First there was jam and there was no jam now the jam is back – but not just yet.
‘Everybody knows that jam is my jam,’ the Duchess of Sussex once said, but then she promptly got into a jam and ran out of jam.
If Tiptree ran its enterprise like this, it would be out of business before anyone could blow a raspberry. What company would not?
You have to wonder what the heck is going on over in Montecito where Harry and Meghan launch jams, pancake mixes, charity initiatives, legal actions, partnerships, big ideas, small concerns and random micro-aggressions with the abandon of confetti throwers at a confetti manufacturer’s wedding.
Everything appears to be in complete and utter chaos.
I’m not talking about the strange release of the twerking video this week, although that didn’t help. It just emphasised the witless thinking that propels this couple of gorms towards the spotlight.
They shriek about privacy while pushing themselves further on to the public stage, inserting their sorrowing mugs or cheesy grins into the narrative at national tragedy and triumph alike.
Laying flowers after the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, walking among American servicemen’s graves on Remembrance Sunday, offering advice and warnings following the killing of three young girls at a Taylor Swift-themed dance class in Southport?
Meghan shared a video of her dancing while heavily pregnant with Lilibet, despite constant pleas for privacy
These are the actions of a couple who are desperate to matter, writes Jan Moir
These are the actions of a couple who are desperate to matter, not a pair of bruised martyrs frantic to disappear into the perfumed ether of the American Riviera.
Given all this, I suppose we should be grateful that Meghan didn’t livestream the actual labour, including shots of her sprinkling petals on the afterbirth. Too much information? Stop it, because at least now she knows how we feel.
Please stop invading our privacy, Meghan and Harry!
Surely what flabbers the average gast is how the Sussexes imagined people would react to the delivery room twerk footage. Did they think that millions of us would fondly say, ‘OMG, they are so fun, down to earth and relatable – I think I love them both’. Dream on.
It will soon be five years since Harry and Meghan fled to America because they felt tyrannised by royal life – and we are clearly now twerking towards a point of crisis.
For there seems to be no joined- up thinking in Sussexland; no clear PR strategy, no set goals to accomplish, no policy to implement, nothing real or tangible with which to impress.
And clearly, no one to give them good advice – or more likely, no one that they will listen to.
Consider the calamities of recent years. Trademarks fail to be trademarked, commercial launches have been fluffed and then relaunched, impetus is squandered and progress is slow.
The video was posted in celebration of Lilibet’s fourth birthday
Prince Harry joins in and dances across the screen in the video
Prince Harry can’t get on with his new life because he’s still stuck in the amber of his old one, a furious fossil burning with grudge and rage. Meghan doesn’t seem to understand even the most basic rules of commerce, such as how supply and demand work.
Or how many actual jars of jam a famous, quasi-royal mother-of-two can make in her own kitchen from her own berry crop while attending Beyonce concerts, visiting Colombia, playing mahjong with her celebrity galpals, being globally celebrated for her ‘vision’ and frequenting awards ceremonies to accept yet another fatuous accolade for doing nothing very much. Such as the Raspberry Ripple of Hope Award for Global Jampreneurs presented to her by Mr B. Lou Berry and HRH Ma’am Alade earlier this year.
Of course, none of it matters. It’s all performative.
The ultimate goal is not customer satisfaction or a respected foothold in the marketplace or even a good set on her roast rasp. It is all a nonsense; a thin spread of marketing, a fruity scaffold to support the real money-making business – the Netflix TV series.
Meanwhile, what is happening over at Archewell, the ethical cornerstone of the Sussexian world, the place where the couple foghorn their mission statements and latest projects to rule and improve the world?
The last posting on the site dates from a month ago, one of their typical word salads to celebrate the Take It Down Act, a new and important law in America which forces host websites to remove revenge porn and deepfake porn images from their databases within 48 hours.
‘We are grateful for the hard work of young people, parents, and activists, and congratulate them on the resulting work from leaders on all sides of the aisle to protect teens and children,’ say Archewell, a response that drips with the patrician benediction of those who really want to congratulate themselves. Even though they had nothing to do with the legislation.
Republican Senator Ted Cruz is the hero behind the bill, while President Trump signed it into law last month. No mention of them anywhere, you can bet on it.
Elsewhere, Harry’s Invictus charity flourishes, but he has resigned from his African charity Sentebale amid bullying accusations (described by a source close to the former trustees of the charity as ‘completely baseless’).
