DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my gay best friend felt more incredible than any sexual encounters I’ve had before.
I’m a gay woman and he’s a gay man, so it was a first for us both. Now we can’t keep our hands off one another.
We became friends when we both worked behind the bar at a big pub in town.
We liked the same music and had lots of things in common.
He told me he’d come out of a long-term relationship with a guy before we met, and I told him I’d only had relationships with women before. He’s 28 and I’m 26.
I loved having a gay best friend and all my mates loved him too. We’d spend all our spare time together.
My housemate moved out to do a placement abroad so the obvious choice for my next housemate was my friend.
We both had an evening off a fortnight after he’d moved in because of a power outage at work. We decided to make our own party — we had some drinks and nibbles and put on some music and danced.
We were reminiscing about our time at school and I put on one of my favourite slow numbers.
He opened his arms to me and we smooched along to the music and then we ended up kissing. It felt so natural.
We went through to my bedroom and we had sex in my bed.
It felt so good. I’d never felt so fulfilled with a woman or using sex toys — there was always something missing.
My friend admitted that it felt good for him, too.
Now we don’t know what to do. Both of our families and friends all know we are gay so how can we tell them we’ve had a change of heart?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Our sexuality can be fluid although some are totally gay or straight and others somewhere in between.
You’ve both found that you’re drawn to one another’s personality, not the gender, and that’s perfectly OK.
Don’t feel you have to put a label on your sexuality – you can spend time together as you please and nobody needs to know about your private life.
If you want to tell friends and family that you’re now together, you can find support through FFLAG, (a charity supporting friends and family of lesbians or gay men or who have a bisexual family member) (fflag.org.uk, tel: 0300 688 0368).
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
SO WORRIED AFTER ABUSE PIC CAME UP ON MY SCREEN
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M scared stiff somebody will know I saw a pornographic image of a girl who looked about 14 on my screen. I didn’t seek it out, though. It was a pop-up.
I’m a single dad to a little girl of five. I’m 32. My ex sees our daughter at the weekend but I have full custody.
I was horrified to see that a young teenager could be involved in what was clearly an abusive situation.
Because I’m single, I do look at pornography sometimes but it is conventional stuff normally, showing couples over the age of 18.
I know abuse happens but it’s abhorrent to me, especially as I have a young child.
A brother of one of my mates was arrested for having child-abuse images on his computer.
Now I’m worried I could be accused of something like that too.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t panic. As long as you didn’t download it, search for it or share it, it is very unlikely you’ll be prosecuted.
What you can do is install a pop-up blocker on your computer which will prevent this happening again.
You can also report, in confidence to the Internet Watch Foundation (iwf.org.uk), any website showing abusive images.
If the anxiety around this continues, it would be worth talking to a therapist. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.
You are a caring dad, keep putting your daughter first.
EX’S LIES LANDED ME IN POLICE CELL
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN police turned up and my door and took me down to the station, I was bewildered to learn that my ex-girlfriend had complained to them about my “threatening behaviour”.
Staring at the four walls of the police cell, I wondered what on earth was going on. My ex had clearly made the whole thing up.
We’d been together for three years when I saw a text come in on her phone while she was in the bathroom. It said, “Counting the days until I see you again next week.” It was from her colleague.
I confronted her over it, and she looked awkward at first then laughed in my face. She couldn’t deny the text was incriminating and yelled: “Get out!”
Upset, I took it that we were over – but then she started bombarding me with texts asking me to take her back.
When I refused, she reacted bizarrely and sent me pictures of her colleague and her both naked. She kept on sending me photographs, then called me a loser. That was the end of it . . . until the police were banging on my door.
They put me in their squad car and took me to the station. It was a Saturday evening so I was stuck in a cell for hours. When I explained the situation and showed them the messages on my phone, they seemed to feel sorry for me and finally let me go.
My ex is 19 and I’m 23. I’m still having nightmares about it though. She’s made me feel worthless.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry you went through that trauma. You were in a damaging relationship and now you’re unpicking her toxic behaviour.
You’re not worthless, you’re a guy who got into a relationship with the wrong person.
Having some counselling will teach you techniques to build your confidence so that you can move on from this. My support pack called Raising Self-esteem shows you how.
HE CAN’T COMMIT DUE TO TRAUMA
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend says he loves me but that he can’t commit to me in case I abuse him, which is how his ex behaved.
I’m not like that and no matter how much I tell him, he keeps me at arm’s length and won’t move in with me.
His ex was 40 and he’s 38. They have a son together. I’m a divorcee with no kids and am aged 36.
He’s the loveliest guy I’ve ever met and I thought we had a future until he broke down one night telling me the real reason he left his ex.
She’d punched him so hard, he had two black eyes and couldn’t work for a week.
His friends were always begging him to leave her but he didn’t want to because of his son. He has looked for support but says all the domestic abuse help is focused on helping women, and that makes him feel worse. How can I help him?
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s still suffering from the after-effects of an abusive situation. He may be feeling guilt and shame that he couldn’t stop the abuse, but better for his son that he got out.
Keep on telling him how important he is to you. In time, especially if he gets support – and there is help out there for men – he may allow himself to trust you.
Mankind.org.uk (01823 334244) helps male victims of domestic abuse, as well as advising friends, family and colleagues who may be concerned for somebody.
