I AM having the best sex of my life, with a married man, but since I caught him cheating on me I’ve been left reeling and feeling agonised about whether our relationship can work.
I am 25 and my lover is 39. There was an instant attraction when I met him at work and I fell for him hard and fast.
The discovery that he was married didn’t stop us from then beginning an affair.
I even met his adorable little boys and loved them, too. I am so happy, but my parents are not.
They refuse to meet my lover because he is way older than me, and married.
Stumbling across him kissing and fooling around with another woman at a work team-building day has made me question everything.
At the end of the training there was a drinks reception, but I couldn’t find my partner anywhere.
After much searching, I discovered him at the back of a marquee with this woman I recognised from another department.
Initially, I was gutted but I later forgave him.
The problem is, he won’t stop flirting with other women on social media.
He never says anything about me or his wife to them.
It is causing constant arguments and, although he occasionally says I am the one he wants to be with, it’s only when he’s been drinking.
I thought he would be pleased when I discovered I was pregnant, but he went ballistic and tried to persuade me to have an abortion.
My parents did the same and in the end I agreed.
It was a big mistake because I feel so guilty and sad.
The rows have continued and are much more frequent.
I want things to be like they were when we first met.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you do but this is not love.
Everything is on his terms and he is never going to commit to you when he has the best of both worlds.
A termination usually leads to mixed feelings.
You suffered a genuine loss, a what-might-have-been.
That doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision.
It would help to talk over your feelings with a counsellor.
Contact themix.org.uk (0808 808 4994), which helps under-25s.
My support pack Termination You Reget will help you too.
Look for someone who is prepared to commit himself fully and only to you because this man won’t alter his behaviour to suit your wishes.
My support pack Your Lover Not Free? explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
SEX WITH WIFE’S SO VANILLA
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife says she is up for improving our repetitive and vanilla sex life – but when it boils down to it, she can’t bring herself to do the things we have talked about.
It is so frustrating.
I am 33 and she is 31.
We have been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter.
We are very much in love.
Everything in our relationship is fine, except for the lack of bedroom action.
My wife says no matter how much she wants to experiment and try new things, there is something holding her back.
She won’t even look at me naked, and struggles to touch me intimately.
She says it makes her feel uncomfortable.
She has no problem with me doing things to her, but it seems she is unable to do anything back, no matter how hard she tries.
I am trying to be patient but how long do I wait for things to change?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have patience by the bucketload, and it is sad that this has gone on for so long.
It sounds as if there is something from her early-life experiences which could be affecting her.
Or messages she received about sex from her parents, that sex is sordid, could be a trigger.
If she wasn’t kissed and hugged a lot, she may be too inhibited and struggle to show physical affection in return.
She may feel anxious about getting it wrong, too.
My support pack Want To Be More Adventurous In Bed explains more.
STEALING AT WORK HAS RUINED LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I haven’t put a foot wrong after being caught stealing at work, I am ashamed of what I did.
I am a 29-year-old man.
I owned up straight away, and had to pay a fine and do community service, but four years on I still can’t forget it.
I have a girlfriend who is 25 and she knows everything about my past, but her parents have no idea.
We are meant to be going on holiday later this year to Las Vegas.
The flights are all booked, and we are now looking at booking a hotel.
But I am trying to delay the booking as long as possible.
I need to wait to see if my visa application is successful.
It is stressing me out.
My girlfriend says she won’t go if my application is refused.
I do value her support, but it is likely to cause a rift with her parents if she doesn’t go, which is the last thing I want.
DEIDRE SAYS: This would be a lot less stressful if you could find the strength to be honest with her parents.
Explain how you’ve learned from the experience and have made significant positive changes to your life.
Talk to your girlfriend and tell her you want her to go without you if your visa is denied.
Take character references with you, in support of your visa application.
You can find out more through Nacro’s Criminal Record Support Service (nacro.org.uk, 0300 123 1999). Good luck.
TORMENTED BY MY ABUSIVE EX
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a nasty break-up three years ago, I still can’t get my ex out of my life.
I’m a woman of 30 and he is 33.
We were together for three years.
He was charming at first but then the controlling, abusive behaviour began.
It started with little things such as always wanting to know my location, and criticising my choice of clothes and friends.
I finally left him, and he went to live in Spain.
I thought I was well shot of him and went on to meet someone new.
Occasionally I’d still hear from him, but it was when I told him that I had met someone new that he began his campaign of nastiness towards me.
He told me that he still loved me, though, and wanted to marry me.
He can be so charming and sincere, but I try to keep our conversations as brief as possible.
Then one day I got a call from him while I was at work.
It put the wind up me because I have never given him my work number.
I then discovered that he has been hacking my emails and social media accounts.
I have tried both being polite and getting nasty, but nothing is working.
I just desperately want him to leave me alone so that I can now start to move on with my life.
DEIDRE SAYS: Despite his charms, this is harassment and a criminal offence.
Break-ups are never easy to deal with, but you must tell him firmly that you do not want him to contact you again.
Don’t answer his calls, emails or messages thereafter.
Block him if necessary.
I hope he will get the message when he doesn’t get a reaction from you.
Keep a detailed diary of everything that happens, should he continue.
Seriously consider reporting his behaviour to the police.
You can get further advice from the National Stalking Helpline (stalkinghelpline.org, 0808 802 0300).
HOT TOPIC
IF one thing is true, heartbreak hurts – sometimes more than we can ever expect.
Whether a relationship ended suddenly or slowly, losing someone you cared deeply about can leave you feeling lost, numb, angry or stuck in grief.
If you’re struggling to pick up the pieces, my support pack Mending A Broken Heart can help.
