Citizens, it is safe to emerge from your shelters.
The Westminster maniacs broke up yesterday. End-of-term prize-giving sees the following chumps recognised for their efforts in 2025:
John Slinger (Lab, Rugby) – makes Sir James Dyson look an amateur in the science of suction. When an unpopular policy needs defending, ministers can count on Slinger for hymned adoration. As bendy John himself put it: ‘I am a Labour MP and I vote with the Government – it’s as simple as that.’ Rugby voters might as well have sent us a lump of mutton.
Catherine Atkinson (Lab, Derby N) – barrister whose client is herself. Her pro-government questions are put with formulaic hand-waving and condemnation of the Tories, whereupon she resumes her seat, crosses those legs and flicks her long hair like Kenny Everett. Has been made a bag-carrier at the Foreign Office.
Kieran Mullan (Con, Bexhill & Battle) – nodding dog to Shadow Justice Secretary Robert Jenrick. Dr Mullan is so glued to Bobby J, it would be no surprise to hear he accompanies him to the Gents.
Sarah Coombes (Lab, West Bromwich) – few Labour backbenchers have felt like supporting the Government’s policy of reducing jury trials but Sister Coombes was in there like a silverfish. Once worked for Tom Watson and Sadiq Khan. Quite a double whammy.
Max Wilkinson (Lib Dem, Cheltenham) – this received-wisdom artiste came a cropper when he accused Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood of ‘stoking division’ with her overhaul of the asylum system. Ms Mahmood snapped that she was the one who had had to endure being called a ‘f****** P***’, so Mr Wilkinson should zip his patronising, middle-class lip. Bullseye.
Labour’s Catherine Atkinson, a barrister by trade, is now a bag-carrier in the Foreign Office
Labour MP John Slinger has made himself useful in the parliamentary party by defending terrible policies
Calvin Bailey (Lab, Leyton & Wanstead) – loves saying he used to be an RAF pilot, but not so brave about standing up to the whips. Enthused about the widely hated Northern Ireland Troubles Bill which will make life hell for SAS veterans. Also keen on the Chagos Isles surrender. Alas, his ministerial career is still stuck on the apron.
More estimable performers included:
Brian Leishman (Lab, Alloa & Grangemouth) – Left-wing former golf-club pro who swings his mashie-niblick at Ed Miliband’s Net Zero. His constituency has suffered terrible oil-refinery job cuts. Referring to a local dance school, he confessed he has ‘two left feet’. Leader of the House Sir Alan Campbell drily said this was no surprise.
Markus Campbell-Savours (Lab, Penrith & Solway) – has refused to support the family farms tax. Leads a knot of Labour MPs with agricultural seats. They want Rachel Reeves sacked.
Farming minister Dame Angela Eagle – the Zuleika Dobson of Merseyside, voice like a nuthatch, a goddess trailing sighs in her scented wake . . . sorry, too much Yuletide sherry. Angela Eagle may not be the lightest of souffles and she can be brusque – an answer yesterday on farmer suicides was bracingly blunt – but she has a flinty character and puts in the reading hours on her brief.
Labour has dire policies on farms but Ms Eagle at least has the intellect to formulate a defence.
Sir Chris Bryant is getting a reputation for upstaging his colleagues – despite not being in Cabinet
Trade minister Sir Christopher Bryant – annoys Labour colleagues almost more than his opponents but the inconvenient truth is that waistcoated Sir Chris is cleverer and quicker than any other minister. Previously upstaged Lisa Nandy at Culture. Is now doing the same to unbookish Peter Kyle at Trade.
Why is Sir Chris not in Cabinet? Too pleased with himself? Is there some other reason? Who knows? But the Cabinet is hardly over-stuffed with talent.
Finally, my recent note about bores in the House of Lords has provoked outrage from the upper house, peers chastising me for omitting certain clunkers.
I have been berated for not mentioning: the ‘monotonous righteousness’ of Lord Scriven (Lib Dem); ‘tooth grinder’ Lady Pinnock (Lib Dem); Labour ex-Defence Secretary Des Browne (‘does not improve with age’); the ‘nasal Foreign Office hauteur’ of crossbencher Lord Hannay; and Lady Hamwee (Lib Dem). ‘The sight of her name on the annunciator screens improves sales in the bars.’
Which is where I am going now.
For a fortnight.
