In my early thirties, I met a sexy, charismatic guy in Miami.
He happened to live in Los Angeles, as did I, and I thought it must have been fate. He was an aspiring filmmaker, and I had a blossoming career in finance. I was enamored with him, and we began dating when we returned to LA.
In the beginning, I saw him through love goggles. Everything was rainbows and butterflies.
His lack of a job or money, and the fact that he was still living with his parents at 26, didn’t bother me. I had my own money, and I certainly wasn’t a gold digger. I so desperately wanted a mate that I was happy to pay for everything, including meals, vacations, and concerts.
I even let him move in with me and never asked him to financially contribute to our living expenses. He, of course, didn’t offer, either.
On top of paying for our leisure activities and recreation, I was buying all the groceries and paying all the bills. I wanted to be the cool, ride-or-die chick who would do anything for her man.
During this time, he was ‘trying’ to get a job. I say ‘trying’ because he was only willing to work in his field, and those jobs were scarce. Instead of getting a job, even a part-time job as a barista, in retail, or anything that would allow him to contribute financially for the time being, he sat on the couch all day.
The love goggles came off the day I arrived home after working a ten-hour day with four bags of groceries falling out of my arms to find him lounging on the couch eating Cheetos. At that moment, I realized who he truly was: a man who brought nothing to the table but his fork and knife. A total scrub.
Pattie Ehsaei learned the hard way that a relationship with a ‘broke dude’ is doomed
This man had no ambition, no self-respect, and, most importantly, no respect for me.
After that, it went downhill. I lost respect for him, and he could feel it. He began to resent me, and he was insecure about my success and his lack thereof. We constantly argued until the relationship ended, leaving me brokenhearted and more than $30,000 in credit card debt.
Being completely reliant on another person to pay all your bills past the age of 22 says a lot about someone’s character. That sounds harsh, but let’s break it down.
Unless we were born into generational wealth, pretty much all of us know what it’s like to struggle to find work, to be in debt, to live paycheck to paycheck, and to work two jobs and still barely make rent. That’s not the type of broke I’m talking about when I say ‘broke dude’.
There’s struggling but always searching for a way to change your situation… and then there’s being comfortable letting someone else foot the bill while you eat junk food and make excuses.
The second one screams that a person lacks ambition and self-respect. It also signals that they are selfish and place their wants and needs over anyone else’s. That is a broke dude.
My broke-dude ex went on to do the same thing to many other women while he tried to ‘make it in the industry’. Needless to say, none of those relationships survived.
Now you may be thinking that five-figure credit card debt is a little extreme and, yes, it is. But there are many ways broke dudes infiltrate your life and suck you dry, financially and emotionally – and we often don’t see them coming.
Women also need to tame their financial expectations, stresses Pattie
The thing about broke-dude behavior is that it comes in all shapes and sizes, and I’ve encountered most of them:
- The dude who had plenty of his own money but insisted on going fifty-fifty even though he ordered an appetizer, surf and turf, two glasses of wine, and dessert to my one fish and water.
- The dude who refused to talk about money or disclose his finances.
- The countless other dudes who asked me out, made every decision, but didn’t pay.
You’d be amazed by the multitude of creative ways dudes are acting out their broke-assed-ness these days.
TikTok fads fizzle as quickly as they emerge, but one in particular that came on my radar recently was called the ‘Soft Guy Era,’ where young men brag about women paying for all their dates and providing for them to a ridiculous degree.
Perhaps these guys have adopted some sort of perverted version of misogyny masquerading as feminism. But neither men nor women are right to take this attitude. Nobody is ‘owed’ financial support. Women also need to tame their expectations on what a man should do for them. Just as we don’t want them to use us for our money, we shouldn’t use them for theirs.
Today, one of the biggest reasons relationships fail is because of finances. In fact, recent research finds that one in four marriages fail as a result of money issues, with 54 percent of respondents to a National Debt Relief survey reporting that having a spouse who is in debt is a leading reason to consider divorce.
And three out of five Americans forgo marriage to avoid taking on their romantic partner’s debt.
According to one law firm, ‘typically, around 41 percent of divorced Gen Xers along with 29 percent of divorced Boomers state that the reason their marriages ended was due to financial disagreements’.
She says they are selfish and place their wants and needs over anyone else’s
So, if you truly believe that marriage is for life, do some serious future proofing. Before you commit to spending the rest of your life with someone, you better make sure your financial goals align.
Take the time to discuss finances openly with your partner to gain insight into your financial compatibility as a couple before it is too late.
Sit down and ask yourselves the following seven key relationship questions.
What are your long-term financial goals?
For example, does your partner happen to share your goal of purchasing a home? Or do they aspire to live in an apartment with two kids and three dogs and spend money on traveling?
These are fundamental personality differences that are intertwined with financial, value-based differences, and they can break a relationship.
What is your debt-to-income ratio?
I’m serious. This is the time to get into the gritty details of your and your potential spouse’s finances. Your debt-to-income (DTI) ratio is your total monthly debt payments divided by your gross monthly income. Your debt should be no greater than 43 percent of your income.
What is your credit score?
A low credit score, below 680, can not only prevent you from getting a home or a car loan but also affect your ability to rent an apartment, get a job, or qualify for a low-interest rate on future purchases.
To be clear, when you’re married, each person maintains their own individual credit score, but joint accounts or shared financial responsibilities can affect both spouses’ credit ratings.
How do your approaches to budgeting compare?
Budget comparison lets you determine whether your financial goals, spending habits, and saving priorities align.
If one person has the YOLO (you only live once) mentality and spends money as quickly as it’s earned and the other has a budget-conscious attitude, this relationship might be doomed.
How will we manage our finances together?
You want to learn whether you will have a joint account, a separate account, or both. If one person assumes you will combine your money and the other wants separate finances, you will have issues.
You also want to learn who pays for what and how much. If one spouse makes significantly more than the other, are bills split proportionally to income? Or do you expect that costs will be shared fifty-fifty, no matter what?
Each person’s financial contribution to the household should be determined before marriage, or even cohabitation, to avoid any surprises that could threaten your financial stability.
If one person has the YOLO (you only live once) mentality and spends money as quickly as it’s earned and the other has a budget-conscious attitude, this relationship might be doomed
What is your philosophy on financially assisting children?
Ask yourselves: Do we give them an allowance? Do we require them to work? Do we pay for their college? This information is vital because it ensures you are on the same page and can make informed decisions regarding financial support for your children.
Will we have to support anyone else?
The last thing you want is to be surprised ten years into the marriage when your spouse is willing to lend or offer money, and you are vehemently against it. You should consider financial capacity, cultural expectations, and the circumstances in which both individuals would be comfortable extending financial support
Having open and honest conversations about finances with your partner is crucial before making a long-term commitment.
Identifying financial red flags can help you make informed decisions about your future together and prevent major relationship-ending problems. And financial stability can give you that emotional confidence you need to engage in a healthy adult relationship where you are equal partners.
After all, there is no romance without finance.
Excerpted from Never Date a Broke Dude by Pattie Ehsaei. Copyright © 2025 by Pattie Ehsaei. Used by arrangement with Balance, an imprint of Grand Central Publishing Group. All rights reserved.
