DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE fallen for my wife’s best friend and I’m ready to start a life with her – but she insists we keep our fling a secret.
In her opinion, I can have the best of both worlds, but I hate living this double life.
I’m 40 and my wife is 38. We’ve been married for eight years and have two young daughters.
While our relationship has always been happy, since becoming parents, the spark has died and I often feel like we’re friends rather than lovers.
Her best mate has always been a big part of our lives, and since the day we were introduced, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a little crush on her.
To be honest, I had never given that attraction a second thought.
However, when she started working near me, we began seeing a lot more of each other.
The occasional carpool escalated to shared lunches and then after-work drinks.
It all began innocently, but we grew closer.
Over time, the connection became impossible to ignore. We’ve now been seeing each other secretly for months.
I’ve fallen for her deeply and can’t get her out of my head.
I want to make it work between us and was devastated to discover she’s still seeing other people.
Every time I bring up leaving my wife, she tells me I shouldn’t.
She’s happy keeping this under wraps but, for me, it’s torture.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear this woman isn’t taking the fling as seriously as you. If she is telling you she doesn’t want to take it further, believe her.
You made a commitment to your wife, and so taking a huge risk on a woman that is clearly not ready for a serious relationship with you would be a mistake.
Instead of worrying about the way this woman feels, you need to redirect your energy into trying to fix your marriage.
Find a calm and quiet moment to speak to your wife and tell her how you’ve been feeling.
Through spending some time working on your relationship, you may find the spark will reignite. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, will help.
Consider some relationship counselling, too. See Relate (relate.org.uk, 01905 28051) to arrange this.
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
He’s lovely but I’m not interested
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I gently let down the man I’ve been seeing?
It’s clear he’s still not over the loss of his late wife and, while I care for him deeply, I know our relationship isn’t going anywhere.
I’m 65, he’s 69, and we met six months ago in a local community centre. We hit it off instantly and have been seeing each other once a week ever since.
He’s a lovely man but, over time, I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing romantic between us.
I spend most of the time we share together consoling him about his grief, and we haven’t had sex.
He doesn’t have many people in his life and I know he relies on me heavily. The last thing I want to do is add to his pain, but I can’t waste any more time.
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to be honest with this man. While you don’t want to progress with this relationship, it doesn’t mean you need to cut him out of your life.
Perhaps you can tell him that while you aren’t interested in pursuing things romantically, you do still consider him a friend.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, will help you have this conversation.
SPARK’S GONE IN BEDROOM
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my wife started the menopause, our sex life has shuddered to a complete halt.
No matter what I do to try to reignite things in the bedroom, she’s not interested and it’s getting me down.
I’m 54, my wife is 52, and we’ve been together for 25 years.
While our sex life has definitely slowed down over the course of our relationship, we still enjoyed our intimacy and had sex once a week.
Now, it’s a struggle to even get her to touch me.
I’ve tried everything, from surprise romantic dinners and buying her toys and lingerie to booking weekend getaways, but nothing works.
I know she can’t help it, but I miss feeling close to her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, menopause often reduces a woman’s desire to have sex and makes sexual arousal more difficult.
However, this doesn’t mean you can’t regain a fulfilling sex life.
Talk to your wife and explain how you feel. Tell her how much you miss intimacy and being close to her.
Suggest she speaks to her GP to hopefully get some help for her symptoms.
In the meantime, my Menopause support pack should be helpful for you both to read.
TOXIC EX WON’T GIVE HIM PEACE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend’s ex is meddling in his new relationship and he refuses to put a stop to it.
His new girlfriend is completely clueless and I feel terrible watching it all play out.
I’m 32, my mate is 33, and we’ve been in each other’s lives since we were in primary school.
His relationship with his ex was incredibly toxic, and they went back and forth with each other for years before he finally ended it for good.
When he met a lovely woman a few months ago, and their relationship blossomed, I was so pleased. I could tell he was finally happy.
Then he broke the news to me that his ex was still bombarding him with messages, saying she missed him. I told him to block her, but he said he felt too guilty to completely cut her off.
To make matters worse, she joined the same gym as his new girlfriend and intentionally befriended her.
I’ve warned him he needs to tell her to back off and leave them both alone, but he refuses.
Now, his girlfriend is going on coffee dates with his ex, but has no idea who she really is.
I feel so bad for his new partner, but I’m worried if I intervene and tell her what is going on, it will all blow up in my face.
DEIDRE SAYS: While it’s understandable that you feel you’re in an awkward position with your friend, it’s his responsibility to tell his girlfriend.
If you interfered, there’s no predicting how this woman may react. Often, it can be a case of shooting the messenger who delivers bad news and you could potentially risk a big fall-out with your friend.
Try to tell him one last time that he is risking his new relationship by letting his ex infiltrate his life.
If he still decides to do nothing, then that has to be his decision.
Hopefully, he’ll listen and put more boundaries in place, finally cutting off his ex for good.
