This article is taken from the February 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
From: Tim.Allan@No10
Great lunch, thanks. Completely forgot why I suggested it: wanted to pick your brains about an idea I’ve had. Could Keir do a podcast? A bit of witty banter with his mates, a few jokes about all the films they’ve seen, how much they like the Arsenal, that sort of thing? Don’t really know how these work: do we need to get the BBC to put them out at a set time? Thought we could give it a snappy name: Here’s Keir With Chat to Cheer!
From: fallon.michael.xmp@hotmail
Robert, Long time no speak! Just wondering if you could point me towards the person in Reform who handles defectors. I’m due a peerage, and if Reform will take Nad (and indeed Nad!) surely they’ve got room to slip in a little bit of Fallon.
From: [email protected]
Look, I’m close to Trump, and I’ll tell you one thing about that man: people keep underestimating him. When he says that there are tiny green aliens in the Lincoln Bedroom who are plotting to kill him, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’s got a reason. You’ll hear a lot of people today sneering at his plan to launch America’s entire nuclear arsenal at the alien moon base, but those people haven’t achieved a quarter of what my friend the president has done. Now I’m nipping out for a smoke. Rob J has very generously sent round a huge carton of Capstan Unfiltered.
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From: [email protected]
From: YvetteCooper@FCDO
Hi Rob, we’re having a whip-round for Greenland. Do you have any prizes you could share that we could pass on to Trump? A BAFTA or two would be really handy. Even a British Press Award.
From: [email protected]
Sorry, think I sent a file to you that I meant to send to the printer! Please delete and ignore, thanks.
From: [email protected]
Hi, it’s Truth-Telling Liz here, offering an exciting opportunity to come on The Liz Truss Show. I tried to call, but your phone is going straight to voicemail. You might want to get that looked at. The Bank of England did something similar to my phone, just before the Rothschilds pushed me out.
