – than you’d allowed yourself to believe.

Speaking about this to people who understand and won’t judge will help you. You can talk in confidence to nspcc.org.uk (0808 800 5000).

You would also benefit from counselling. Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help.

PAL HAS CROSSED THE LINE

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend never liked how close I was to my male mate, but I told him it was platonic.

Now I’m worried his fear was well-founded, after my friend crossed a line.

I’m 29, my partner is 30 and we’ve been together two years. My pal and I have known each other since uni. We’d meet for drinks or text about music and life – nothing flirty.

My boyfriend didn’t love it but I told him there he had nothing to fear.

Yet a few nights ago, when my friend walked me home after a gig, without warning he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth.

I pushed him away and told him he was out of order. He just shrugged and said he “had to try”.

I told my boyfriend immediately – but instead of supporting me, he called me a cheat and stormed out.

I’m upset at how they’ve both behaved. How can I get life back on track?

DEIDRE SAYS: What your friend did was a serious violation of your trust and consent.

You can contact victimsupport.org.uk (0808 168 9111), who can offer free, confidential help.

You did the right thing by being honest with your boyfriend, but his reaction isn’t fair or helpful.

Jealousy can be painful, but it shouldn’t lead to unfair accusations.

Consider having a calm conversation when he’s ready, explaining how his response to this situation has made you feel.

WIFE’S DOGS ARE RUINING MY LIFE

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has just bought another dog after we had to have two rehomed a year ago because the neighbours complained about the noise they made.

They wouldn’t stop barking if we left them on their own and were still pretty noisy even when one of us was there.

I am 44 and my wife is 39. We have been together for ten years.

We both work full time and are often out in the evening, so the dogs were left alone for quite long periods on our work days.

One of our neighbours became very aggressive when he complained about the noise.

He swore at me and my wife and threatened us.

It was a very stressful time and in the end it really got to me – the constant barking of the dogs, the rows I was having with my wife about it and then this neighbour having a go at me every time I went outside.

One day I ended up in a fight with this guy when he saw me in the nearby pub – all because of the dogs. The police were called to break it up.

After that, the only option I could see was that the dogs had to be rehomed.

My wife was very much against it and still resents me for making it happen. I thought that was the end of it, but she has now spent money which we can’t afford on a puppy.

She didn’t even ask my opinion. I arrived home one evening to find the dog in our kitchen.

Worse still, even though it cries all night she is talking about getting another one.

I wish she could see what it’s doing to me.

DEIDRE SAYS: She is disregarding your feelings. You need to talk to her and explain how hurtful her behaviour is.

Things can be different this time but your wife needs to understand the puppy needs proper training.

You can talk to the vet for advice on classes. Your puppy also needs plenty of exercise once it is old enough.

The result will be a happier, more settled dog and your neighbours will benefit, too.