One of the cruellest things about relationship trouble is that it’s often invisible to the people inside it – but painfully obvious to everyone else.
Friends exchange looks. Family tread carefully. Meanwhile, you’re busy explaining it away: ‘We’re just tired.’ ‘It’s a phase.’ ‘Every couple goes through this.’
They do.
But some ‘phases’ are warning signs – and when you’re emotionally invested, your brain becomes good at minimising, normalising and rationalising things you’d instantly flag in someone else’s relationship.
These are the warning signs others see first – the blind spots that are hard to see when you’re in the thick of it.
Tracey Cox reveals the five warning signs in your relationship all your friends and family are secretly talking about and you’re oblivious to
You’re keeping a relationship scorecard
What your friends see: ‘Every time we go out, one of them brings up something the other did to them years ago. It’s like they keep a tally of who did what when to see who’s winning. Nothing is ever forgiven or forgotten about. If we say anything, their answer is always that they’re playing around. But there’s nothing playful about it.’
What’s going on: In healthy relationships, couples talk about the good times and remind each other of the nice things they’ve done to make the other happy. This sets up a cycle of positive reinforcement: Aren’t we wonderful together and to each other!
Keeping score of wrongdoings is an excellent way of making sure that pile of guilt and bitterness from the past never disappears. It’s never harmless fun. Not for you and not for the friends who cringe with embarrassment every time you do it.
Stop it: If you’re still talking about something that happened years ago, you haven’t dealt with the issue. Talk honestly about why it hurt you so much and make a new pact to only bring up good things from the past.
You roll your eyes behind each other’s back
What your friends see: ‘My friend insisted all was well, but I noticed that every time her husband made a joke, she’d catch my eye and roll her eyes. It said, “See what I have to put up with? He’s an idiot”. They split six months later.’
Some ‘phases’ like rolling your eyes and being jealous are warning signs for deeper problems in the relationship (stock image)
What’s going on: It might seem trivial but constantly rolling your eyes is one of the most damaging things you can do in a relationship.
World-famous researchers, John and Julie Gottman, studied thousands of couples over several decades to identify four behaviours that predict divorce – and were right around 94 per cent of the time.
Of all the four behaviours – the other three being criticism, being defensive and stonewalling (refusing to talk or engage) – contempt was the strongest predictor of divorce.
And that innocent roll of the eyes is a classic sign of it.
Eye rolling sends a toxic message: ‘I’m above you.’ It’s a flashing red light that the relationship is in trouble.
Couples can argue a lot and still stay together. What they can’t survive is one partner constantly signalling that the other is stupid, ridiculous or beneath them.
Stop it: If you notice contempt creeping in, it’s a sign of unaddressed resentment – something needs talking about. If your partner does something that irritates the hell out of you, talk to them about it rather than mock them silently.
There’s jealousy that seems unwarranted
What your friends see: ‘We stopped invited them to anything that involved people other than just us. No matter what the men looked like, her partner would watch her like a hawk. Standing too close, talking for too long, smiling across the room at someone – he’d interpret anything she did as “flirting”. She insisted it was because he “loved her so much and had been hurt”. Rubbish! We had a big party for her when she ended it – she could finally relax and enjoy herself.’
What’s going on: As a person who used to be extremely jealous, ruining many potentially good relationships (thanks Dad for having that 10-year affair), I can vouch that this emotion is not a healthy one.
Your partner feels constantly on edge – scared to focus too long on any attractive person; you’re on high alert, body coursing with stress hormones, looking for any potential sign of attraction between them and someone else.
It’s miserable on both sides – and friends frequently bear witness to it or are asked to weigh in on the ‘did she/he do something wrong or not’ argument.
Stop it: Being jealous doesn’t prove you love someone. It means you’re insecure and want to control their behaviour to make yourself feel better. If you struggle to control jealous feelings and have done for years, get some therapy. A good therapist can help a lot (it certainly worked for me).
You don’t laugh together anymore
What your friends see: ‘They used to be the most fun couple we’ve ever hung out with. We’d always have the biggest laughs with them. They kept on laughing – but not together. If one laughed at something, the other didn’t. If the other one laughed, the other stayed silent. There was an undercurrent of rebellion going on that they didn’t want us to see.
‘Turned out something big and bad happened that they didn’t want friends to know. It broke them anyway.’
What’s going on: Shared humour is one of the strongest markers of relationship health. When couples stop laughing together – not just at jokes but at life – the closeness quietly drains away.
Friends see jokes fall flat. There’s no teasing or warmth. Conversations seem practical, never personal. Smiles are aimed at others but not each other.
Laughter matters more than we realise. It shows you’re on the same page, that you like each other and there’s an ‘us against the world’ feeling between you.
Sure, there are times when life gets serious and you feel anything but light-hearted. But if you’re still managing a smile with friends, colleagues, your kids and while watching silly reels on your phone, pay attention.
Stop it: Your relationship has run out of goodwill. As a rule of thumb, aim for a 5:1 ratio of good times to bad times. Have an honest chat about what’s making you feel emotionally disconnected then plan enjoyable activities to lift you out of the rut.
You don’t seem yourselves
What friends see: ‘She seemed smaller somehow. Less confident, less expressive, less herself. She was always outspoken but suddenly cautious about saying anything. Worried she’d rock the boat over things that really weren’t that important. She never admitted just how controlling he’d been, but we saw the effect of it.’
What’s going on: Troubled relationships don’t usually crush us overnight. They shrink us gradually. You start unconsciously editing yourself to avoid causing arguments. If your partner sighs when you speak, jokes at your expense or never seems interested in what you have to say, you speak less, risk less and shine less. Become quieter, nicer, more accommodating.
This doesn’t fix the relationship – it just alerts others to how much you’re now doubting yourself.
Stop it: Ask yourself this question: ‘Am I becoming more myself in this relationship – or less?’ The right relationship should make all the great qualities people love about you seem bigger and better than before. You should seem happier, more confident, calmer, more loved.
Ask your best, most trusted friend for a brutally honest answer to this question: Is it time to leave this person?
Then take their advice.
Tracey’s podcast, SexTok, comes out each Wednesday. Listen wherever you listen to your podcasts. Follow her on Instagram @traceycoxauthor.