Meghan’s 40×40 support network – asking people to ‘donate 40 minutes’ to help women return to the workplace – seems to have fizzled into nothing. The much-vaunted Parents’ Network – launched on Meghan’s birthday last year to offer ‘collective healing to bereaved parents’ seems to have done little except open a memorial garden.
Perhaps that is enough? Hmmm. My feeling is that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are completely lost in the bubble of their own pomposity, still insisting that everyone must be impressed with them and so-called good works.
Yet the lack of transparency and impact are becoming increasingly hard to ignore as Harry and Meghan surge towards the spotlight again and again.
Twerking in a delivery room? It induced a lot more than imminent birth, let me tell you. And none of it good.
No fry-up on the menu for Kendall
Kendall Jenner has shared the recipe for her 200-calorie breakfast
You don’t get to be a supermodel by eating Frosties and fry-ups every morning, more’s the pity.
Kendall Jenner has shared the secrets of her 200-calorie breakfast with her Instagram followers, revealing a complicated plate of raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, matcha green tea powder, nuts and yogurt. She washes it down with a golden milk latte, which is a coffee spiced with turmeric, also known as a moon milk.
It all sounds like something a very demanding squirrel would dine on, but Kendall is a size 6, 5ft 9in glamazon, so she must be doing some-thing right.
Are you sitting comfortably?
Theatre owner Dame Rosemary Squire believes audiences have suffered enough and that plays should not exceed two and a half hours. Hear, hear.
Particularly as many theatres were built in the Victorian and Edwardian eras – for people who were smaller and unaware of the future comforts that could be provided by polyurethane foam and ample leg room.
Sitting in the stalls in one of these theatres often feels like being a balloon trying to fold itself into a matchbox.
I felt this keenly when seeing Brian Cox bawling away in A Long Day’s Journey Into Night at the Wyndham’s Theatre in London last year. This Eugene O’Neill classic was 190 minutes long, plus an interval, total torture. If the grim storyline didn’t depress you then the stall seats would – in more ways than one.
Robert Icke’s production of Oedipus at the same theatre had a better idea. Two hours, no interval, suspension mounting every second. It made my spine tingle – not crinkle.
More like this, please.
Greta’s noble flotilla will not help
Greta Thunberg is part of the crew headed to Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid
Greta Thunberg is sailing into Gaza because she doesn’t want the world to forget about Palestine. Very noble of her, but there seems little chance of that happening when the ongoing war continues to dominate news coverage around the globe.
What does get forgotten, however, is the number of Israeli hostages still being held by Hamas – 56 at the last count. What about their terrible fate?
Another two were found dead by IDF soldiers this week and Hamas’s reluctance to set the rest free is one of the reasons why this godforsaken war rumbles on.
I hope Greta has packed some aid in her little boat for these poor hostages, too – but somehow, I doubt it.
Yesterday the IDF were poised to block the Madleen, the vessel carrying Greta and her chums, from sailing any closer to Gaza – no doubt to the relief of everyone on board. For this is not a protest it is a performance by privileged activists making a great, big show of themselves.
Thunberg’s so-called ‘freedom flotilla’ is carrying very little in the way of actual aid and encapsulates the delusion and hypocrisy surrounding the Israel-Gaza war.
Theirs is not a real solution. It just makes Greta & Co feel good about themselves. Empty protests such as this will not fix the world.
Should we follow some European countries and ban the burka? I would love nothing more. It is a misogynistic piece of clothing which demeans women and puts the burden and responsibility of an ancient culture on to women and women alone.
I respect that some women may wish to wear one as part of their religious beliefs but is there really a place for such a restrictive medieval garment in a modern Western country like ours?
It is something we need to talk about – but our lily-livered Prime Minister won’t comment on the issue. ‘I’m not going to go down that line,’ blustered Keir Starmer this week. Pathetic.
Hedge your bets, Camilla!
Queen Camilla meets two people dressed as hedges during the Big Lunch at Eden Dock in London’s Canary Wharf
The Royals must shake hands with all sorts of people in the course of their daily business, but saying hello to a hedge was a first for Queen Camilla.
Hedge funders? Yes.
Actual hedges? No.
‘Can you see?’ she gamely asked two ‘Moss People’ at a new ‘vibrant, biodiverse space’ in London created by the Eden Project.
The dumb creatures shook their mossy heads because they can only converse in mossy speak, a language that few understand.
Is St Kate of Moss their patron? If not, she certainly should be.
