DEAR DEIDRE: ONE of my painting and decorating customers has made it clear that she wants more than my handyman skills.
I’m a single man aged 24 and this is a sticky situation.
A few months ago, I was asked to go round and quote for painting a huge, five-bedroom house.
I expected to meet a family, but it was just a middle-aged woman living alone. Over coffee, she told me her husband had died a few years ago.
She is 47 but has a great body, which was easy to see through her skin-tight gym gear.
I accepted the job and got started.
She was at home every day and kindly bringing me tea and biscuits every few hours.
Then her flirting began to ramp up.
One day my radio was playing a Spice Girls song, and she came into the room and started doing a provocative dance.
I nearly fell off my ladder.
That night as I was leaving, she opened a bottle of wine and asked me to share it.
Over a glass, she told me she had been lonely in the house by herself, and enjoyed my company.
As she said this, she put her hand on my leg, making her intentions very clear.
We ended up on my dust sheet, having fast, passionate sex.
She was exciting and adventurous and taught me more than a few new moves.
I was back the following week finishing the house, and she clearly wanted a replay. But I’m unsure what to do.
I really like her — she’s just my type, sexy and passionate, and seems genuinely kind.
But there’s a 23-year age gap, Could this relationship work, or is she just using me to fix her loneliness?
DEIDRE SAYS: Relationships with an age gap can work out well, as long as you want the same things and share a similar outlook.
There is no reason why an older woman and a younger man couldn’t enjoy a fun, passionate fling.
But difficulties could arise later down the line, if you decided you wanted a family.
Women over 45 can have children, but it can be more difficult and has a higher risk of complications.
I suggest you read my support pack Age-Gap Concerns. It will give you more information on the possible problems you might face together.
The sensible thing to do would be to discuss all of this with her – over a cuppa, not a Cabernet – and find out what she’s looking for.
And then be honest (with yourself, and her) about whether that is going to work for you.
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TERRIFIED BY MY ADDICT SON’S RAGES
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM frightened of my teenage son. His drug addiction makes him have wild, violent rages and an explosive temper.
He has wrecked his bedroom several times, kicked over my TV and even smashed the windscreen of my car.
He’s 19.
I don’t blame him. I think it’s my fault he turned out this way.
His father and I met when I was just 18. I got pregnant quickly.
Although I tried to make a go of things as a family, my ex was rough and had a bad temper so I eventually fled with my son.
From then on, I gave my son everything I could, and stopped dating to focus on him.
When he was 14, he made some bad friends at school and began taking drugs. He’s been addicted ever since.
When he’s not using, he loses control of his temper. He shouts and swears at me.
He has even threatened my old, unwell mum. It’s all so loud that I’m terrified the neighbours must hear what’s going on.
In these rages, he screams at me that I messed up his life by leaving his father.
When he’s calm, he’s the most kind, loving person you will ever meet. But his rages are frightening.
How do I deal with the awful situation I put him in?
DEIDRE SAYS: None of this is your fault. Your ex was a violent, dangerous man – you had no choice but to leave.
Since then, you have given your son everything you could, even putting your romantic life on hold so you could concentrate on raising him.
His drug problem is also not your fault. It is likely the drugs have contributed to his violent rages, but you can’t let this situation continue.
First things first. You are in danger. The next time your son threatens you or you feel scared by his anger, call the police.
Also, look for ongoing support and advice to help you turn this situation around before you or your son do something that can’t be fixed.
I would urge you to contact Pegs (pegsupport.co.uk). It offers free support to any parent or carer suffering from abuse from a child, whether that is physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual.
You might also find it helpful to contact Adfam, a charity set up to help families who are affected by drug abuse (adfam.org.uk).
You can also get advice on your son’s drug use from your GP.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE only just turned 30, I’m pretty and I keep myself in shape, so why does my husband never want to have sex with me?
He’s 37 and we have been together for five years.
We were in a long-distance relationship to begin with, so when we saw each other every weekend, sparks flew and we would make love for hours at a time.
Throughout the week we would exchange flirty messages, teasing each other with descriptions of what we would do on our next date together.
A year later, I got pregnant with our son and the excuses started.
He didn’t feel comfortable getting passionate while I was pregnant, then the baby was in our room, then he was tired.
He even made an excuse on our wedding night.
Since then, we have had sex about once every two months.
When I talk to him about how I feel, he promises to change. But he never does.
I have convinced myself he is gay because I don’t know why else he wouldn’t want to sleep with me.
I asked him, but he strongly denied it.
He says he still fancies me and loves me very much, but I need that intimacy. I can’t go through life in a sexless marriage.
I’m at breaking point.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s all very well for him to say he fancies you and loves you, but his words don’t match his actions.
Talk to him once more – tell him you’re worried and want to regain the closeness you had at the beginning.
Explain you feel sad that you’re both missing out on a lot of fun.
If you express it lovingly – being clear how much you care about him, how sexy you find him, and how much you’d love to express your feelings in bed – he will hopefully open up about any worries or issues that might be curbing his libido.
He might be stressed about work, have financial worries or be battling depression.
You deserve a good sex life, and he knows this, but he also needs to know you’ve had enough.
Please read my support pack Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive to give you more ideas and techniques.
CAN’T GIVE UP THE BOOZE
DEAR DEIDRE: ALCOHOL made me lose sight of what’s important in life. Now I’m desperate to quit but I keep failing.
I’m 22. I started drinking six years ago when I kept having fights with my dad. I left home at 18 and my stress reduced, but I didn’t manage to cut down on the drinking.
My friends are getting on with their lives – going to college and starting interesting jobs – but I am just wasting my days away getting drunk.
I look and feel older than I should, and I have lost all my self-esteem.
Please tell me how to become a better version of myself.
DEIDRE SAYS: Alcohol makes everyone lose sight of their priorities.
Instead of pursuing their dreams and ambitions, they pursue the numbness of being drunk.
It’s good that you’ve realised this at 22. There’s still lots of time to turn your life around.
Talk to your GP as they might be able to refer you to nearby support.
You can also find help on the NHS website, at nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice.
GRANDSON FEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY grandson needs to go to a school for autistic children because I fear he will struggle in mainstream education.
He’s nearly five, but still non-verbal. He can’t dress himself as yet or tell when he needs the toilet.
My daughter has applied for his Reception year school place.
There’s a space on the form where we can give our reasons why he should be sent to a school for autistic children, but we need guidance on what to write.
Are there any support groups that might be able to help us with this?
DEIDRE SAYS: I do understand your concerns. Luckily, there is a lot of support available.
Special Needs Jungle (specialneedsjungle.com) has resources to help parents navigate the SEND system, including a whole section on school applications.
You can also find a lot of information about school applications through autism.org.uk.
And check out the education section of the Child Law Advice website (childlawadvice.org.uk/education).
