Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been together for 40 years. We’ve had a loving, healthy marriage and are best friends. We told each other everything – or so I thought.
When I was running errands recently, I discovered he had been keeping a secret and it has completely changed the way I see him.
I was picking up my prescriptions from the pharmacy and decided to do my husband a favor by picking up his too. But there was a new medication lumped in with his usual regimen: Sildenafil
In other words, Viagra.
The problem is, we haven’t been intimate in months due to my own health, so what could he possibly need that medication for?
My mind immediately went to an affair.
I’m heartbroken. The man I saw as my best friend is seemingly betraying me. But I’m torn about what to do. I haven’t brought it up and I haven’t given him the prescription.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
I don’t want to lose my lifelong companion, but I also don’t think I can sleep next to someone who is lying to my face.
Do I confront him and ask for a divorce? Or do I ignore it for the sake of my marriage?
Sincerely,
Bitter pill
Dear Bitter pill,
As hard as it is to discover something we didn’t know about, the harder part is when we jump to conclusions.
The truth is, you don’t know what’s going on, and won’t know until you talk to your husband.
You might be right in your assumptions, but whether your husband is having an affair, or whether he just decided to try Viagra to see what it would do, you need to talk to him.
I want to say something about infidelity which isn’t always popular. It doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.
I have watched couples with long histories – who love each other and have children and shared families – move through infidelity to find forgiveness. As extraordinary as this may sound, their marriage is even stronger than it was before.
I say this only because, if you are right and your husband is having an affair, I don’t believe it automatically means you have to leave.
You haven’t yet confronted him and it’s time you did. You certainly can’t ignore it. You have already decided what it must mean and that resentment is going to eat you up inside.
Even if you manage to stay together without you confronting him, your behavior towards him will change and no good will come of it. But, please don’t confront him and ask for a divorce.
Rather, produce the medicine, then ask him questions and ask him to respect you enough to tell you the truth. Only then can you make an informed decision. Take your time and decide what’s best for you.
Dear Jane,
I’ve been at my company for years and have been recently working tirelessly to secure a promotion and raise.
I’ve been staying late, putting in extra hours and going above and beyond to ensure my boss sees how dedicated I am.
But I might have derailed my chances at a recent company happy hour.
My team went out for drinks and, at one point, it was just me and my boss at the bar.
He had a few too many and seemed to be almost flirting with me. I tried to change the subject but he wasn’t reading the room and made an explicit pass at me.
Thankfully, my other coworkers returned in that moment and I was able to excuse myself and leave.
The next day at work, he acted as if it nothing had happened – or, perhaps, he just didn’t remember.
But I remember and I feel uncomfortable working with him now.
I feel like the only way to move forward is to report the incident or have a conversation with him about it and set boundaries. However, I’m afraid that, if I do, it will completely ruin my chances of moving up in the company.
Do I ignore it, or say something and risk the promotion?
Sincerely,
Workplace woes
Dear Workplace woes,
It doesn’t sounds like you have derailed your chances. It sounds as if your boss had far too much to drink, acted inappropriately and immediately realized he had made a mistake – hence acting as if everything was completely normal the next day.
Perhaps you’re right, he didn’t remember, or, perhaps he realized how wrong his behavior was and decided to put it down to the drink and move on.
Of course, an apology is always preferable.
But, the fact that he is behaving as normal and isn’t penalizing you somehow for rejecting his advances – a far more difficult situation – tells me that he has moved on and you need to do the same.
We have all made mistakes when we’ve had too much to drink.
I am afraid I don’t agree that the only way to move forward it to report the incident or set boundaries.
His behavior since then has been entirely appropriate and bringing it up might have the unintended consequence of making things awkward.
This is not to say his behavior is right, but it sounds like either he doesn’t remember or he’s mortified and has chosen to act as if it didn’t happen.
If you do decide that you have to confront him, I’m not sure boundaries need to be set.
Saying what he did at the team drinks and telling him you have been feeling uncomfortable ever since, should be enough.
And you may get the apology you deserve.
