DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my manager kissed me and got very “hands on”, instead of feeling repulsed, I couldn’t get enough of him.
He’s not my type at all. He’s 42, overweight and has a goofy personality. I’m a woman of 30.
Normally I go for good-looking, gym types but in fairness, they love their own ego and they let me down.
I got my job as an executive assistant a year ago and liked my boss when I first met him at the interview.
He’s in sales and very charismatic but his looks aren’t great.
We had been working closely for a few months and I would often catch him staring.
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The flirting began when my boyfriend and I drifted apart.
One evening, my boss asked me to stay late to help him with some forecasts. After he made that pass at me, the work stopped and he invited me back to his flat.
We had amazing sex. He was kind, considerate and seemed really in to me. After many more evenings of passion, I thought we were going to become an item but when I asked him about our future during dinner one night, he said: “We’re just friends with benefits, right?”
I said, “I thought we were more”, and he replied, “Jeez no. We work together”. We’ve not had sex since and to be honest, I’ve been avoiding him. We still work together but I’m trying to keep it professional.
I did a bit of online stalking and it looks as if he has gone back to his ex, but he still runs after me like a lovesick puppy whenever I go into the staff kitchen.
Although I love him, I know he’s not in this for the long haul. I feel so hurt.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry this has happened to you. He’s obviously the sort of man who picks women up then drops them whenever he feels like it. He’s manipulative and bad news.
Value yourself more than hanging on to a dead-end, no-strings relationship. You are beginning to realise you’re worth far more so now it’s time to really own it.
Hold your head high, avoid being alone with him and look for another job.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you to set clearer boundaries when you meet somebody new. Take your time with the physical side until you can understand what you are both looking for.
If work becomes untenable, get advice from Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
HIS ADDICTION TO CANNABIS IS WRECKING RELATIONSHIP
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend says he needs to smoke weed every day in order to stay with me. I can’t believe he would say that.
We got together two years ago. I have a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who adores him. He took her on as his own.
He’s always had an issue with drugs but people use cannabis now and then, right?
He’s definitely doing drugs regularly though and it’s costing us, big-time.
I’m 32 and work as a pre-school teacher. He is 38 and has a zero-hours contract in security. We don’t earn much.
When I asked him whether he’d give up, he promised he would. But yesterday, I saw another £200 had gone out of our bank account.
He couldn’t tell me what he had spent it on but when I mentioned weed, we had an almighty row and his comment really hurt me. Will he ever give it up?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t make him stop using – only he can do that.
His cruel comments were said to deflect the attention away from his behaviour. But if you’re living together and he’s using cannabis around your child, this is a huge red flag.
Give him a time limit to sort himself out. If things don’t change, you may have to accept that he’s not good for your daughter, or for you.
Contact drugs advice service Frank (talktofrank.com, 0300 123 6600), which can explain the long-term effects of drug use.
WORRIED HER BABY MAY NOT BE MINE
DEAR DEIDRE: EXPLICIT messages that I found on my girlfriend’s Instagram account have left me wondering if the baby she’s expecting is mine.
We’re both 25 and she got pregnant very quickly.
I was happy and I want to be with her.
But about a month ago, she used my laptop to show me a funny Instagram reel.
Her sister phoned, so she walked away and I know it was wrong but I looked at her private messages and found some from another guy.
There were a lot of recent exchanges, which were flirty and sometimes sexual. Now I’m questioning everything.
I’ve kept it to myself but I’m even wondering whether she could have got pregnant so quickly by me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t jump to conclusions. A few flirty messages with another guy do not automatically mean you’re not the baby’s father.
You have never mistrusted her until now.
Find a moment to tell her calmly what you saw on her account. She left her Instagram open, after all.
Ask her about this guy. If there is anything to hide, you might be able to tell from her body language.
Approach this with sensitivity. She may never forgive you if you unjustifiably suggest that you doubt you are the father.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you get your point across calmly.
MY DAD’S ABOUT TO GET DUMPED
DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK my stepmother is planning to leave my father – and he has no idea what’s coming.
I found out through her X account. I didn’t know she was on any social media but we have an unusual surname and she came up as a link.
My stepmum is 58 and she married my father ten years ago after my mother died. We’ve never got along well and I think she’s a bit of a gold-digger.
Dad is 75 and he took early retirement after selling his clothing business. I’m a guy of 38, and work as a primary school teacher.
My stepmum always said she knew nothing of technology but I saw her photo on X, with a man of about 50, and they seemed pretty loved up. As soon as she saw I was following her, my stepmum blocked me, so she must be up to something.
My dad and I have never been the best of friends but I feel bad for him. Even if my stepmum isn’t going to leave, she is definitely having an affair. Should I speak up?
DEIDRE SAYS: Telling your dad what you know isn’t going to help your relationship. He may feel ashamed that his son had to point out something that he should have realised.
If he suspects his wife is having an affair, he may be trying to ignore it, hoping it will end, but by telling him what you suspect, you’ll take away his coping strategy.
Instead, find a quiet moment to talk to your stepmother and ask her about her account and who the guy in the picture is.
If she isn’t going to talk to your father about this man, then tell her you will as a last resort.
You can talk in confidence about the affair, and then your relationship with your dad, with a counsellor at Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666), which provides a listening ear about family issues, free of charge.
