BE very careful what you wish for because it might just come true – and where will we be then?
Everyone seems to be agreed that Sir Keir Starmer is the most useless Prime Minister since the title was invented. I wouldn’t disagree with that.
We all seem agreed, too, that it would be a damned fine idea if he could somehow be persuaded to stop being Prime Minister. If he just, you know, went.
Sure, I’ve got no great argument with that, either. Nor, frankly, has Labour.
The party is sitting on 14 points in the polls.
They are behind Reform UK and the Conservatives.
They are even well behind Zack Polanski’s band of gibbering loons, the Greens.
They are losing voters and indeed members to the Libs, the Greens and even The Jezbollah Fruitcake Alliance, otherwise known as The People’s Front of Judea, or “Your Party”.
They have already lost millions of voters to Reform. And they are probably losing a few more right now, among the floating voters, to the resurgent Conservatives.
Skewed to left
There’s a couple of hundred Labour MPs really angry with Starmer. They fear for their seats next time around, rightly. But as ever, they think the big problem with Starmer is that he is not left wing enough.
Yes, that’s right, comrades. That’s why the Government is performing so badly.
So, given this, who do they want to replace him?
Well, Wes Streeting thinks Wes Streeting should replace him. And he is not being shy about letting this be known.
Latest news is he’s going to form a partnership with Angela Rayner, the leftie who had to resign as deputy leader because she hadn’t paid the correct amount of stamp duty on her third home.
Wes wants Ange on board because the left wing of the Labour Party mistrusts Wes, but they love Ange.
They mistrust Wes because he sometimes says fairly sensible things. And the Left can’t abide that sort of stuff.
I’m also not convinced she’s, you know, that bright
Rod on Rayner
But here’s the thing. Streeting doesn’t stand a cat in hell’s chance of becoming leader.
Because the party is skewed to the left. And Rayner will be thinking to herself, “Why should I support that shiny-faced munchkin?”
She has much more support both in the parliamentary Labour Party and among the activists.
And so, it is Rayner, not Streeting, who is in the better position to challenge Starmer and win.
Now believe me, that would be bad enough. A government led by a woman who wanted to introduce legislation that would make it legal for someone to sue for unfair dismissal, if he or she had only been in the job for one day.
Starmer, rightly, kicked that into touch.
Rayner is also a big supporter of transgender rights. She said a year or so ago that “transgender womens’ rights are women’s rights”. Um, I don’t think so, Ange.
She was one of the first to bob down on one knee in support of Black Lives Matter.
She is vocal in calling her opponents in the Tory party “scum”.
She would be a far-left, deeply divisive Prime Minister.
I’m also not convinced she’s, you know, that bright. No offence intended, obvs. So that would be bad enough.
But there is one figure the Labour Party members — and the MPs — adore even more than Ange. And that’s the person who is most likely to become Labour leader — and hence Prime Minister.
Who is it? Well, he has a wind turbine nailed to his head and he can’t eat a bacon sandwich properly.
Yes, it’s Red Ed Miliband. And if you thought Starmer was bad and know that Rayner would be worse, here’s every sensible person’s nightmare made flesh.
He’s had a go at it before, of course. He was Labour leader between 2010 and 2015, having defeated his much sharper brother, David, in the leadership election.
Labour was expected to win the General Election in 2015. But Ed made a dog’s bollock of it and the Tories won instead.
Remember his “Edstone” — a large stone tablet with all of his stupid policies etched on to it? It became his tombstone.
But he’s back and is aching to have another shot at destroying the country.
He is the Government’s Energy Secretary.
He is the man responsible for imposing utterly pointless and unworkable energy-saving targets on the rest of us.
The people of this country are a lot less stupid than Labour MPs
Rod
Heat pumps that don’t work. Electric cars that need charging every five minutes. Ed loves all that stuff. The thing he hates is fossil fuels.
And this is why the UK has the highest energy prices in the western world.
It is an enormous burden on industry. Our businesses pay 63 per cent more for their energy than firms in France and 27 per cent more than in Germany. And it’s not much fun for the rest of us, either.
Freezing and broke
An Ed Miliband as leader would make the entire economy subservient to his almost religious fanaticism about Net Zero. Which is why the economy would stagnate and you’ll be freezing your arse off in winter and be broke at the same time.
Ed becoming Prime Minister is a very real possibility. He would never win a general election, of course.
The people of this country are a lot less stupid than Labour MPs and Labour activists.
But give the party a chance to vote for a new leader — and that is who you’d likely get.
The only other options are Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood, who would be an excellent choice, but enrages the lefties because she cares about immigration.
Oh, and the Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham — a decent politician, but he doesn’t have a seat in Parliament, so he can’t become PM.
And so you’re left with Ed v Ange. Left being the operative term. And with Mr Ed as the likely winner.
Sorry to depress you at this festive time of the year.
But the truth is that, godawful though Starmer is, and he truly is, the people lining up to replace him are much, much worse.
HEALTH Secretary Wes Streeting is to re-evaluate the definition of mental illness.
This is so that, in future, it encompasses all members of the Cabinet . . .
“In addition to ADHD and depressions, mental illness will now include the sudden, tragic, loss of one’s memory over where you actually live.
Plus an intense paranoia that the entire world is sexist rather than just having one or two doubts about your own personal ability to deliver a decent Budget.
Also, indecision and having the IQ of a Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference mince pie will henceforth be classed as mental illnesses.
“This means, instead of being nasty to Cabinet members, who cock things up, people will have sympathy for them.
And make them a nice cup of tea instead. Because they are ill, obvs,” Mr Streeting said.
Actually he didn’t, I made all that up. Instead he announced that the Government would be conducting research into whether feeling a bit down in the mouth really constituted mental illness.
I seem to remember that when the Tories suggested this, they were condemned by Labour as crypto fascist victim-blaming bullies, but there we are.
About time.
