DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-husband and I have got back together after a decade apart. I should be happy, but instead I feel resentful and used. Does he just want me for sex?
We met in our 20s and married within a year. We’re opposites. He’s the “life and soul”, I’m shy and introverted. But we made a good team.
In bed, we were fantastic too. He was my first partner and taught me everything about sex.
He’s an estate agent and over time I started to feel unloved as he spent the majority of evenings and weekends doing viewings while I was home with our kids. I became paranoid and jealous and basically scared him away.
We split up but managed a good co-parenting relationship. We both dated other people, but always loved each other.
Last year, when we turned 50, he took me for dinner and asked if I’d consider trying again. I agreed.
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We went to a hotel and made love all night. Lying in his arms, I felt everything was going to be OK.
However, it’s not working out as I hoped.
My parents are both in their 80s now and I have to help them with everything. I’m at their house every day. When I come home, all the cooking and cleaning has been left to me.
My husband waltzes in after work and expects me to be in the mood for sex.
It’s like everyone wants something from me. My husband feels like we are on our second honeymoon, but I’m in my 50s, probably menopausal, and don’t have the libido I had 30 years ago.
I know he’s disappointed and that only makes me feel worse.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s possible that this relationship is more about nostalgia for the past, rather than the people you are today.
But the only way to discover that is by being honest with each other.
If you’re under pressure to care for your parents, your husband needs to know how you’re feeling and how he can help you.
He is excited to have you back and clearly thrilled to have reconnected physically, but he must show his love in thoughtful, practical ways if he wants your marriage to work.
Talk to the council about local care available for your parents. And be honest with your GP about how stressed and overwhelmed you’re feeling.
Your main concern must be your own health and well-being. You are doing an amazing job in caring for your parents.
Now it’s time to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you show everyone else.
ONLYFANS CHATS ARE INNOCENT
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having long chats with an OnlyFans creator and I’m scared my girlfriend will go nuts if she finds out.
I’m 34 and my girlfriend is 36. The OnlyFans creator is 28.
She’s absolutely stunning. In fact, I started chatting to her because she reminded me of my girlfriend. They’ve both got long black hair, blue eyes and a lovely body.
I started chatting to her one evening a few months ago. My girlfriend was away with friends and I was bored, so I started scrolling through the site.
This creator caught my eye and I watched all her free content. She dances in her bedroom in lingerie. She’s a great dancer and I couldn’t tear my eyes away as she moved.
Then I sent her some messages.
It’s all been innocent. We haven’t talked about sex at all.
Over the course of our chats, the creator revealed that she’s having a really hard time. Her boyfriend is in prison and she’s struggling to afford everything for their child. That’s why she’s making content.
I’ve been sending her messages of support and trying to keep her spirits up. Since my girlfriend’s been back at home, I’ve been messaging my OnlyFans friend while I’m at work, in my car or in the bathroom.
Sometimes I message her when my girlfriend’s asleep.
Like I said, it’s innocent. But I still don’t feel my girlfriend will trust me if I tell her I’ve been messaging a sexy, younger woman.
I hate lying to my girlfriend so what should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: The longer this goes on, the more chances your girlfriend will discover your secret.
I’m sorry to burst your bubble but this online relationship is not “innocent”. This woman is creating content to make money and is building a connection with you purely with profit in mind.
You may not have sent sexual messages, or met in real life, but can you honestly argue that being friendly with someone who you watch dance barely clothed in her bedroom is the behaviour of a faithful boyfriend?
Imagine for a moment your girlfriend was exchanging similar messages with a man, would you be willing to see that as “innocent”?
Do the right thing and stop messaging this creator, or finish with your girlfriend if you can’t stop straying.
My support pack, Can’t Be Faithful, explains more.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: IS it weird that, whenever I see a woman for the first time, my first thought is whether or not I want to sleep with her?
I’m married and I love my wife. We’ve been together for 17 years and are both 42. We’ve got three kids. But even though I’m married, I still fantasise about sleeping with other people.
Even more complicated is the fact that the woman I fantasise about most is my wife’s best friend.
I’ve had a huge crush on her from the start. Even though I love my wife, I still imagine what life with her friend would be like. I think she likes me too.
My wife’s never had a very high libido, and she’s not very affectionate physically. That might be why I end up dreaming about other women. I’m a very touchy-feely person, and sometimes I feel lonely.
I wish my fantasies were exclusively about my wife, not these other women.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s normal to fantasise about other people, even when you’re in a relationship. These thoughts don’t necessarily mean that you would be happier with someone else.
However, you also say that you’re not sexually satisfied in your marriage. If your wife’s sex drive is much lower than yours and she’s not as affectionate as you, I can see how you might start thinking what life would be like with someone else.
You think her best friend might return your feelings – but pursuing her would only lead to much more upset.
You’re not being unreasonable by telling your partner how important sex is to you. Be honest that you need more physical affection, and decide together how you might be able to improve that side of your marriage.
Make it clear that this is about you feeling connected and wanted.
Sex and relationship counselling can be very useful – either as a couple, to work through your issues, or by yourself to decide where you’d like to go next.
The College Of Sex And Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can help you find a reputable practitioner.
I SENSE GHOSTLY PRESENCE IN MY HOUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEEL like my house is haunted. Do you know how I can get rid of these spirits?
It’s an old cottage by a graveyard. I moved in four years ago and immediately felt a presence.
The small bedroom upstairs never gets warm, even though I have heaters on full blast. And my dog refuses to come upstairs.
One morning, I came downstairs to find every cupboard in my kitchen wide open, and all my cutlery all over the floor. Since then, it’s got worse. The TV often changes channels by itself, and there’s often a smell of perfume in the hall.
I’ve woken up to a shadowy figure in the corner of my room before now.
I’ve tried garlic and sage but nothing is helping.
DEIDRE SAYS: How spooky – I understand why you’re anxious.
While many people don’t believe in ghosts, there are plenty of people who will help you look into these phenomena.
Contact the UK Paranormal Society (ukparanormalsociety.org). It will be able to advise you on your next best steps. Good luck.
ENGAGED TO THE WRONG SISTER
DEAR DEIDRE: I MIGHT be engaged to the wrong sister.
My fiancée and I have been dating for two years. She’s always wanted marriage. I decided I’d propose on a holiday with her family over Christmas, and planned to do it on New Year’s Eve.
But over the holiday, I fell for her little sister. She’s 25 like me (my fiancée is 29) and she’s more fun.
By the time New Year’s Eve arrived, I was having second thoughts.
Now we’re planning the wedding but I’m not sure.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t go ahead if you have any doubts.
You feel you’re in love with her sister but you don’t have proof she shares your feelings. Added to which it would be hugely unfair to mislead your fiancée.
It’s time to be honest and explain you are having a wobble. Ask if you can slow things down, while you work your doubts through.
Relationship counselling would help and my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.
