DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter is cheating on her husband, just like I cheated on her dad.
I don’t know whether to encourage her to stay, like I did, or urge her to run like the wind.
I’m 52 and have been married for 25 years. I got pregnant soon after we met but shouldn’t have rushed into marriage.
We are chalk and cheese. He wants security and routine, I crave excitement.
He wants sex in the dark twice a month while I fantasise about uninhibited sessions on a beach.
Fifteen years ago, I was unfaithful. I found the excitement I was longing for in an intense, secret fling with a colleague.
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My husband eventually found out. We had a blazing row and he threw me out of the house. My daughter was only three then, but she heard us fighting.
I battled on as a single mum for two years but it was so hard.
Eventually I won my husband back with promises and grand gestures. And even though he never fully forgave me, we buried our issues and focused on keeping our family together.
My daughter, 24, who has no children yet and is doing well at work, has just confided in me that she has been cheating too.
She hasn’t been happy with her husband — who is similar to her dad — so started an affair.
She finished it before her husband found out but she’s not sure that was the right choice. She’s now asking me what to do.
I’m finding I can’t be rational. It’s like history has repeated itself and I have a chance to see how my life would have gone if I’d followed my heart.
What do I tell her to do, when I still don’t know if I made the right choice?
DEIDRE SAYS: As you know, it would be selfish for you to let your own regrets influence your daughter’s decision.
While her situation looks the same on the surface, her marriage is completely different to yours.
The best thing you can do is support her, and act as a sounding board. If you have genuine concerns that her marriage isn’t safe or healthy, voice them.
But because you are so close to her, and see so many similarities, it will be impossible to give her impartial advice.
I’d recommend you talk to a counsellor. If you feel couples counselling might help bring you and your husband closer again, then tavistockrelationships.org can organise this.
Your daughter would also benefit from talking to a relationship therapist. That way she and her husband can work out what their relationship needs to strengthen it, or if they are better off apart.
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CAN’T GET OVER BEING BULLIED AS A CHILD
DEAR DEIDRE: BEING bullied as a child has made me hate people as an adult. I’m 24.
I’d love to have a girlfriend but find it impossible to trust anyone.
I was picked on all through school. My parents weren’t sympathetic at all and told me to “man up”.
Now my career has been full of mean, critical managers and colleagues. It’s like a never-ending cycle.
As soon as someone gets too close to me, I panic and cut off all contact.
Please help me change before it’s too late.
DEIDRE SAYS: Victims of bullying often isolate themselves and try to deal with the consequences on their own.
Hiding from people is a way of protecting yourself, but you would clearly like some companionship.
The first step towards trusting others would be to work on raising your self-esteem.
There are lots of useful tips on Mind’s website (mind.org.uk) and my Raising Self-Esteem support pack should help.
If the memories persist, talking to a counsellor about your past could also be useful.
SHOULD I CHALLENGE THEIR WILL?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY parents have recently written their will – but I don’t think it’s fair.
They are in their seventies. They’ve told me they plan to divide their money equally between me, my sister and her four children, so we will each receive a sixth of the estate.
We are both in our mid-forties and while I have reservations, my sister thinks it is a great idea as all her kids will receive a tidy sum.
I could never have kids, so I feel like I’m losing out. Should I challenge my mum and dad’s decision?
In my opinion, my sister and I should each receive a decent share of the estate – say, one-third each – and the remaining third could then be split between the grandchildren.
With Christmas coming up, I haven’t expressed my views because I don’t want to start an argument so close to the festive season.
But this issue is gnawing at me. It also doesn’t help my nerves that my sister and her husband are already loaded. The money doesn’t really affect them either way.
But my partner and I have always struggled due to poor health or bad luck, and this inheritance would have been our one and only chance of ever receiving a lump sum.
My sister has no sympathy for our struggles. She has always been very money-oriented, and I don’t think for one second that she would agree to a fairer split to benefit me.
I’m sure she’s just relieved she won’t be the one who has to help her children get onto the property ladder.
But she doesn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that I live in a damp, run-down flat and often struggle to pay my bills. Should I say anything or do you think I’ll just look grabby?
DEIDRE SAYS: This choice is up to your parents, I’m afraid. Their estate is theirs to divide as they wish.
If you feel you want to address this plan with them, find a calm time to discuss how their decision will affect you. They may well change their mind about it as a result.
I can understand why you feel disappointed and worried, though.
Money issues are extremely stressful, and this inheritance bombshell has probably left you feeling like your last safety net has been ripped away.
If you’d like to talk to someone about this issue in confidence, without sparking a rift, family-action.org.uk (0808 802 6666) is an award-winning charity that supports people through any kind of family problem, free of charge.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS in the chemist’s buying vitamins with my partner but was horrified to see him grab a bottle of pills that are meant to boost men’s sexual desire, and drop them into my basket.
We’re both in our 50s. I didn’t say anything but I’m quite hurt and worried now.
I feel like he can’t fancy me any more if he needs pills to get him going.
We’ve been together for 12 years since both our first marriages ended.
Our sex life has never been what you’d call spectacular but I accepted that because I love him.
He’s an old-fashioned man and doesn’t open up about what he wants us to do in bed. I think he gets embarrassed talking about it.
Over the years, I’ve learned a few tricks that he seems to respond well to. But I’m guessing he’s started to get bored of them.
Since the pills, I’m torn. Half of me feels like I should make more of an effort in the bedroom. But the other half of me thinks it takes two to tango and that he should just tell me if we need to rev things up.
I’m a loving, supportive partner and I’m happy to do anything he wants. I just don’t know what it is.
DEIDRE SAYS: Lots of people feel too shy to voice their sexual preferences. It’s not just him.
After 12 years, I’d hope he would feel safe enough to open up about his deepest desires, but I don’t know his background.
If he came from a very strict, repressed home where sex was never mentioned, he might still feel reluctant to share even as a mature man.
Alternatively, his first marriage might have been judgmental and cold, so he’s developed hang-ups.
The pills don’t mean he’s unhappy with you – if anything, they could be a sign that he’s longing to have more sex, but he’s missing the libido he felt as a younger man.
Many men over the age of 50 find that their natural sex drive starts to wane so they reach for some kind of help.
My 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex support pack has plenty of fresh and fulfilling activities to try.
SO LOST SINCE HUSBAND’S DEATH
DEAR DEIDRE: NOT knowing why my husband died in hospital last year has made it even harder to get over my loss.
I’m 66 years old and miss him so much. We were married for 40 years and the house feels so empty without him.
He went into hospital after being diagnosed with cancer. He was 66. I thought he would sail through his treatment and come home but he developed other conditions.
By the end, they were pumping him full of painkillers and antibiotics. Our two grown-up children miss him, too. We’ve all fallen apart since he died.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Grief is hard.
For more clarity about what happened, talk to your husband’s GP and contact the Patient Advice and Liaison Service. Find your nearest PALS via nhs.uk..
Charity sueryder.org also offers free online bereavement counselling, and my Coping With Bereavement support pack has information on where to find help.
