My girlfriend gets me to roleplay as Gordon Ramsay in bed – now I think she’s sleeping with the lookalike local butcher

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DEAR DEIDRE: My girlfriend’s obsession with the sweary chef Gordon Ramsay is such a huge turn off but she keeps asking me to ‘be more Gordon’.

At first I hoped it would be a passing phase so I went along with her demands but now she’s started coming on to any man who in any way resembles the chef and I suspect she’s started an affair with our local butcher – who happens to be big, broad and ginger.

We always used to buy our meat from the supermarket but all of a sudden she’s started banging on about supporting local producers.

Now she goes into the butchers at least twice a week. I can see her from the car sometimes flirting like mad and him lapping it up.

All those classic tell-tale signs that someone is cheating are playing out before my eyes.

She’s so secretive with her phone, she often has to ‘work’ longer hours, she goes missing without explanation and our sex life has dropped off a cliff.

I’ve got no concrete evidence but I’m convinced the big butcher has something to do with it.

I’m 46 and she’s 48. We’ve been together for nine years but ever since she started this unhealthy interest, around two years ago I’ve felt unhappy.

I was managing to laugh it all off and although I found it a bit weird to begin with, now she’s taken her interest to a new level and I’m struggling to see the point of staying together.

From buying all his cook books, sending me on cookery courses, asking me to wear a chef’s white jacket and ‘be sweary’ in bed, it’s non-stop.

She’s even got a photo of him in our bedroom and shows no signs of letting up.

I started to tell her I didn’t want to play along with her fantasies any longer and that I was feeling unhappy.

Her response was that ‘I needed to be more manly – like Gordon’.

We had a great relationship together, we have two dogs, go on lots of holidays together and used to spend our weekends with family, friends or following our football team.

I feel so sad about losing all that but I don’t see how I can continue like this.

DEIDRE SAYS: Celebrity crushes are common, and mostly harmless, but your girlfriend’s fixation has become damaging and abusive even.

I’m sorry to be blunt but by completely dismissing your feelings she’s showing she doesn’t value you, or your relationship.

Gordon Ramsay is one version of being a man, but there are plenty of others. Whether someone is more, or less overtly assertive doesn’t make them any more, or less valid.

By constantly asking you to behave more like him, she was essentially saying she didn’t want the original you, the man she fell for. That she can’t see how hurtful her actions are is worrying.

You have no proof that she is cheating but you do know she is completely neglecting your relationship.

Talk to her about how you feel everything you built together is being undermined. Ask her to talk to you about any issues she has and explain how miserable you are.

Unless she wakes up to how poor her behaviour is and wants to make changes, then I’m afraid I agree with you. As hard as it will be, you do need to walk away, for your own sake.

My support packs Cheating Can You Get Over It and Ending A Relationship will help.

Dear Deidre’s Celebrity Obsessions

From harmless crushes to all-consuming fixations, celebrity obsession regularly surfaces in Deidre’s inbox.

One woman sent thousands of pounds to a man she believed was Jamie Oliver, only to realise she might have been scammed.

Another reader became convinced her favourite soap star was her soulmate, despite his relationship with someone else.

And a third woman’s obsession with ‘Dishy Rishi’ was causing friction with her boyfriend, threatening to drive them apart.

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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.

Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. 

Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.

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