DEAR DEIDRE: I’ve talked my wife into us planning a threesome with another woman – and meanwhile have persuaded my lover that we could do similar.
But instead, I’m secretly wondering if I could get away with just a threesome involving my wife and lover, as neither knows the other.
My wife and I are in our late thirties and don’t have or want kids. We’ve been married for five years.
I’ve always been adventurous in the bedroom, which my wife accepts.
We’ve done it outdoors, using sex toys and with mild S&M.
But over the past couple of years I’ve found that sex with her, although good, no longer fulfils me.
I’ve realised I’m not built to be monogamous, and I’ve missed sex with other women. So I got myself a mistress, who’s 28.
But I love my wife and have no intention of leaving her. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, right?
Recently, though, I’ve also been fantasising a lot about a threesome.
The idea of seeing my wife or lover having sex with another woman is as thrilling as the idea of being intimate with two women at the same time.
My girlfriend said she was up for it.
Next, I broached the idea with my wife and, to my surprise, she said she’d try it.
Then it hit me: I could have this threesome with the two of them together — both the women I care about and fancy the pants off.
They’d never know. It’s the ultimate turn-on and all I think about.
While my girlfriend knows I’m married, she doesn’t know anything about my wife. And my wife doesn’t even know my girlfriend exists.
Am I playing with fire?
DEIDRE SAYS: No, you’re playing with a bomb with a lit fuse. You’ve let sexual fantasies cloud your judgment.
Worse, you’re behaving selfishly and planning to use the women you profess to love as sexual playthings for your own fulfilment, while keeping them in the dark.
Your wife may have agreed to sex with a third party. But she hasn’t consented to sex with your mistress – a mistress who she isn’t even aware exists.
Women aren’t stupid. And they talk.
You’re just a few minutes of pillow talk away from blowing up both your marriage and affair. Some fantasies are meant to stay as such, not become reality.
My support packs Sexual Fantasies And You, and Thinking Of A Threesome? may help.
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
CRAVING ORAL BUT HUSBAND RESISTS
DEAR DEIDRE: Although I often give my husband oral sex, he never volunteers to return the favour, and it’s the only way I can orgasm.
The fact he won’t do it makes me feel rejected and like he doesn’t care about my pleasure – only his.
We’ve been married for ten years and are aged in our mid-thirties.
Previous partners were only too happy to oblige my desire for oral, and one of them couldn’t get enough of it because he saw how much I enjoyed it.
My marriage is good apart from this. But it’s starting to play on my mind and is putting me off sex altogether.
I tried saying something, but my husband just said he’s not bothered if I don’t want to give him oral sex either.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Oral sex is now a mainstream sexual activity, but some people are squeamish about it.
Others have even been brought up to view it as wrong.
While you should never make anyone do something they are uncomfortable with, it’s a great shame that you’re missing out on sexual pleasure.
Talk to your husband again. If he really doesn’t want to try, then perhaps you can ask if he’ll try other ways to bring you to orgasm, perhaps using sex toys.
My support pack, Tensions Over Oral Sex, may help you.
DAUGHTER SEES MY SIS AS MUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I AGREED to my daughter moving in with my older sister for a while because I had some mental health problems. I thought it was for the best.
She’s now back living with me, but my sister is still acting like her mum.
I had my daughter when I was 20. I’m now 32.
I found it hard to cope, so when my daughter was two, my sister – who is ten years older than me – suggested she move in with her and her partner.
A decade on, and my daughter is back with me full-time. I’ve sorted myself out, have a good job and a nice flat.
I knew it would take time to rebuild our relationship, after years of only seeing her for a few hours at a time. But I didn’t expect that my sister would interfere this much.
She wants to have a say in everything – what my daughter wears, what she eats, what activities she gets involved in. My daughter loves gymnastics and so I agreed to sign her up to a local club, only to discover my sister had already done it.
Worse, my daughter listens to her aunt, not to me, when we have a disagreement. My best friend warned me she might try to adopt her, and I’m really worried. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It must be hard for your sister to relinquish the responsibility she had for your daughter for so long. And hard for your daughter to see you, not her aunt, as her mother figure.
Talk to your sister and tell her how you feel. But rather than making an enemy of her, tell her you’re grateful for what she’s done and you want to work together with her to improve the bond with your daughter.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, might help you to have this conversation.
For more advice, contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).
I’M MARRIED MAN LONGING IN SECRET TO BE A WOMAN
DEAR DEIDRE: All my life I have felt more comfortable wearing women’s clothes – but I’ve never dared tell anyone.
I’m now in my sixties and the need to dress up grows ever stronger.
Sometimes, I even dream of having a woman’s body.
I’m married, but my wife isn’t interested in sex any more.
I get my satisfaction by secretly putting on dresses, make-up and women’s underwear.
Of course, she has no idea and would be horrified.
The first time I did it, I was just 11. I feel so much more myself than I do in men’s clothes. What I’d really like is to have breasts – and be open about my feelings. I don’t want to go to the grave having lived a lie.
I know it’s not something I should be ashamed of, but no one would understand.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s sad you’ve felt you’ve needed to keep all this secret for so long.
Attitudes to cross-dressing and transgenderism have changed, and you might find it liberating to express your true self in public.
It’s possible your wife suspects. But if she has no idea, springing this on her could cause problems in your marriage.
Contact beaumontsociety.org.uk (01582 412 220), run by the transgender community, to talk to someone who understands.
Also, read my support pack, Cross-Dressing Support.
