It was the first Monday in May: the time of year when I breathe a huge sigh of relief in my elasticated Primark joggers and thank the Lord I’m no longer a fashion editor.
I am talking, of course, about the annual Met Gala – fashion’s ‘biggest night out’, which is hosted in New York by Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour.
Last night’s theme was Superfine: Tailoring Black Style, which drew inspiration from the African-American fashion movement Black Dandyism.
Think bold ties, waistcoats and the high-waisted ‘Zoot suit’, which was first designed in Harlem in the 1930s.
Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, who hosts the evening, last night wore a custom Louis Vuitton silver gown
But even before celebrities began to ascend up the Met gallery’s steps last night, there was controversy.
Vogue writer and member of the Kennedy dynasty Jack Schlossberg announced he was boycotting the event because ‘it’s not the time for a party like that’. What exactly he meant was anyone’s guess.
Supermodel and Met Gala staple Naomi Campbell also wasn’t there to fall out of her shoes last night – reportedly because she’s fallen out with ‘Ice Queen’ Dame Anna.
Even Meghan – trying to burnish her fashionista credentials with her new digital shop – skipped the event amid rumours she and Harry dropped out at the last minute.
If only all the stars, in their monochrome monstrosities, had chosen to skip it, too.
We saw singer Sabrina Carpenter and model Hailey Bieber who forgot to wear anything on their bottom halves and White Lotus star Aimee Lou Wood in an Ahluwalia tuxedo that seemed to have been caught and ripped in her limousine door.
Sabrina Carpenter, in Louis Vuitton, evidently forgot to put anything on her bottom half for the event, writes Liz Jones
… and the same goes for Hailey Bieber, in a Saint Lauren tuxedo dress
Aimee Lou Wood appeared to have got her suit, by British label Ahluwalia, caught in the door of her limousine before making her entrance on the blue carpet
Of course, some outfits were impeccable – notably rapper Stormzy, wearing Tom Ford, and model Tyson Beckford, crisp and elegant in Ralph Lauren.
If you are a man and are ever invited to a black tie event, just copy their every detail.
Singer Dua Lipa proved why she’s the woman of the moment in black Chanel while actress Coco Jones showed a couture level of artistry in her Manish Malhotra.
Stormzy, on the other hand, looked, impeccable in a white shirt, waistcoat, black cummerbund and tailored trousers by Tom Ford
Model Tyson Beckford impressed in Ralph Lauren – and showed just how black tie should be done
Singer Dua Lipa, meanwhile, looked stunning in a dramatic beaded and feathered black gown by Chanel
A couture level of artistry was also on show such as in the Manish Malhotra outfit worn by actress and singer Coco Jones
Kendall Jenner in Torisheju, Anne Hathaway in Carolina Herrerra and ‘plus-size’ model Ashley Graham – who is a glorious advert for not taking Ozempic – were restrained and elegant.
They were my top three of the night, in fact.
On the whole – and inevitable, given the ‘dandy’ brief – the men fared better than the women.
Zendaya, who is usually the belle of this ball, disappointed in her Louis Vuitton tux and a floppy hat that obscured her lovely face.
Kendall Jenner looked the epitome of chic, in a grey skirt suit by Torisheju
Anne Hathaway chose a white button down and floor-length, beaded black and white skirt by Carolina Herrera
And Ashley Graham, a glorious advert for NOT taking Ozempic, rounded out Liz Jones’s top three of the evening
Demi Moore clearly took the black tie dress code literally, and wore an actual tie by Thom Browne. Madonna was wearing a Tom Ford tux that clearly belonged to a much taller person.
As for reality TV star Kim Kardashian (Chrome Hearts) and British actress Jodie-Turner Smith (Burberry), I can only hope they were not wearing real exotic skin.
Still, arguably, at least they made the effort. A newly-pregnant Rihanna, late to arrive, wore a Marc Jacobs jacket as a skirt while singer Alicia Keys was still in her duvet.
Zendaya, in an all-white suit and floppy hat from Louis Vuitton, proved disappointing
Also in Thom Browne was Demi Moore, who chose to wear an actual tie – potentially taking the theme a little too seriously
Madonna, in Tom Ford, looked to have borrowed someone else’s suit
Kim Kardashian wore a floor-length leather gown and matching fedora from Chrome Hearts
Jodie Turner-Smith, in Burberry, took a similar approach in her leather ensemble
Rihanna, pregnant for a third time, wore custom Marc Jacobs – and arrived late
Alicia Keys looked as if she was still in her duvet in the red pinstriped number by Moncler
I’m sorry, but faced with such a grotesque parade, I have to agree with Vogue’s boycotting correspondent. Given the state of the world today, wouldn’t it be more tasteful to cancel this outdated, environmentally unfriendly and wildly inappropriate shebang, and just donate the money directly to the Met?
Bar few exceptions such as Prada and Miu Miu, the luxury labels on show last night are seeing sales slip as low as Alicia Keys’ jacket.
And is it any wonder? This display of tone deaf, unwearable and even unwalkable clown suits will only make the rest of us recoil from high fashion. Take one look at rapper Andre 3000 who wore an actual [itals] piano on his back and you’ll see what I mean…
I can only imagine Meghan, safe in her cashmere and Hunter wellies over in Montecito, muttering to Harry: ‘Thank God we didn’t go…’
It seems fashion’s biggest night out has become fashion’s biggest nightmare.
Time for a trip to good old Marks & Spencer to find something sane to wear instead.
