DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner has a secret stash of Viagra pills that keep disappearing, even though we hardly ever have sex. Is he cheating?
We moved in together six months ago after dating for two years.
He’s 40 and I’m 36. We met on a blind date. At first, the attraction between us was undeniable. If I even shot him a flirty smile across the room, he’d be ready for action. We’ve been thrown out of bars for getting steamy with each other, and we’ve even had sex on a bus.
When he moved in with me, I expected our sex life would get even spicier. I’d imagined us making love on every inch of carpet, every kitchen counter . . . In reality, he’s made more excuses than moves.
Soon we were down to once a week.
A couple of months ago, I was looking through his gym bag for his spare phone charger because I’d broken mine.
I found a Jiffy bag stuffed inside a pair of socks, containing ten blue pills. ChatGPT confirmed they looked like Viagra.
Figuring he didn’t want me to know about his stash, I put them back and said nothing.
But they kept nagging me, so I checked again a couple of weeks later and there were only six pills inside.
I looked again last week, and there were only three.
Why are the pills vanishing? I don’t think he’s using them with me.
I don’t know what to do.
My best friend is convinced he’s cheating, and wants us to follow him when he says he’s going to the gym. I think that’ll just cause a huge row.
How do I get to the bottom of this mystery?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t let this go on. It’ll keep bugging you until you end up blurting it out in anger, and that will definitely cause an argument.
There’s a chance he could be cheating, but it’s not certain.
Some men use Viagra for their own self pleasure. It can help them satisfy themselves for longer, and is used as a way of prolonging the fun.
But it’s not safe to use unless men have erectile dysfunction, as it can lead to arousal problems.
He might have erection problems now you’re living together.
Relationship issues can sometimes lead to a lack of arousal too.
And the fact this has only happened since he moved in suggests he has some niggles that he’s not discussing with you?
The best thing you could do is to tell him that you’ve discovered the pills, and ask him why he has them.
I’m also sending you my Erection Problems support pack. Let me know how you get on.
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OUR FAMILY PROBLEMS KILLED SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: DEATH by a thousand cuts – that’s what my marriage feels like. I don’t know whether to stem the bleeding or pronounce it dead.
I’m 60 and my wife is 57. We’ve been married nearly 30 years. We are both in good shape for our age.
Until a couple of years ago we were having sex at least four or five nights a week, with my wife enjoying multiple orgasms most times.
The atmosphere was good at home. We had fun.
Since then, we’ve had some family problems. Two of our four children have split from their partners, and my wife has had to help out more with the grandchildren. But it’s like her whole personality has shifted.
These days, if I want even a chance of sex, I have to be nothing but loving and kind. I can’t speak my mind any more – if I say the wrong thing, she’ll sleep in the spare room.
I’m tiptoeing on eggshells in case she snaps. I know sex can change as you get older, but ours has dropped off a cliff. We’ve only had sex three times this year. And last year, only eight.
I’ve suggested we spend more time on foreplay or try showering together, but my wife isn’t keen.
What should I do? Is there hope for us or should I look for an escape hatch?
DEIDRE SAYS: Most couples try to be loving and kind all day. It’s not about earning the right to have sex, it’s about being a decent partner.
Your wife sounds worried and tired and naturally her libido will have dropped. But have a think about yourself. Have you supported her with the grandchildren or stepped up to help more at home while she’s busy? If you’re simply moping around feeling neglected, she’s not going to be eager to have sex, let alone enjoy any spicy showers.
Everyone has a right to a loving relationship and a fulfilling sex life. But it sounds like splitting up would be a shame and a premature move.
You’ll have much happier results if you focus on rebuilding your relationship – ideally, as a team.
I’m sending you my support pack Looking After Your Relationship. Read it alone, then with your wife.
Stress that you wrote to me because she seemed unhappy, not because you wanted more sex. Ask her what she needs from you to become the happy, affectionate wife she was a few years ago.
If you can focus on rebuilding the closeness in your relationship, I’d put good money on your sex life making a healthy return.
Lost my confidence after making bad decisions
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE made so many mistakes that I’ve lost confidence in my own decisions. Now I even struggle to choose what to have for tea.
I’m 34 and my husband is 35. I lost my job during Covid, then found out I was pregnant. We’d never have managed to raise a child on my husband’s salary, so I had an abortion.
A few months later, I decided we’d emigrate to Australia for a fresh start. But in reality, I’m miserable.
We’ve struggled to make friends, we’re still short of money, I don’t like our flat and I wish we had never moved. Why do I keep making bad choices?
DEIDRE SAYS: Regrets are common after huge life changes, and many women regret terminating a pregnancy because they are left with unresolved emotions. I am sending you my support pack Termination You Regret? to help you to begin processing that loss.
Inability to make decisions can be a symptom of depression. I recommend seeing a doctor as soon as possible. With everything you’ve experienced, you might need more support.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM so stressed because my nightmare siblings seem determined to ruin my life. Even though I’m on the strongest antidepressants you can get, they’re still not enough.
I’m 28 and studying full-time to become a doctor. My younger brother lives with me in my small rented flat.
He doesn’t work and never has. He sleeps till 5pm, then stays up all night playing games on his computer. I pay all the bills.
My older sister lives nearby in a lovely big house she owns with her partner. They have a spare room. My sister visits me and my brother regularly, but only to criticise.
She snoops through my room and opens my post every time she’s here. She wants access to my bank statements to “give advice on budgeting”. She never helps with anything.
My rent has skyrocketed since the cost-of-living crisis and I struggle to make ends meet on my student loan.
Some friends of mine found a lovely house to rent as a group and invited me to join them. It would only have cost me a third of what
I’m paying now so I leapt at the chance.
But my brother refused to move out.
I asked my sister if he could live with her but she refused. I called 101 for advice. They said I couldn’t evict my brother because he is classed as “vulnerable”.
Now I’m living in my bedroom, eating rice and beans, listening to my brother waste his life and mine.
DEIDRE SAYS: How did you become your brother’s carer? You don’t say where your parents are, but this situation doesn’t seem fair.
A university student can’t be expected to shoulder the responsibility for a grown-up sibling.
Speak to your GP to find out if any social care can be put in place for your brother.
The current situation is unsustainable – it’s affecting your mental health, so also ask your GP for support with that.
I’d also recommend you contact Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666, text 07537 404 282). They offer self-help resources, local services and a free helpline to support people through family issues.
Partner doesn’t know how to fight fair
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I argue with my partner, she throws personal things back in my face as ammunition. Last week, I confided in her that I was worried my new boss didn’t like me.
She was supportive and helpful. But when we argued a few days later because I hadn’t made the bed, she yelled: “Laziness like this is probably why your boss hates you.”
She knows I’m worried about losing my hair. Most of the time she’s kind about it. But if we row, she immediately calls me “baldy”. I’m tempted never to confide in her again.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner needs to learn how to fight fair.
Low blows like these will erode your trust and drive a wedge between you. You’ll either stop confiding in her at all, or you’ll avoid confrontation and push any problems under a rug.
Neither of those is helpful.
I’m sending you two support packs that can help: Managing Anger (for her) and Standing Up For Yourself (for you). They both contain helpful tips on managing conflict in a safe and healthy way.
