This article is taken from the December-January 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
From: Ben.Nunn@HMT
Apologies, but for a whole lot of reasons due to the war in Ukraine and the legacy of 14 years of Conservative government, we’re going to have to cancel Rachel’s Christmas drinks next week.
From: Lisa.Nandy@DCMS
Actually, *I’m* the Culture Secretary.
From: Morgan.McSweeney@No10
Of course Keir didn’t authorise any briefing against any members of the Cabinet. Wes is only saying that because he’s a poisonous dwarf, and if Shabana’s repeating it, it just goes to show that she’s completely untrustworthy. This is a united government that is pulling together, and anyone who says different is going to get a smack in the teeth.
From: [email protected]
OPERATIONAL: Ed Davey will be marking the start of the festive season by spending 24 hours dressed as an angel and sitting on top of the Surbiton High Street Christmas tree, to raise awareness of the plight of dolphins.
From: [email protected]
I’ve always been very clear with my children that Santa Claus is for the weak.
From: Ben.Nunn@HMT
Actually, we’ve had some better numbers in from the Office for Budget Responsibility, and Rachel’s Christmas drinks are back on.
From: Lisa.Nandy@DCMS
Since the election!
From: [email protected]
Not sure, actually. Are they endangered? I think maybe some of the tuna aren’t friendly to them? Let me check and come back to you.
From: [email protected]
Nah, I respected the Queen, but I can’t bring myself to listen to a Christmas broadcast from that pinko Charles. It’ll be more guff about peace and love between all men: enough to make you chuck up your plum duff.
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From: Lisa.Nandy@DCMS
What do you mean? I’ve done loads! I made a speech on towns in March.
From: [email protected]
Oh, a quiet traditional Christmas with the family: opening presents, posing for pictures of myself watching opening the presents, posting the pictures on the socials. Oh, and watching It’s a Wonderful Life. I love the bit where they build Potterville.
From: Ben.Nunn@HMT
Sorry, drinks are off.
