A woman has revealed how she was left with conflicting feelings after her boyfriend left her a letter after taking his own life.
Elena Ricci, 29, from Birmingham was devastated when she lost her partner of six years, Chirag, 26, in July 2022.
Days after his death she received a letter in the post from Chirag – that he had sent before he passed away – with 101 things for her to do to help her live again.
50 of these were things they’d wanted to do today, while an extra 51 were ones he’d remembered Elena speaking about – including climbing Kilimanjaro, dyeing her hair blonde, going on a date and falling in love again.
Initially Elena was ‘angry’ at the letter and spent the next few years ‘sleep walking through life’ to get through her grief.
But now, nearly three years on, she has re-read the letter and has now decided to start trying to complete the things set out for her – calling it her ‘yes list’.
Elena, a content creator, said: ‘When I first read it I thought “what the hell is this?”.
‘At the beginning it was all anger and disbelief and the audacity to send me this. Now going through it again I still feel some anger but I’m grateful that he sent me that.
Elena Ricci from Birmingham felt ‘completely numb’ after losing her boyfriend in 2022
Elena Ricci and her partner of six years, Chirag – who left her a ‘yes list’ with 101 things to do to help her learn to live again (pictured together)
‘He probably knew I wouldn’t want to live anymore. I’m re-learning how to live. I’ve called it my yes list.’
Elena said that the letter from Chirag read: ‘I’m really sorry about what I have done but we already had 50 things we wanted to do together – I hope you’ll still do them. I added 50 more things I think you should do.’
Elena struggled initially to process her grief after losing Chirag suddenly.
She said: ‘I did feel completely numb. Every day felt like a dream for a while.
‘After the funeral I completely broke down. It hit me he was dead and never coming back. I was walking through life sleep walking, I didn’t want to face my grief.’
It was only this January that Elena decided to re-read Chirag’s letter – and saw he had told her to get grief therapy.
After having a few sessions she has started to face her loss and has now decided to try and slowly complete the things on the list.
So far she has ticked off ‘enjoying her birthday’ and aims to now dye her hair blonde and visit Stourhead, Wiltshire – where Pride and Prejudice was shot.
It was only in January this year that Elena was able to re-read the letter and start to think about ticking things off
Chirag had sent Elena a letter in the post, but she only received it after his death
Elena is pictured running the 2025 London Marathon – one of the items on her bucket list
Elena started by ticking off the task to enjoy her birthday on May 11, 2025 – going to the Ivy and the Yorkshire Dales with her friends, where they went hiking and to the sauna.
She said: ‘I enjoyed it for the first time in two years. Doing my birthday was something I did for other people because they know how much I used to enjoy it. This year I did it for myself.’
Some of the things on the list may take years to complete – such as buying a house – but Elena hopes to start making her way through some of the more manageable ones.
Chirag also listed going to Bali, climbing Kilimanjaro and taking a sabbatical.
Elena said some of the things on the list were things she had mentioned once years ago and she was surprised Chirag had remembered them.
She said: ‘I wanted to do something really big for my 30th like going to Thailand. I mentioned it when we first started dating. I don’t know how he remembered that.
‘There was also bungee jumping – I mentioned it as a joke. I’m terrified of heights. He’s also put on “go on a date” and “fall in love again” – but that’s for years time.’
Elena feels her therapy and the list has started to give her more ‘ups than downs’.
She says she’s finally started to have more ‘ups than downs’ but can’t think about dating again yet
Elena even managed to enjoy her birthday this year (pictured) and visited the Yorkshire Dales with her friends
Speaking about Chirag, she said: ‘He was the funniest person I have ever met. He was so kind. He was always ready to help others’
She hopes that speaking out will help others also going through grief
She said: ‘Life looks completely different – it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the life I have now. I don’t have to feel guilty about it.
‘Feeling guilty doesn’t bring people back from the dead.’
She also hopes that opening up about her grief journey will help others who have gone through similar circumstances.
She said: ‘We see death as a taboo. Everyone goes through it. It’s so important to talk about it even if it’s makes people uncomfortable.
‘The secrecy of it makes people unprepared to deal with it.’
Speaking about Chirag, she said: ‘He was the funniest person I have ever met. He was so kind. He was always ready to help others.’
You can contact Samaritans for free on 116 123, email them at jo@samaritans.org, or visit www.samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.
