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DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has shown me her OnlyFans account – to reassure me – but it’s left me feeling even more unsettled.
I knew something was up when I got home from work early one day and she shut down her laptop in such haste.
She tried to dismiss me saying it was just some ugly photos of her but I insisted on finding out the truth and asked her to show me.
Reluctantly she re-opened her laptop to reveal she’d just been interacting with one of her subscribers.
As if it made it all okay she then showed me her content. Proclaiming ‘It’s so tame. I only do the girlfriend experience.’
And it’s true she wasn’t stripping off or anything but to say there was no intimacy would be completely wrong.
While she wasn’t sending nudes or overtly sexual messages, all the interactions were deeply personal.
She was sharing personal details – with me her real life boyfriend who’d completely erased from the scene.
She’s 28 and I’m 30 and we’ve been together for a year, during which time she told me she was an English tutor – hence why she needed a decent set up for her online classes.
From reading some of the conversations, it looks like some of these men really believe they have a romantic connection with her.
She doesn’t just provide written messages, it’s voice notes, videos, and sometimes even live interactions.
It’s creepy and sinister and apart from anything I worry about her safety – but she insists she never reveals any geography – so she is safe.
She has told me to stop being so silly and says it’s an easy way to make good money.
She’s admitted she’s been doing this for five months and she says I need to ‘suck it up’ because she has no intention of putting a stop to it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your worries are legitimate. Even if ‘the girlfriend experience’ was genuinely harmless, she has not been honest with you about this work.
You can’t have a healthy relationship based on deceit.
Added to which, now that you do know and have expressed your concerns, she’s dismissing and belittling you.
There is no apology or willingness to change, compromise or make amends.
I’m afraid if she remains unbending, you have no choice but to leave this relationship.
It’s that or become completely downtrodden and unseen.
And that’s before I get on to the reality of ‘the girlfriend experience’ because many OnlyFans creators start on this level but quickly get drawn into making harder content.
Subscribers might be happy with messages to begin with, but inevitably if they’re going to keep paying, they start to ask for more.
Your girlfriend is clearly enjoying the extra income but seems to be blind to the real cost – her real relationship.
My support packs Looking After Your Relationship and Ending A Relationship will help you think about what is best for you.
Dear Deidre’s OnlyFans Files
Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with OnlyFans problems. One reader went off real life sex after signing up to OnlyFans; another from a different subscriber who struggled with the guilt even after a self-imposed ban, while one woman who created her account in secret.
OnlyFans – The Reality
It’s easy to understand the attraction of becoming an OnlyFans star; unlike the rest of the sex industry it seems performers can control their work, their image, their destiny.
Then there’s the money, which can be undeniably good.
Of course, lots of women who chose this way of life will talk about female empowerment, and I’d agree that anyone has the right to make their own choices, however there are some harsh realities that this narrative skims over.
The truth is no one who makes OnlyFans content can retain control. Once it is published or shared, it’s susceptible to being screen grabbed, recorded and posted to other adult sites.
There is simply no way to stop this.
The people paying for sexual gratification can develop a sense of entitlement over you. Some may even feel they own a piece of you. In their eyes you are a product.
I have received several emails from troubled men who have become obsessed with OnlyFans stars, convinced their business transactions are in fact the basis of a relationship.
There are people who research the public and private details of OnlyFans creators (called doxing) and then publish their findings making women extremely vulnerable.
Former content creators admit that while they start off with their own boundaries, the pressure to keep their subs (subscribers) willing to pay, pushes them to engage in extreme acts they previously would not have considered.
Once those videos and images are out there, there is no turning back time. So it’s worth considering how in the future neighbours, children or partners may react.
And finally, the money might be good, but I’m not sure that losing your family or security and privacy is a worthwhile price to pay.
If you have a worry you can email my team of counsellors on deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
By Sally Land, The Sun’s Agony Aunt.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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