Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. In which case you might care to pour yourself a large VAT. What follows is more frightening evidence of the broken ‘asylum’ system in Surkeir’s socialist utopia, as Donald Trump warns correctly that illegal immigration will destroy Britain from within.
Just when you thought you’d heard it all – illegals avoiding deportation on the grounds that they own a cat, or their kid doesn’t like the taste of Albanian chicken nuggets – along come yet another couple of far more sinister contenders for the You Couldn’t Make It Up files.
Not for the first time, my only problem is: where to start?
An Egyptian ‘asylum seeker’ who raped a woman in London’s Hyde Park turns out to have been living in a four-star Hilton hotel at taxpayers’ expense.
Abdelrahmen Adnan Abouelela – there’s a Countdown Conundrum for you – arrived here a couple of years ago after being convicted of terrorism offences in Egypt in 2015.
Abouelela was found guilty in his absence of manufacturing explosives to be used in bombing electricity pylons and gas lines.
He fled the jurisdiction before he could be sentenced and has been on the run for the past ten years, living variously in Malaysia, Sudan and Turkey.
Even though the Turks granted him asylum, he decided he’d be happier in Britain. In April 2023, he claimed asylum on the grounds that he would face ‘persecution’ if he was returned to Egypt.
Abdelrahmen Adnan Abouelela, 42, was jailed for raping a woman in Hyde Park in November
Oh dear, how sad, never mind.
He’d been convicted of bomb-making and planning terror attacks in Egypt. If anyone deserved to be persecuted, he did. Not our problem.
Yet our lily-livered, far-Left legal system took pity on him. Instead of booking him on a Night Boat To Cairo, they put him up in the four-star Hampton by Hilton hotel in Ealing.
(I tried to check out the room rate at the hotel, but it was showing ‘sold out’ for the forseeable. Presumably, this is another of those hotels which has been commandeered for the exclusive use of ‘migrants’.
The website boasts: ‘Each modern guest room includes a 55 in HDTV, mini-fridge, complimentary WiFi, and 24-hour fitness centre access.’ (Certainly beats the hell out of a fetid jail cell in Cairo, where he’d have to make nice with a snaggle-toothed camel jockey doing a ten-stretch for goat-rustling and determined to make him Walk Like An Egyptian.)
At the time Abouelela applied for asylum here, he had a wife and kid in Ankara, Jack. But he went out for a ride and he never went back.
The British authorities should have been well aware of his bomb-making conviction and his membership of the Muslim Brotherhood, designated a terrorist organisation in many countries across Europe and the Middle East – but not in soft-touch UK, which rolls out the red carpet for terrorists from around the world.
Home Office officials spent 17 months pondering over whether or not to grant Abouelela’s asylum application, during which time he was allowed to wander around at will. He even posed for a selfie in January last year outside the Imperial War Museum North in Trafford, Greater Manchester. (Another target?)
Roland Matranxhi is an Albanian drugs dealer who was allowed to stay in the UK
Anyway, what’s to ponder? He’s a convicted Islamist terrorist who has no right to be here. But when has a minor detail like that ever worried our taxpayer-funded yuman rites industry?
Abouelela repaid our generous hospitality by raping a vulnerable woman in Hyde Park, a crime for which he was jailed for eight and half years this week.
No doubt when he’s released early, after serving a third of his sentence to free up space for someone who posted hurty words on Twitter, he’ll be granted indefinite leave to remain. They’re probably plumping up the cushions and putting the champagne on ice in the bridal suite at the Ealing Hilton in anticipation of his return.
Think I’m joking? It was only a couple of days ago that I brought you news of the Home Office advertising for wedding planners for illegal migrants.
And you might conclude that would be enough to be going on with for one column. But sadly not. So you’ll probably want to refill your glass.
Coming up after the break, another everyday story of our fun-loving Albanian friends.
My next guest is Roland Matranxhi, an Albanian drugs dealer who was allowed to stay in the UK after an immigration judge ruled that his relationship with his wife might ‘dwindle away’ if he was deported.
Matranxhi was jailed for four and a half years after he and two others were caught red-handed when police raided their house and found cannabis worth up to £200,000, alongside £11,000 cash hidden in a shoebox and notebooks of shopping lists to help grow cannabis.
They were already on the Old Bill’s radar after another house had been raided and £1 million of cannabis seized.
First plane out, you might have thought, especially after our Government boasted it had signed a returns agreement with the Albanian government.
Er, not as such. Step forward Mrs Matranxhi, who threw herself on the mercy of the First-tier Tribunal of the Immigration and Asylum Chamber (yes, really), pleading that she couldn’t possibly move to Albania.
The sympathetic tribunal judge said this meant that their ‘loving relationship’ would ‘go cold’, and ruled that Matranxhi could remain in the country as he met a test for ‘compelling circumstances’.
Compassion in action, you may conclude, especially as she didn’t want to be separated from her sister, who lives with her.
That’s until you learn that Mrs Wossname is Portuguese, not British. In court she was known only as Miss Mareno, so they may or may not be married in the eyes of the law. Who knows?
(The only Mareno/Moreno I’ve ever heard of was Rita Moreno, from West Side Story, and she’s Puerto Rican, not Portuguese. Or was that Jose Mourinho?)
What the hell? Just run that by me again. Let’s see if I’ve got this right. We can’t deport an Albanian gangster because he’s in a ‘loving relationship’ with a Portuguese woman who doesn’t want to be separated from her sister, with whom she lives in Britain?
Call me controversial: but why can’t they move to Portugal, or Albania? Unless, of course, the sister has an aversion to chicken nuggets.
No doubt by the time he gets out of jail early (to make way for a non-crime hate criminal), they’ll all live happily ever after in the four-star Lord Hermer suite at the Hampton by Hilton in Ealing, two doors down from the Egyptian rapist/terrorist and his extended family.
And in late-breaking news . . .
After two false starts, following predictable interventions by activist judges and taxpayer-funded yuman rites lawyers, the first illegal migrant was sent back to France yesterday under the ‘one-in, one-out’ scheme. He won’t be in France for long. He’s being sent straight on to India.
You couldn’t etc . . .
So why can’t we just cut out the middle man and deport him to India ourselves?
I’d ask Surkeir, but if he wasn’t Prime Minister he’d he have been in court representing the Indian involved, as well as the Egyptian rapist/terrorist, and the Albanian drugs dealer, opposing their deportation under his beloved European yuman rites act.
It’s almost 25 years since I invented a spoof game show called ‘Asylum’, which has been doing the rounds on the internet ever since, highlighting the absurdity of Britain’s lax immigration system.
These days, it’s long past a joke, broken beyond repair. Large VAT, please, Dave. Better make it a double double.
