Dear Dee,
On behalf of every woman who has ever twisted herself into a human pretzel trying to ‘fix’ a man who clearly didn’t deserve her, it’s time we had a chat.
Because I’ve been you.
I once dated a man who treated chaos like foreplay. Pub fights. Police chases. Court dates. Jail sentences (yes, plural). I thought if I just loved him enough, supported him hard enough, held on a little tighter, he’d eventually morph into the man I knew he could be. Instead, I lost myself in the process.
It took two therapists, one hypnotist and several family and friend-led interventions to finally shake me out of it. (Spoiler alert: he never grew up… but I did.)
I see the same look in your eyes now. In every paparazzi shot where you’re quietly holding it together while your fiance Conor McGregor – the father of your four children – lights another match under his reputation.
First, he was spotted kissing a bikini-clad woman in full view on a beach in Florida over the weekend, and now, rapper Azealia Banks has complained about alleged nude photos of him that she claims he sent her on X, unprompted.
I hope Conor appreciates the support you have given him before and since the civil court case last year, in which jurors found him liable for assault by rape of a woman in a Dublin hotel – but his behaviour suggests otherwise.
Photos of McGregor passionately kissing a mystery woman while on a lads holiday have surfaced
You have tried to put a brave face on it – posting on Instagram about the alleged rape that ‘Conor and I dealt with these issues privately years ago’. But to me, you have the exhausted, almost robotic expression of a woman who’s been dragged through the mud and keeps getting up, brushing herself off and pretending this is fine.
Dee, it’s not fine. And you deserve better.
Let’s take a quick look at Conor’s greatest hits, shall we?
From that ruling that saw him ordered to pay nearly €250,000 in damages to a young woman who accused him of sexually assaulting her (which he is now appealing), to sexual battery allegations in the US during the 2023 NBA basketball finals (no criminal charges were filed), Conor’s name keeps popping up in places it shouldn’t.
Now, the beach photos of him passionately kissing a mystery woman while on a lads holiday. Not remotely discreetly.
Where was the respect? Non-existent.
And just when you think it can’t get more embarrassing, Banks posts screenshots alleging your fella had been sending her unsolicited explicit images for years – including one, as she put it, ‘with his d*** wrapped around a dumbbell’. He allegedly warned her: ‘Don’t be a rat.’ She called it harassment and told her followers: ‘Men like this f**ed me up.’
Fair call. Very fair call.
Dee Devlin with McGregor at the Cannes film festival in 2022.In a heartfelt message to the fighter’s partner, Hocking writes: ‘You’re not clinging to love, you’re clinging to suffering and dressing it up as loyalty’
Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking, who once dated a man similar to McGregor, writes: ‘I thought if I just loved him enough, supported him hard enough, held on a little tighter, he’d eventually morph into the man I knew he could be. Instead, I lost myself in the process’
Whether these allegations go anywhere legally or not, the pattern is loud and clear: repeated disrespect by a man who seems perfectly OK to humiliate and betray the woman who has stood by him the longest. You.
Sure, maybe one indiscretion could be chalked up to an ‘oopsie-daisy, I messed up’ moment. But this pattern of behaviour suggest he’s either incredibly dumb… or completely heartless. Both diagnoses are scary Dee, and it’s time to get out.
But I get why you’ve stayed. I really do.
What you’re up against is something called the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ – that horrible mental trap that says: ‘But I’ve already put in so many years, I can’t give up now.’ You think walking away would mean all that time was wasted.
But here’s the brutal truth: staying just because you’ve already sunk so many years into this relationship – 17 in fact – is how you waste even more. You’re not clinging to love, you’re clinging to suffering and dressing it up as loyalty.
We see your loyalty, and we pity it.
Because here’s the simple fact: HE. WILL. NEVER. CHANGE. He’s proven it far too many times.
And sure, maybe you tell yourself you’re staying for the kids. But as someone who grew up in a household like that, let me tell you, it messes them up more than you think.
I remember a therapist once saying to me of my four-year toxic relationship: ‘This man is treating you with so much disrespect that a secure person with healthy self-worth would leave immediately. But because you watched your own mum tolerate similar treatment, you never developed those natural instincts to walk away. His behaviour doesn’t shock you – it’s familiar. It’s been normalised. So now we have to rewire your brain to actually recognise red flags as red flags.’
Dee, the red flags are waving.
And if you don’t want your kids growing up and finding themselves in this kind of relationship, then it’s time to break the cycle.
What you need to do – said from experience – is take everything you learnt from those years spent with that angry little garden gnome and redirect it towards someone or something that deserves your attention. Your history proves you’re brilliant at nurturing, supporting and showing up for a partner. Oh, and let’s not forget, you’re an absolute stunner. Those qualities make you an extraordinary partner… just not for him. He (in those godawful short shorts) doesn’t deserve you.
And dare I say it, he wouldn’t be where he is today if it wasn’t for you. I watched the Netflix documentary, McGregor Forever, about his fighting career and it was very clear. Your sacrifices were incredible, but you’ve done your time. Now it’s time to direct all that energy towards yourself.
If you’re smart about it, you can turn those wasted years into gold. Not all is lost. Get yourself out of this mess and then write a book about it. Go on the public speaking trail. Or buy yourself a big ol’ mansion from the breakup and live in extravagant peace away from the public eye and his humiliating stunts.
Because I fear if you stay, you will aim that pent up rage in the wrong direction. Take Coleen Rooney as a prime example. She is a masterclass in what not to do with that heartbreak. After years of humiliation in the press, she didn’t unleash on the man responsible – she channelled all that rage into what became the Wagatha Christie saga. A whole lawsuit, thousands of pounds, and a PR storm… just to bring down another woman.
Maybe Rebekah Vardy deserved it. Maybe she didn’t. But let’s be real: Coleen was misfiring. That was a woman directing all her fury at the wrong target, because the real one was too close to home.
So take a breath. Have a think. And ask yourself if you’re also distracting yourself from the source of your pain by putting all your energy elsewhere?
Some women take their relationship woes out on other women. Others, on their face. Botox injections, boob jobs, constant nips and tweaks – all in a bid to become more desirable to partners who won’t stop straying. ‘Maybe if I enhance my looks he’ll stop cheating’, so many women tell themselves. But they never do (even the hottest supermodels get cheated on). So I would be wary of that. Heck, my face became a pincushion during the hardest moments of my toxic relationship.
So steer clear of the injectors.
Also, let me say something I’ve learned the hard way: fewer women would need therapy (or misguided Botox) if we just stopped tolerating scumbags.
Honestly, I get messages all the time from women saying: ‘I’m confused. I’m heartbroken. He says he loves me but acts like I don’t exist…’
Maybe you’ve told yourself you’ve come to terms with it. That this is just who he is. Maybe you’ve even convinced yourself it’s an open relationship and you’re ‘okay with it’. But even then, there are boundaries. Like: don’t publicly humiliate your partner in front of a hundred iPhones and paparazzo.
At the end of the day, your children are watching. And they’ll grow up learning either what love looks like or what it doesn’t.
So leave. If not for yourself, walk for their sake. Show them that love doesn’t come with a side of betrayal and PR spin.
Pack a bag. Call the lawyer. And take that man to the cleaners. Lord knows you deserve every penny.
Because peace, real peace, is waiting for you.
With love and rage,
Jana x
