FIXING her makeup, Fernanda Fabian gets ready for her hot date that evening.
She takes a final look in the mirror before planting a kiss on her boyfriend’s cheek before heading out.
7
7
But Fernanda isn’t cheating on Michael*, in fact he knows exactly where she’s off to.
The couple agreed on the controversial setup which allows Fernanda, 31, to see other people, when they first started dating.
And while Michael, 40, remains committed to her, he says there are no feelings of jealousy on his part; and no feelings of guilt on her end.
But it’s not always been that way.
“When I started having feelings for other people at first, I felt like I was doing something wrong,” the relationship coach admits.
“These didn’t impact how I felt about Michael – if anything, I became more appreciative of him.
“Now, I only feel guilty if I feel like I’ve compromised my relationship for someone else.
“For example, I accidentally took the last bit of freshly baked bread to share with a date and left Michael with the store-bought one.
“With time, he’s gotten more used to me going on dates and sleeping with other people.”
While Fernanda enjoys dating other people she always tries to prioritise Michael.
“He doesn’t experience jealousy anymore because he feels secure in our connection,” she says.
“Even though he doesn’t ask for it, I constantly express my love and appreciation for him.
“And I always try to put our relationship first.”
Fernanda knew she wasn’t into monogamy in her mid-20s.
She met Michael shortly after this realisation, though was clear with him from the start about her feelings.
Even though he was open to the idea, he asked to kick things off just the two of them.
She says: “I agreed to go in stages and he’d be the one to determine when and how we’d move to the next one.
“I always respected his boundaries and he made an effort to push himself to become more comfortable with me seeing other people.
7
7
7
“I didn’t date anyone else for the first year, but I did attend a couple of play parties – with his consent – while we were long distance.”
Fernanda now makes an effort to respect Michael’s feelings when she goes out on dates.
“Whenever I go on a date now, we don’t talk about it,” she says.
“Unless I’m struggling with something and need his support.
“At first, Michael needed some space, but now we’re able to spend time together and connect right away – although never sexually on the same night.
“I always make sure my partners wear condoms to protect both of our safety.”
Fernanda, who runs the podcast and relationship coaching company, Polycurious, says if Michael asked to close their relationship, she would do so – though it would most likely be temporary.
She has made the decision herself before when feeling “overwhelmed” and “disappointed” within her other relationships.
Even though they share a stable connection, Fernanda would be open to Michael exploring being non-monogamous if he wished to try it.
She adds: “A part of me wants him to have that experience because I know how fulfilling it can be and in some ways, even additive to our relationship.
“I’m pretty sure I would experience some jealousy, though.
“But those feelings would eventually go – just like they did with him.”
For now, they have biweekly check-ins about their relationship and are open about it to her family; not his.
She believes more couples should question if non-monogamy is actually the “norm”.
Fernanda, from Denver, added: “My mum had concerns we didn’t truly love each other and that we would break up – but seven years later, we’re still going strong.
What is polyamory?
Polyamory is the practice of having romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties.
It can refer to relationships where one person has multiple partners or spouses, or where all parties are in a relationship with each other, for example in a throuple.
According to You Gov, 6.8% of people in the UK have been in a polyamorous relationship.
“With time, she’s come to admire our relationship.
“Some people online have commented that I am taking advantage of him, but that isn’t the case.
“He actually prefers this arrangement.”
For those looking to open their own relationship, Fernanda has shared her advice.
“My advice is to make sure your relationship is solid already and take it slow,” she adds.
“Monitor your partner’s response and if they have a negative reaction, reassure them of your love and commitment.
“It’s likely they will take the decision personally; but seeing other people doesn’t mean you love them any less.
“I think a big reason why our mono-poly dynamic works is because I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert.
“I get energy from spending time with people and he gets that from being on his own.
“When I come home from being on a date, we’re fully recharged.”
*Names have been changed
7
7
