I see the look of surprise that crosses someone’s face when I mention that my husband and I sleep in separate beds.
Most people I know have stereotypical sleeping arrangements, a societal norm of a married couple in one bed, saying good night to one another, and cuddling to sleep, but how many of those couples can say they actually sleep well?
I’m betting not that many.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for nine, and, except for going on holiday (when in most cases necessity forces us to share), we have spent most of our years as a couple sleeping in separate beds.
It’s not a sleeping set-up I expected, nor was it planned, but I can probably go as far as saying that it’s made us a better couple because of it.
We met when I was twenty-three and fresh out of the early twenties world of sleeping wherever my head fell.
I had spent university in house shares, summers back home with my parents, out late, up early, catching up on sleep where I could – all the good stuff that comes with the care-free life of pre-kids.
Sleep had always been easy for me, in fact, I famously once slept through a fire alarm in my halls of residence, and I hadn’t even been drinking.
I’ve always had good sleep habits, I read a lot before bed, and it calms my mind. I find it easy to switch off, settle down and sleep uninterrupted for a good eight hours.
Sophie Paluch (pictured) and her husband were having so much trouble sharing a bed they decided to start sleeping in separate bedrooms – and it revitalised their marriage
My husband certainly finds sleep more challenging, he’s a light sleeper, prone to repeated wake-ups, and he can fixate on a noise (which, in most cases, I can’t even hear) that can keep him awake for hours.
We’ve often had to change hotel rooms due to him being able to hear some distant humming – despite wearing earplugs, I may add.
He needs complete darkness, and the right pillow combination, and he snores, loudly.
A year after meeting we decided to buy a house together, it was clear to us both that our relationship was different to what we had had before with others.
We had the same ideas on life, could laugh together for hours and he made me feel good about myself. It was refreshing.
My husband had been sharing a house with his friend for several years and while I stayed over some nights, it tended to be once a week because he found it difficult to sleep when I was there, and I needed to be up early to go and muck out my horse.
I suppose his quest for the perfect sleep conditions wasn’t as obvious then, although sometimes I did wonder if both earplugs and a pillow on his head were necessary.
It was when we bought our first home that the cracks in our sleeping arrangements began to show.
‘There were many of my normal sleep habits (like breathing) that he found difficult and the fact he often sounded like a freight train next to me meant that neither of us got much sleep’
There were many of my normal sleep habits (like breathing) that he found difficult and the fact he often sounded like a freight train next to me meant that neither of us got much sleep.
‘Perhaps you could stop snoring.’ I snapped at him one night when he had repeatedly asked me to stop ‘wafting’ the duvet – I was just rolling over.
‘It’s not a normal roll, it’s a Crocodile death roll,’ he scowled at me before we both turned our backs on one another.
For the next couple of months, we told each other we would get used to sharing a bed together.
I felt pressure from others to fix the whole sleeping arrangement thing – weren’t you supposed to share a bed with the person you love?
We tried lots of different options, separate duvets at first, then even resorting to taking the bed frame away and putting two mattresses on the floor so we could sleep side by side but not actually in the same bed.
I began to get anxious about waking him up, so my sleep became restless, and his tolerance level for the shared space seemed to get worse.
We would both wake up in the morning exhausted from lack of sleep, bickering over silly things because we were so tired.
I felt upset that things were so good between us, so why couldn’t we conquer this one issue?
I suppose at that time, it would have helped to know of other happily married couples that slept apart, but even now it seems to be a taboo topic associated with marital arguments or infidelity – two issues that couldn’t be further away from the relationship my husband and I have.
We have a very healthy marriage, we are close and connected, it’s just the physical act of falling – and staying – asleep next to each other that doesn’t work.
I began to think about our sleep, how important it was for all areas of our health and wellbeing, and that the quality and quantity of your sleep makes such a huge difference to your day.
It can be so easy to get sucked into what we think we should be doing, how we think we should be living our lives, and so we both looked at changing our perspectives on this ‘issue’ and accepting that even though we loved each other and spending time together, we didn’t match when it came to sleep.
And so, we decided to sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms.
Fourteen years and two children later, I think we are a stronger couple for prioritising our own sleep needs.
We still spend time together in the evening before sleeping, and we still have a cup of tea together in bed in the morning, but we both wake up refreshed and ready to be the best version of ourselves for one another.
‘We have a very healthy marriage, we are close and connected, it’s just the physical act of falling – and staying – asleep next to each other that doesn’t work’
Of course, there are times when we are forced together at night, last summer we bought a campervan and spent a few weeks in Italy – and campervan beds are small!
It was a lesson in patience for us both, separate sleeping bags all the way, but holiday time is different to the demands of everyday life – the tiredness of work and parenting seems to be less prevalent.
When people ask me whether sleeping in separate beds has made a difference to our relationship, I say yes, but in a good way.
I’m still not sure why this type of nighttime set-up is seen as a bad thing.
I think the worst thing you can do is to keep going with a situation that clearly isn’t working, and the bedroom is perhaps the worst place for a battleground.
Marriage is forever a work in progress, you need to grow and develop together as a couple, but I also think a healthy marriage means valuing your own space and needs as well, for us we need good sleep to be a better couple.
Sophie Paluch is a writer and podcaster. Her podcast Food, Love and Other Things that matter is out now.
