DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING sex with my cousin is a massive secret but I want to shout about it from the rooftops and let the whole world know.
I am 31 and my cousin is 29. We were in primary school together but went to separate high schools.
For years we were only in contact online through social media. I hadn’t actually seen her face-to-face since she was about 15, until, that is, my brother’s recent 30th birthday party.
Wow, had she changed. She had grown into a beautiful woman.
I was helping set up the food and was getting flustered handling all the dishes. My cousin came over and said I looked stressed and offered to get us some drinks.
She was incredibly sweet and we spent the rest of the evening together, chatting and flirting heavily.
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She offered to give me a lift home and when her car started making a terrible noise, forcing her to pull over near my flat, I suggested she come in and wait for the breakdown guy.
Then we decided she should crash on the sofa but after a couple more drinks, we got cosy together.
The moment we kissed, the sparks between us were undeniable and we ended up having the most incredible, amazing sex.
We have now been secretly seeing each other for a month, meeting for passionate sex sessions.
We have fallen deeply in love, and we want to take the next step and get engaged.
The only scary hurdle is our family.
We know, deep down, that they won’t approve of us being together, but the strain of keeping this a secret is becoming too much.
DEIDRE SAYS: I do understand your hesitation, but there is no legal reason in the UK why you cannot have a committed relationship with your cousin, unless you belong to a faith that has objections.
Cousins can legally marry, too.
However, as you suspect, families sometimes find it difficult to accept these relationships, and as your relationship is still at a very early stage, dropping the bombshell that you plan to get married could be a shock.
Instead of announcing an engagement right away, first let your parents know you and your cousin are developing a very close friendship.
As they see you spending more time together, the idea of your relationship becoming romantic will feel more natural and less jarring.
If they question your closeness, don’t become defensive – you are doing nothing wrong and you deserve to be happy.
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
SMOKING DOPE TO FORGET
DEAR DEIDRE: SMOKING dope is the only way I can stop myself thinking about my ex-girlfriend. No matter how hard I try, all I can picture is her beautiful face.
I’m 20 and my ex is 19. We were together for almost two years. I thought I’d moved on, as I’m happy with a new girl.
She’s great and deserves better but every time I’m with her, I get a nagging emptiness because it’s so different with her.
I don’t have the same chemistry with her that I did with my ex. Every time I cave in and text my ex, it just makes things worse.
The moment she replies, it’s like a punch in the gut because I know that she’s never coming back.
I have tried not texting at all, but I miss her so much. I’m trapped, desperately seeking a way forward which doesn’t involve drugs.
I need to stop this self-destruction and actually move on with my life.
DEIDRE SAYS: Since your ex has moved on, you must too. Find the willpower to make a clean break.
Permanently delete her number and block her from all social media. This cut-off is essential if you are going to move on.
You need to stop relying on smoking drugs to cope.
Instead, find a healthy distraction, like going for a walk or listening to music.
Finally, you need to be fair to your current girlfriend. End your relationship with her if she is not the one for you.
My support pack, Moving On, will help you through this process.
BOYFRIEND IS JEALOUS OF MY EX
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I split up with my son’s father four years ago, my current boyfriend doesn’t like my ex and his family helping me with childcare.
I’m 29 and my son is seven. His dad is a great father. The problem is that our shared parenting is a minefield with my new boyfriend.
He’s 30, and while he’s fine with my son seeing his dad, he really struggles with the contact I have with my ex.
Handover times, whether picking my son up or dropping him off, means us seeing each other, and it’s a regular part of my life.
The help I get from my ex’s family is vital, particularly from his mum. I have an early start at work, and she takes my son to school most mornings.
My boyfriend wants me to find an alternative arrangement but that feels impossible right now.
I adore my boyfriend but I’m also a working mum who genuinely needs the practical, loving support of my ex’s family to make my life work. I’m torn between the two people I care about most.
DEIDRE SAYS: You, your son and your co-parenting with his dad come as a package. These arrangements benefit your son and should not be altered.
If your boyfriend can’t accept that, then he is not the right partner for you.
The issue is his insecurity. Encourage him to get to know your ex, so he will see he is not a threat but a loving, responsible parent.
HUSBAND DOES NOT TURN ME ON
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my husband has become painfully routine and I constantly fantasise about other men. It is the only way I can find a sense of excitement because, in all honesty, I don’t fancy him any more.
I am 33 and he is 35. We have been together for 12 years, married for five and, outwardly, our life appears to be perfect.
We have a beautiful daughter who is 11, I have a job I genuinely love and our relationship is stable. Yet, underneath it all, I am dissatisfied.
As our daughter gets older she needs me less, so I have started spending more time with my friends on nights out.
Initially, my husband was fine about staying in alone but now that I am having more fun times, I can sense his disapproval. I refuse to believe I am too old to enjoy life.
In fact, I feel so much more confident than I used to and I find myself seeking attention from other men when I am out. Plus, thoughts of sex are constantly on my mind.
The idea of actually leaving my husband is overwhelming – it genuinely feels like it could be the biggest mistake of my life. Yet staying with him feels like resigning myself to more of the same.
I desperately need to understand what is missing from my life and our relationship before leaving him moves from a possibility to reality.
DEIDRE SAYS: Unfortunately, it is true that a struggling relationship can cast a long shadow over not only your own life and that of your partner but your daughter’s, too.
Many long-term relationships need effort and attention to keep the spark alive. Find a quiet moment when you can have an honest talk with your husband uninterrupted.
Suggest that you both commit to putting some fresh energy back into your relationship and, more specifically, your sex life.
If possible, organise for a close friend or relative to have your daughter for an evening or overnight so you can enjoy regular date nights together and perhaps a weekend away.
My support pack, 50 Ways To Make Sex More Fun, has some tips to help you both reconnect.
