DEAR DEIDRE: SHARING a hot tub with my boyfriend’s cousin led to the steamiest sex I’ve ever had. Now I’m hooked and don’t know who to choose.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. I wasn’t attracted to him physically at first, but we worked together and he wore down my resistance with his personality. He’s funny and caring.
We live together and he keeps talking about getting engaged, but thoughts of his sexy cousin are holding me back. The three of us are all in our early thirties.
I only met this relative last Christmas.
I went round to my boyfriend’s house and was completely thrown to find the best-looking man I’ve ever seen standing in the kitchen, casually peeling potatoes.
I was instantly smitten. My boyfriend introduced him and I felt flustered. I ended up drinking far too much wine.
Later that evening, my partner and his family passed out in front of the telly.
I slipped out for some fresh air and saw steam rising off the hot tub. The cousin was there and persuaded me to join him.
I wasn’t going to cheat, but I couldn’t resist. We ended up having sex, and it was completely different to how it feels with my boyfriend. This was skin-clawing, hair-pulling passion.
Afterwards, we agreed it was a mistake. But the next day, everyone else had gone out and the cousin knocked on my door.
We discussed never telling anyone what had happened, then had sex against the wardrobe.
I haven’t seen him since, but I can’t forget the feeling of his body against mine. My boyfriend’s technique seems so limp in comparison. But he’s warm and kind, and I know he’d never treat me badly.
I was prepared to forget the cousin forever, but my boyfriend just told me we’ve been invited to his aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas Day and I’m already stirring. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Real life isn’t a Christmas rom-com. You’re risking a happy relationship and your boyfriend’s self-esteem for meaningless encounters with his cousin.
Let’s be clear, the passion you felt was most likely brought on by alcohol and the thrill of being “naughty” – intoxicating ingredients that would spice up any encounter.
If your boyfriend lacks passion, you have a choice to make. Either help him to satisfy you or leave him to find someone more exciting. Anything else is unfair to him.
My support pack, Can’t Be Faithful, explains why we’re all sometimes tempted to stray and how you can break the cycle.
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S been five years since I touched my wife intimately. I’ve never felt so lonely.
From the outside, we must look like we’re living the dream. We’ve been married for 26 years and have two grown-up children, a dog, nice cars and a house. We’re both in our 50s and are healthy and fit.
But in reality, we don’t even kiss.
If I pass my wife in the kitchen, she shrinks away like I’m infectious. We sleep on opposite edges of the bed. I can’t even hold her hand when we’re out.
We used to have sex once a week. We both enjoyed foreplay and we both climaxed.
But during Covid, she started claiming she felt “too tired” or “stressed” to make love. I thought it would pass, but it’s stayed that way ever since.
I waited for her to make a move but nothing happened.
Last week, I tried again. I stroked her back in bed, hoping it’d lead to more, and she didn’t even move. There was no reaction at all so I just pulled my hand away.
Where do we go from here? I feel I’ve wasted five years of my life, if not more.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry you feel lonely and I do understand. You’re not just missing sex, but all the affection and closeness it brings. When your wife rejects your advances, it must be hard not to feel she’s rejecting you, too.
There are many reasons why she might have lost interest. If this started five years ago, I wonder if she had just entered perimenopause. Hormonal changes can make women less interested in sex, and make sex less comfortable.
Read my support pack Love And The Mature Woman which explains more, and how she can get help. Another support pack, If She Doesn’t Want Sex, has lots of advice on communicating about intimacy.
It’s important that you talk to your wife, explaining how you want to feel close to her again.
When she realises you’re trying to understand and to help, without pressuring her, you can hopefully reconnect.
HUSBAND LIKES PORN, SHOULD I BE OFFENDED?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband enjoys watching porn. Should I be offended? I know he loves and fancies me.
Throughout our 18-year marriage, he’s always been affectionate and caring. Our sex life is very good.
But a few months ago, I overheard him talking to a friend about a porn site.
I questioned my husband later and he admitted he watches X-rated stuff a few times a week. He says it’s not a reflection of his feelings towards me.
I haven’t asked him again, but I suspect he’s still doing it when I’m not around. Should I be taking it personally?
DEIDRE SAYS: Many, if not most, men watch porn.
As long as you don’t feel his viewing affects you as a couple, and are happy with the way he uses this adult content, it can be part of a healthy relationship.
That said, if it makes you uncomfortable, or you feel his usage has a negative impact, discuss where your boundaries lie.
Keep talking to find a compromise. My support pack, called Upset By Pornography?, may help.
HUBBY ENVIES MY RETIREMENT
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 30 years of working full-time, and some serious health scares, I finally retired last year.
I’m 61 and wake up at 10am most mornings, see my friends and grandchildren, and fill my time with hobbies and reading.
But while I’m loving life, my husband, who’s 66, still works long hours and is growing snappy. We’ve been married for 39 years.
I thought he’d be happy that I’m happy. Instead, he moans if I do something easy for dinner, and goes berserk if I ask him to help at home, saying I’m the one with free time.
DEIDRE SAYS: Even if your husband envies your freedom, it’s worrying that he’s so moody. It is not unreasonable to enjoy your retirement.
In men, depression often shows up as anger. Could he be stressed about work or worried about money now you’re on a pension? You must tell him how his anger affects you.
If his behaviour continues, contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0808 2000 247).
HER FAMILY AIM TO PICK HER CAREER
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to stop my girlfriend’s family from trying to control her career choice, but don’t know how.
We’ve been together five years since meeting at school. We’re both 22 and at university together, studying law.
Her parents are very strict and old-fashioned. They, and her uncle, are all solicitors, and her parents have always wanted – even expected – her to follow suit. But she has struggled during the degree, finding law dull and stressful.
What she really wants to do is to become a screenwriter. She’s a talented writer and has a passion for film and TV. When she talks about comedy, she lights up. When she talks about law, she deflates.
But to become a respected screenwriter she needs to do an additional course, and her family refuse to pay.
Even worse than that, her mum has gone so far as to create a CV for my girlfriend, and has been sending it out to law firms. My girlfriend has tried to explain that she wants to switch, but her parents won’t listen. They keep telling her that it’s a mistake.
My girlfriend is so stressed and demoralised by this that she is starting to doubt her own decision.
I hate seeing her this upset. Every instinct in me wants me to stand up for her against her family, but I’m only her boyfriend.
I’m afraid they either won’t listen to me, will try to turn her against me, or even alienate me altogether.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re absolutely right – your girlfriend’s family is being controlling. Everyone has a right to choose their own career, and if your girlfriend wants to become a writer, then she should feel free to pursue that.
If money is an issue, suggest that she talks to the university about the funding options available.
It might also help her to contact themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994, a charity which supports UK adults under the age of 25 through its helpline, email and web chat support, and offers up to eight free counselling sessions.
You’re also right to worry about confronting her family. It could easily lead to long-lasting problems.
Also, it would put her under someone else’s control. Even though your intentions are loving, this is not your fight.
Instead, be there for your girlfriend as she deals with her family herself. Being a kind and supportive partner will help her to get the best outcome for herself and her future.
