DEAR DEIDRE: MY friends were so jealous when I landed the best job as a live-in nanny for a wealthy family in London.
After all, I have my own car, my own apartment at the top of the house, and I get plenty of time off. But now I’m worried I’ve ruined it all by starting an affair with the mum.
We got together one weekend night when her husband was out on one of his boozy client dinners and the children were tucked up in bed.
I’d always admired her – she’s a high-flying lawyer, is running a home, and somehow she always manages to look immaculate.
She is also great fun, whereas her husband is a lot more serious.
At first, I thought our encounter would be a one-off off but the next time her husband went away for work, she went out of her way to ensure I’d be at home and cooked us a nice meal with plenty of red wine on the side.
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Again, we ended up in my bed having the most incredible sex.
I’m gay, and she told me I was her first female encounter. However, I suspect she’s been with other women, because she was so at ease with me.
She’s never admitted to anyone, let alone her husband, that she is bisexual.
Everything felt so exciting to begin with, but the guilt of what we’re doing is beginning to overwhelm me.
I’m 31, she’s 39, and her husband is a couple of years older than her.
I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve had sex now. It’s surreal, acting like nothing is going on in front of anyone else, and then in private, the passion between us is incredible.
Her husband doesn’t deserve this treatment right under his nose, and he really is lovely with the kids.
I recently suggested we go back to being 100 per cent professional, but the mum begged me not to end our arrangement.
She loves the risk and says she was really lonely before we started spending time together.
She has confided that her husband never wants sex with her, and she suspects he has a porn addiction.
Now my friends say I’m crazy. They keep warning me that we’ll get discovered and I’ll lose my home, my car and my job all at the same time.
I don’t think I’d get a reference either!
How do I get this situation under control? I feel like such an idiot.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your friends are right – you are risking everything – just as this mum is.
Talk to her again and highlight how her family life would get blown apart if your affair came to light (which inevitably is likely).
Encourage her to resolve the issues in her marriage. From what you’ve written the mum is feeling rejected, lonely and seeking affirmation from outside her marriage.
Tell her firmly you can’t continue your liaison and you need to return to a purely professional relationship.
Unfortunately pornography addiction is a growing issue for many but there is plenty of support available.
Encourage her to seek support through a sex and relationship therapist who can help them work through their challenges.
The College Of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can help you find a reputable counsellor.
For the sake of their children, it’s surely worth that effort. You could also perhaps pass on my free support pack Pornography Worry to her which explains more.
You’d be very wise to busy yourself in the evenings to avoid falling back into bed with this mother.
Now that you’ve started a sexual relationship, realistically it will be nigh on impossible to go back to a relaxed atmosphere in this family home.
You would be very wise to start looking for a new role, where you can put the lessons you’ve learned in this job into place.
Dear Deidre’s Infidelity Issues
From hidden flings to messy betrayals, cheating stories regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One woman is involved in an intense affair with her child’s teacher, torn between the passion of a secret romance and maintaining her family life.
Another reader admits to repeatedly cheating on her loving boyfriend, compelled by a need for attention and desire, while living a seemingly normal relationship.
And a third man’s married double life came crashing down when his mother discovered he had been secretly paying for escorts.
HOW TO BACK OUT OF AN AFFAIR
Ending an affair can feel harder than it should. What starts as excitement and escape often turns into anxiety, guilt and secrecy.
1. Accept it has to end
Acknowledge that no matter how intense it feels, the affair is built on deception. Continuing only deepens the emotional fallout for everyone involved.
2. Cut contact clearly
Don’t drift away, be firm. End it in person or by message, but make your boundaries unmistakable. Staying “friends” or checking in will only risk pulling you back in.
3. Be prepared for withdrawal
Affairs can be addictive. Expect a crash once the fantasy and thrill disappears. Lean on friends or a counsellor instead of the person you’re leaving behind.
4. Tell the truth, carefully
If you’re in a relationship, decide whether to be honest with your partner. Transparency can help rebuild trust, but choose a time and setting that’s safe for both of you.
5. Reflect on why it happened
Look at what led you there – boredom, resentment, validation, or emotional neglect – and address those issues before they repeat.
6. Rebuild your integrity
Commit to honesty going forward. Whether you stay in your current relationship or not, owning your choices is key to healing and change.
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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