DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife and I realised opening up our marriage wouldn’t work for us, after a disastrous evening at a swinging party.
Both of us had wanted to add spice to our boring sex life, but I hated the party and she said the same.
I’m 38, so is my wife, and we have been married for ten years, with two school-aged children.
The night we went to a swingers’ club, it didn’t take long for my wife to have sex with a young, well-built man.
Instead of getting involved, I stood on the side awkwardly watching. It made me feel deeply inadequate.
I quickly called a taxi and we left. I admitted I hadn’t enjoyed it and she said the same. I thought we could improve our relationship ourselves and we dropped the subject.
Days later, someone called “Sarah” rang. When I answered, a man claimed he’d got the wrong number.
I checked my wife’s messages, which showed “Sarah” arranging a rendezvous and references to meeting the week before.
Confronting her caused a huge row. She admitted “Sarah” was the guy from the swingers’ club.
I moved out for a while, but returned because I missed the kids.
We agreed to reconcile, but later a friend of my wife told me she had continued seeing several men, even after I went back.
I confronted her again and she broke down, admitting she returned to the club and even had group sex.
Worse, she has failed to use protection with multiple partners.
I went to a clinic and discovered that I had caught something from her.
While I love her, her behaviour has torn us apart.
DEIDRE SAYS: You were open to the idea of swinging and, in acting on this, you crossed a significant boundary.
Your wife will know what she’s doing is wrong, but still she keeps returning to infidelity. If your family is to have any chance of survival, it’s time to be clear with her that all outside sexual activity must end.
Ask her why she keeps straying and what she needs from your marriage. In turn, make sure you tell her what you need.
If she’s not willing to change her behaviour, constantly forgiving her will only further erode your relationship.
You are both likely to benefit from sex and relationship therapy to help you understand how to strengthen your relationship, in and out of the bedroom.
The College Of Sex And Relationship Therapists (COSRT.org.uk) can help direct you to a reputable counsellor.
Focus on finding new, mutually satisfying ways you can thrill one another without involving anyone else.
My support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, will help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
IN LOVE BUT CAN’T REUNITE
DEAR DEIDRE: THINGS with my ex-girlfriend are a complete mess.
I’m 26 and she’s 21. We’ve been meeting for amazing sex, even though we split up three years ago. The biggest problem is that we are both in serious relationships.
It’s difficult because her boyfriend is a control freak who constantly checks her phone. Despite the danger, we spent two full nights together and our physical connection is still strong.
We spoke honestly and still love one another, but we realised that breaking up with our current partners and getting back together is too difficult right now.
Then we had incredible sex again. We clearly make each other extremely happy, but where do we go from here?
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to ask yourselves why this is too difficult. If either of you has children with your current partners, you owe it to them to exhaust every option to save the family.
Talking to a counsellor may help. Check out Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
If you are hesitating to avoid hurting your partners, cheating is more damaging than being honest.
Stop your affair until you can take decisive action.
Use the time to consider if your relationships with your respective partners can be salvaged. Only then will you know if it’s time to walk away and potentially be together.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, will help.
ARE THOSE SEXY UNDIES RED FLAG?
DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING my girlfriend is wearing sexy lingerie to work, when it’s usually big granny pants, has made me anxious she is cheating.
I’m 43 and she is 42. We’ve been together for almost a decade.
She works in a call centre where she sits in a cubicle all day with no one seeing her, so she doesn’t need to dress up.
The fact that she’s making such an effort for a mundane job, rather than for me, has set off a huge alarm bell.
But this change isn’t the only thing. She’s also become very secretive and I recently caught her out lying.
She swore she’d had lunch with a friend, but I later saw a receipt proving she had been at a coffee shop on the other side of town.
Now, she is obsessively hiding her phone, making sure I can’t see the screen or find it when she’s not around.
The sexy lingerie, the deceit and secrecy all point to one thing.
DEIDRE SAYS: Before jumping to conclusions, are you sure the sexy underwear isn’t for you?
While she may be hiding something, avoiding the issue will only make you miserable.
You need to talk to her now. Tell her you love her and are worried about your relationship.
Focus on repairing the connection you share rather than on her behaviour.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, will help if your fears are confirmed.
I’M SURE MY GUY IS PLAYING AWAY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY name is Chloe, so when my boyfriend sleepily whispered, “Oh, Jessica” as I kissed him in bed, it seemed to confirm my worst fears.
He is 32 and I’m 31. We’ve been together for a couple of years and, until recently, he was everything I could ask for – kind, attentive and simply amazing.
But for months now, I’ve had a nagging feeling that he’s been talking to other women.
A few weeks ago, I found proof. I’d used his iPad and his accounts were still logged in to.
The sick feeling started when I found emails from a dating site. One was from a woman suggesting they meet up. He replied that he’d love a night away and suggested a date.
I confronted him, but was so desperate to believe he wouldn’t betray me that I accepted his excuse when he claimed his mates had been messing with his account.
Then came the “Jessica” incident and the doubt was back. Unbelievably, it got even worse: a man messaged me telling me that my boyfriend was having a fling with his girlfriend. That’s when I checked his phone.
I found an email to an ex-girlfriend saying how stunning she looked when he’d seen her in a club.
I blew up, but he still insists he hasn’t cheated, swearing he loves me and wants to be with me. How can I possibly believe that when the evidence is right there? I can’t sleep. I’m convinced he is playing away.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s time to find out if he’s capable of real change.
Give him an ultimatum – be clear that this is his last chance to commit fully to your relationship, and if you find one more instance of cheating or flirting, it’s over. No more excuses.
Get him to work out what lies behind his behaviour by asking him to look at his past.
What was his home life like? How did his parents treat each other? If he witnessed hurt or instability, he may be unconsciously keeping his options open to avoid his own pain.
My support pack, Can’t Be Faithful, explains more.
HOT TOPIC
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Around 15.4million people in the UK experience hair loss at any given time.
Whether it’s a receding hairline, thinning patches or sudden shedding after stress or illness, it’s natural to feel self-conscious or worried.
If you’re struggling to cope, my support pack Losing Your Hair? can help.
