This article is taken from the July 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £25.
From: James.Lyons@Number10
Look, obviously government is a learning curve, but, from here on, our position is No More U-Turns. We’ll be holding the line, however unpopular it is with MPs. To emphasise that, Keir’s going to be going drag racing next week: a fast car, a quarter of a mile, a straight line, turning neither left nor right. Let us know if you want to send a camera.
From: [email protected]
WOW! Reform’s crack DOGE unit has discovered that Kent council is SQUANDERING £100 million a year! Our brilliant team has been scouring the books, and found the council FREELY ADMITS that £4 in every £100 spent goes on “Waste”.
From: James.Lyons@Number10
Well, he probably won’t be going very fast, no.
From: [email protected]
OP NOTE: To show his support for our precious farmers, Ed Davey will visit Nantwich to be dipped in a 10-foot vat of melted cheddar. Pictures only.
From: [email protected]
Why doesn’t it just say “binmen”, then?
From: [email protected]
No, I think Keir’s doing a brilliant job! I remember looking after men his age when I was a carer, and he’s far more energetic than they were.
From: [email protected]
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From: James.Lyons@Number10
OK, so the motorsport idea is going ahead, but the slight tweak is that Keir will be visiting Silverstone, where he’ll do a series of loops of the track at a moderate pace.
From: [email protected]
I could have got an India trade deal if I’d wanted one. In fact, I did get an India trade deal. And it was much better than this one. But we didn’t want it because it wasn’t good enough. Even though it was brilliant. Because that’s the only kind of deal I make.
From: [email protected]
To be fair, I think she genuinely is getting better each week. She could hardly be getting worse.
From: James.Lyons@Number10
Yes, ok, “slowly going round in circles”.
