My daughter has asked me to look after my grandchild for two weeks over the holiday break, so that she can work and not pay for a camp.
My grandson is 13 and I love him, and of course I am happy to host him and look after him, but now my daughter – concerned that he might be bored – has asked if his friend can also join him.
There is room in the house, but suddenly what could have been a nice bonding experience with my grandson has been hijacked.
I am thinking of asking her to pay me for essentially working as a childminder for her and her friend’s son. Should I? Jaqueline, via email.
I can understand why if feels disappointing now that the plan has shifted, says Vicky Reynal
Vicky Reynal, money psychotherapist, replies: Not every grandmother would be willing to host their grandson for two weeks – this speaks to your generosity and willingness to support your family.
I can understand why if feels disappointing now that the plan has shifted in a way that makes it feel more like work than a pleasure.
Not only is the quality time you envisioned compromised, but you are now also responsible for a second teenager.
When emotional expectations change, especially around money and time, it’s not unusual to feel conflicted.
You’re not being selfish or unreasonable for pausing to ask: ‘What am I really agreeing to?’
Now that the request has been made you might feel like you are now stuck between a rock and a hard place, either disappointing your grandson or having to sacrifice something you value.
Could there be benefits to you from his friend coming?
Start by revisiting what you were emotionally hoping for from this visit. You imagined special time with your grandson. Now, with a friend added in, that picture has changed.
While on the one hand it might leave less room for ‘quality time’, are there benefits? He might enjoy the time with his friend and you and want to come back again to visit you in the future having created happy memories during his stay.
Ask yourself whether the quality time you envisioned with him was completely realistic or slightly idealised? Is it possible that he might have been bored or on his phone most of the time with some sporadic (but still lovely and valuable) engagement with you?
Ask yourself whether the quality time you envisioned with him was completely realistic or slightly idealised, Vicky writes
If you do agree to his friend coming, are there still ways to carve out meaningful one-on-one time with your grandson?
Maybe you can have a conversation with your grandson explaining that you were looking forward to having some one-to-one time and that you’ll agree to his friend coming, as long as the two of you get to have a one hour a day of time together.
Maybe go for a walk and a chat or take him out for ice cream.
Then there’s the practical side: are you comfortable taking responsibility for another child, especially one you may not know well? You might want to ask your daughter more information about him.
If that’s not an issue, then you can think about how money can in this case stand in as an acknowledgement of both the cost and effort involved in hosting two teenage boys.
I don’t think that simply saying yes and asking for money is the right strategy because money will not address your feelings of disappointment and maybe even anger.
Work out what it means to you financially
Financially, too, it’s worth considering where the lines are for you. You may be happy to host your grandson at your own expense – but two teenage boys can become costly.
What feels right is different from person to person. But I think it’s helpful to think of four elements in this case: the cost of hosting your grandson, the cost of hosting his friend and then, for each, whether and how much you’d expect to receive as childcare costs.
It could be that you’d be happy to cover the costs of hosting your grandson and are willing to look after him for free, but two voracious teenage boys can rack up quite the food bill.
Rather than let quiet frustration build, as the cost and effort quietly mount, think about an arrangement that would make things feel more balanced.
If you are uncomfortable asking for childcare money, would you consider asking them to shop and cook their meals for example? Are there any chores that they can help you with as a thank you for hosting them, for example, helping you clear out the shed?
How will expenses outside the house be paid for? You might want to make it clear that you expect them each come with their own card to cover their costs when going out – and of course if you want to offer a meal or a snack you can – but that the expectations are clear in terms of them covering their costs outside the house, like meals, drinks, visiting a games arcade or shopping.
I don’t know your personality Jaqueline, but if you are someone who tends to be people-pleasing and putting her needs last, be conscious of this tendency of yours, so that you don’t end up saying ‘OK fine’ without setting terms that will give you a bit more of what you want, or at least reward you for your effort and sacrifice.
If you are, instead, someone who tends to take things a bit too personally, try not to see this as a personal rejection – this isn’t about your grandson not wanting to be with you, but rather an age-appropriate desire to be with friends. And that is healthier than being glued to a screen communicating with them virtually.
Don’t forget the wider context
Finally, consider the wider context – especially your relationship with your daughter. Does this request touch on any deeper patterns? Have you felt your generosity has been taken for granted in other situations?
If that’s the case, it’s much better to speak about it and point out an emerging trend rather than ‘let the money do the talking’ by asking an unreasonable amount of money for the help your daughter has asked for this time.
Once you’ve considered the broader context (emotional, practical, financial and relational) you can now decide if it feels like something you would be happy to agree to or whether you would rather find a nice way to say no and explain – both to your daughter and to your grandson separately – the reasons why.
Whatever you decide, let it come from a place of clarity, not guilt. That way, your ‘yes’ will feel generous – and your ‘no’ will feel self-respecting.
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