There was mild excitement in the Palace of Westminster on Wednesday afternoon at the news that archaeologists working in the building had found flints dating back 6,000 years, to a time when our ancestors gathered by the river to fish, hunt and argue about the route of HS2.
To offer some context, the find underneath Parliament is evidence of prehistoric humans at the site over a thousand years before the building of Stonehenge. The now-delipidated wonder attracts tourists from across the globe, who come to marvel at a historic structure whose purpose no one understands. A lot of them visit Stonehenge, too.
We had no time for any of that ancient nonsense, though, for it was time for Prime Minister’s Questions, where Conservative MP Kit Malthouse rose to express concern about delays to the passage of the Lovingly Moving Ancestors Away From The Fire Bill, as Kim Leadbeater’s attempt to introduce assisted dying isn’t quite known.
“Many of us are becoming concerned that technical or procedural manoeuvres outside of this House may be used to prevent Parliament reaching a decision,” Malthouse thundered. What he meant was that the bill is stuck in the upper chamber, where their lordships are — depending on your perspective — engaging in a blocking action or doing the job of legislative scrutiny that Malthouse and Leadbeater managed to swerve in the Commons. In reply, Keir Starmer declined to take a view on what may be the most consequential piece of legislation of his time in office. Perhaps he’s having second thoughts about encouraging the nation to do away with people who’ve outlived their usefulness.
It was time to hear from the chamber’s own Neanderthal, Lee Anderson of Reform
Kemi Badenoch stood to punch the bruise that is next week’s Budget. “His government are the first government in history to float an increase in income tax rates, only to then U-turn on it,” she said, “all after the actual Budget.” Presumably she meant to say “before”, and her error allowed Starmer to make a crack that the Budget had yet to happen.
The Tory leader tried again. “This is the first Budget to unravel before it has even been delivered,” she said, suggesting that she has forgotten the Cursed Budget Of 2020, which saw the resignation of Chancellor of the Exchequer Sajid Javid during its preparation, and was then overwhelmed by Covid. Anyway, there’s still a week to go to the Budget, and no one would rule out another Treasury reversal. It might ravel back up between now and then.
The problem with these exchanges is that neither leader is on firm ground. Badenoch is quite correct that the government is struggling to clear up the many messes it inherited, and Starmer has a point about who exactly was doing what when those messes were made. “They are making it up as they go along,” the Tory leader said. “Does the country not deserve better than government by guesswork?” True, but it could have been said by anyone standing in the same spot over the last ten years.
It was time to hear from the chamber’s own Neanderthal, Lee Anderson of Reform. “While those on the Labour front bench continue to peddle their own form of dog-whistle politics,” he began, and the Commons fell about. The Reform line is that Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood is their newest recruit with her asylum crackdown. Was Anderson now saying that was a bad thing? Or does he mean “dog-whistle politics” as high praise? Perhaps when he hears people suggesting his party leader is a “a bit fash”, he thinks they’re talking about Nigel Farage’s natty suits.
The prime minister responded with a taunt about The Guardian’s report on Nigel Farage’s school days, which have long been the subject of rumour. Usually when Reform are attacked in the chamber, Farage waves his arms in delight at the attention. His response this time was more muted: a shrug and a comment that was sadly inaudible. What has it come to when what happens in Dulwich College doesn’t stay in Dulwich College?
Mike Wood, a Conservative, asked the prime minister to intervene to save the Telegraph newspaper. It was, Starmer said, “a serious issue”. However, he added, “I am not quite sure what he is asking the government to do — to step in and nationalise it?” Seizing the means of news production would certainly be a bold move. But journalists have a proud tradition of sucking up to their proprietors, so this might be a way to generate some positive headlines. Coming soon to Telegraph Online: comment pieces in praise of Lord Hermer, and a long series on why Mauritius is the rightful ruler of the Chagos Islands.
The session over, MPs poured out of the chamber. Has anything changed since 4300 BC? Probably not. Back then Stig was complaining that Ug had failed to fix the sabre-tooth tigers while the sun was shining, and Tharg was warning about all the immigrants crossing the river on small rafts. And somewhere in the distance, Zog was shouting that it had been a mistake ever to come down from the trees.
