The sketch is now in effect. PLEASE DO NOT VIOLATE IT!
How did you mark Dan Hannan Day? Big party, or quietly with close family? Tuesday was, for those blissfully unaware, the day identified by Conservatism’s Greatest Intellectual™ for an essay he wrote in the days before the 2016 referendum, setting out how Britain would mark its departure from the European Union each year with early evening fireworks and a sense of wonder about how easy Brexit had turned out to be.
For some reason, this piece — sample hostage to fortune “Terms were agreed easily enough” — has turned out to be much more quoted by opponents of Brexit than its supporters. The predictions somehow missed the two prime ministers forced out by Brexit, the endless parliamentary deadlock as MPs argued about what, actually, the vote had meant, and what Hannan now calls “the culture wars, the nastiness, the broken friendships”.
As for the booming economy that Hannan foresaw, with the UK leading a 22-state free trade area that includes the other countries to follow Britain out of Europe (Denmark, Ireland, the Netherlands), well it has not, as yet, materialised. Put it this way: there are absolutely no complaints that Dan Hannan Day has become too commercial.
Are we “the region’s foremost knowledge-based economy”? Hard to say. We might at least be its foremost grift-based economy. And the prediction that “as we left the EU, we straightened our backs” and became a confident nation once more, well, recollections may vary.
But of course British celebrations of these festivals always pale next to American efforts. In Washington, they really know how to mark Dan Hannan Day.
“CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE!” Donald Trump announced on social media, some time after midnight UK time. “There will be a Complete and Total CEASEFIRE,” he went on, “at which point the War will be considered, ENDED!”
How had the ending come about of what the president had decided “should be called, “THE 12 DAY WAR’”? Well, it’s a funny story, actually. “Israel & Iran came to me, almost simultaneously, and said, ‘PEACE!’ I knew the time was NOW.”
But was it? As dawn broke in Washington, there were hints that the ceasefire might not be, in fact, complete. Or total. “THE CEASEFIRE IS NOW IN EFFECT. PLEASE DO NOT VIOLATE IT! DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!” Trump’s sign-offs are an area of special delight. Often, he closes a post with “Thank you for your attention to this matter”, which makes it sound like he’s doing the conveyancing on your house sale.
Was all well with DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? It was hard to know. A couple of hours later, though, we got a clue. Or, as he would put it, a CLUE.
Speaking to journalists outside the White House, the president explained the situation: “There was one rocket that I guess was fired overboard after the time limit and now Israel is going out,” he said. “These guys have got to calm down.” And then he offered the most accurate geopolitical summary ever to leave his lips: “We basically have two countries that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.” Broadcasters were horrified and rushed to apologise, but honestly it’s the most human that Trump has sounded in decades.
It couldn’t last.
“ISRAEL. DO NOT DROP THOSE BOMBS,” the president announced, sounding like nothing so much as a stressed parent in the midst of a tense stand-off with a recalcitrant teenager. “IF YOU DO IT IS A MAJOR VIOLATION. BRING YOUR PILOTS HOME, NOW! DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES”
Whether it was this message, or a back-channel threat that if the bombing went ahead there would be no PlayStation for a week, DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES was soon able to announce what was, apparently, good news: “ISRAEL is not going to attack Iran. All planes will turn around and head home, while doing a friendly ‘Plane Wave’ to Iran.” What is a “friendly plane wave”? Is it one step short of a convivial missile launch?
Either way, the whole day had been a triumph. By teatime, DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES was self-effacingly repeating calls that he should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Although he was clear that this triumph — or even TRIUMPH — had been a team effort: “Both Israel and Iran wanted to stop the War, equally! It was my great honor to Destroy All Nuclear facilities & capability, and then, STOP THE WAR!”
As so often on any of our major festivals, there was a warm glow of confidence about the whole business. “The World, and the Middle East, are the real WINNERS! Both Nations will see tremendous LOVE, PEACE, AND PROSPERITY in their futures.” The perfect prediction with which to finish Dan Hannan Day.
