DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband is an insane flirt but he’s gone too far this time by sleeping with the cleaner in our bed.
He works from home and I work in our local hospital. Last month I came home early because I was sick.
As soon as I walked in I knew there was something wrong. The cleaner’s shoes and coat were by the front door but she was nowhere to be seen.
Glancing at the clock, I saw she should have left two hours earlier.
There was a weird atmosphere in the house and when I called out to my husband, I heard muffled panic and fast movements upstairs.
The cleaner, a chirpy woman in her early 30s, came down the stairs in a proper state. She was clothed but very uncomfortable.
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She couldn’t look at me and when I asked her why she was still there, she muttered something about arriving late.
She couldn’t get out the door fast enough.
I was shaking with shock and after about 30 minutes realised my husband was not going to come down, so I went up.
He was sitting at his desk in the spare room, trying to be as casual as possible.
But I knew.
I started crying and asked him why he would do that to me – to us.
But he stuck to his story that nothing had happened – the cleaner arrived late, so left late. ‘That was all there was to know.’
It took another week of neither of us sleeping and the whole house being on egg shells before he finally admitted he’d been cheating for over six months.
I’m devastated. I’m in the spare room, as I can’t face sleeping in our bed, and we’re barely talking to each other.
My husband and I are both in our early 40s and our two daughters, who are still at primary school, are all over the place.
He’s admitted that he was getting really stressed about his business that was doing badly. He owes thousands and was trying to hide it all from me.
He has begged me to take him back and says he wasn’t in his right mind. He’s promised to go to counselling.
I don’t want to lose my family but I can’t risk being hurt again.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course you moved out of the marital bedroom. Without a new bed, mattress and sheets, I’m not sure many people would be able to contemplate sleeping in the same scene of a betrayal.
Your husband is blaming his infidelity on stress, and while people certainly make unwise decisions when they feel under overwhelming mental duress that doesn’t make his infidelity excusable.
You have so much to consider but for everyone’s long term welfare, please put your children’s wellbeing first.
They clearly understand and sense something is going very wrong in their family. They will be feeling very vulnerable as a result.
You don’t need to rush into any decisions and the best course is to feel settled and confident in your next steps.
It’s encouraging that he has offered to go to counselling. This will be key when it comes to unravelling how you can rebuild your relationship.
Whether you both attend couples therapy or go separately, whether you decide to pull together or separate, talking to someone outside of your situation should help you appreciate the unhealthy patterns that led you to this point and improve things.
My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more.
Another pack Solving Debt Problems explains where your husband can get practical help with his debts.
Dear Deidre’s Infidelity Issues
From hidden flings to messy betrayals, cheating stories regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One woman is involved in an intense affair with her child’s teacher, torn between the passion of a secret romance and maintaining her family life.
Another reader admits to repeatedly cheating on her loving boyfriend, compelled by a need for attention and desire, while living a seemingly normal relationship.
And a third man’s married double life came crashing down when his mother discovered he had been secretly paying for escorts.
PROFESSIONS MOST LIKELY TO CHEAT
Workplaces can often cultivate environments where long hours, travel and close relationships make affairs more likely.
Certain professions, particularly those involving intense pressure, late nights or frequent time away from home, are often linked to higher levels of workplace infidelity:
Sales and marketing professionals
Client entertaining, networking events and frequent travel can sometimes blur personal and professional boundaries.
Healthcare workers
Doctors, nurses and paramedics work long, intense shifts together, and can often form strong emotional bonds due to the stressful situations they endure together.
Trades and construction
A survey data from Ashley Madison found 29 per cent of male cheaters worked in trades, where shift work and irregular hours can make secrecy easier.
Pilots and cabin crew
The constant long periods away from home and international travel can create easy and tempting opportunities for short-term flings without any consequences.
Finance professionals
The high-pressure nature of the job and shared long hours in close office environments can foster intense workplace relationships between colleagues.
Hospitality staff
Working in bars, restaurants and hotels involve often late nights, social drinking and frequent interaction with new people that can make it easier to cross boundaries.
Teachers and academics
Spending long hours together on projects, research or extracurricular activities can lead to emotional closeness between colleagues that can sometimes cross the line.
The survey by Ashley Madison found around 12 per cent of women who admitted to cheating worked in education.
